Random Quotes

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Duct tape is like the force, it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together

"You know...these little guys are kinda cute when they aren't formed into a fiery column of death." - Milo; Atlantis: The Lost Empire

"I know! I'll turn him into a flea! A harmless little flea! And then I'll put that flea in a box, and put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail it to myself! And when it arrives - *maniacle laughter* - I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! *pause* Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!" - Yzma; The Emperor's New Groove

"Miguel, you know that little voice that people have that tell them to quit while they're ahead? YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!" - Tulio; The Road to El Dorado 

"God is love. Love is blind. I am blind. Therefore, I am god." -M. Lackey

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Aunt Lucy always used to win first prize at the county fair for her apple pie. It wasn't a real county fair - that's just what they called it at the mental home where she lived. And it wasn't a real apple pie either. Usually it was a ball of dough with tongue depressors and pieces of gum sticking out of it. Still, she won.

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

When I was a kid, I used to think you could jump off the roof of our house using an umbrella as a parachute. I thought my little brother could, anyway.