Fairytale of New York (7/24/2000)
by Tom Farren,
Copyright 2000
I am going to tell you a story. It has no real moral, or central theme. There will be no character development. You may forget it the moment you finish reading it. But not I. No, I will remember this story for the rest of my life (if only because it is typed up). So why should you read it?
I don't really know.
Many moons ago, in a city we call DC, there was a house. And in August in the year of our Lord 1997, 5 boys moved into that house and adopted another as their own (so that's about six). These boys lived and laughed, dated (girls, not each other, though there was that one... anyway) and partied, and, since it was college, let's say they studied too.
These boys graduated and went their ways - to Oregon, New York, DC, Chicago. And the house at Volta was no more. However, the spirit lived on, in e-mails mocking each other's sexual ability and orientation, intelligence, and embarrassments. Even the way they combed their hair. They were that close.
One day an idea arose. Why don't the fellas get together? With someone in so many different cities, it would provide a chance to get together and travel a bit as well. The idea was good. It was decided to go to New York City first; the big oversized red fruit of a city would be the host. Plans were in the works for weeks - where would they stay? - when would it be? - where would they meet? Trouble appeared when the one in NYC, we'll call Slim Willy, made ominous responses that he may not be there. Then another situation when J Crew boy thought he was scheduled to be in California. Undaunted, the others just wanted the key to Slim Willy's apartment. Sure, they wanted him there, but if not, just a place to crash was nice.
The gods were smiling on the Volta boys, though, and all was well. All pulled in to NYC on a Friday night, not very unlike last Friday night. Slim Willy proved himself a wonderful host when he offered a beer to the weary travelers before they dropped their bags. The pre-gaming began. They chatted and prodded each other with witty barbs, laughing, fighting back tears of joy. Then they went out and painted the town red. Others joined in on the celebration, previous housemates of the boys. Girls who wanted just to be near greatness, went elsewhere. But girls looking to have a party time followed them. They ripped it up going from bar to bar, getting hit on by random women in taxis, and passing out with their heads down at the bar. They chatted with various people and made friends wherever they went. As they walked to their beds to pass out at the end of the night, they played with immunity with heavy construction equipment left out in sight. Then all was black.
Saturday morning was pleasant and late, and without a single hangover. Time for breakfast. Everyone drank their water, had eggs, toast, pancakes, even grits. They passed hand-made soap to another friend who joined them for breakfast. We'll call her J-amy. They walked around played, soccer in the streets, they played with traffic. They fought the law, and the law won. It was off to Connecticut for the night. The MTA with some beers in a bag, and seats right next to the bathroom, provided all the entertainment they would need for the ride. Nothing is as nice as making friends with people as they come in and out of a train bathroom. If only we could bottle that odor, they'd be rich, rich, rich beyond their wildest dreams! Alas, another will have to find the way. A gracious host put up with their pool hopping and drunken softball. They flirted with girls for hours, to no avail. They scared everyone off trying to push them into the pool. All in all, it was a good time broken up with weird guys in big blue cowboy hats, scary valley girls, and small scenes of drunken drama (funny only to the participants). No going back to NYC for these boys. Only J Crew heeded the call of the wild and took the iditirod back, because it was Miller time.
Summertime, and the living is easy.
Sunday gave another early wake-up call, and the boys drank their gatorade and water, ate their bagels. Some even helped the host with clean-up. Hangover basketball was fun for 1/2 hour, then time for the train back to NYC. No beer today, just easily amused by a moth in the train. As they sat in the apartment, they lethargically showered and readied for lunch. It took 3 hours. Golf was the second most exciting thing on TV that day. Number 1? Dr. Ho's electric massage pads. They gently massage any where you place them in a spasmic jerking motion. But it's a gentle spasm.
They lunched at the finest restaurant in all of NYC - McDonald's. Mmmm... Big Mac and fries, supersized. Watching them from afar was like watching a scene from a TV show. Secrets were revealed as the statute of limitations passed (2 years out of college), and there was uproarious laughter. Many more things were shared between them than even they realized. Oh, and the big one, L, ate three large burgers.
Soccer in Central Park, til they were booted off by the park warden or whoever the little guy was on the power trip. The Big Lawn (or whatever) has "special" grass. No soccer, frisbee or rugby playing. But the other sports run differently, so those foot falls do not affect the grass the same. Very well thought out policy. Off to some side field they went and played. Kutz kept falling on the ball, yet scored. L and the one in the yellow cap had good pass combos, but could not connect. Though L did block some kicks just by laying on the ground. A leisurely stroll through the park back to the cab to go home. Hugs on the corner, and pats on the behind (guys do that after sports, no one knows why, but you do not question what you like, no?). To the Batmobile, cabbie!! Homeward bound.
What these boys learned was: Boston is next; drinking 12 beers and then having one mixed drink will make you pass out; soccer in dress shoes hurts; throwing a ball into the woods after someone else retrieved it is funny, but then you lose the ball; peeing on the steps is okay, as long as you know the hostess; tofu hot dogs are not fit for canine, let alone human, consumption; beer is good; good friends may be hard to find, but are easy to keep.
The big question, what lessons will they learn in Boston? Stay tuned...