Darkness. Pain. My eyes fluttered open to view the familiar sight of the laundry room ceiling. I had memorized every bump and crack in its plaster surface and its appearance made me feel better. The second thing was pain. I hurt, really bad. It was all over my body. I struggled to rise, finally propping myself up against the wall, As I did so my arms and chest stared to hurt even worse. As I looked down on myself I noticed that I couldn’t see from my left eye. I reached up a paw and gently explored the swollen, puffy flesh around my eye. It was tender and sparked with pain at my touch. I began to whimper, just like the pathetic mutt I am, when I looked down at my chest. My chest and bellyfur was matted with blood, mine most likely. As I breathed I could feel the numerous cuts open and give birth to new pain. It was too much, I fell back on the floor and whined low in my throat…at first I couldn’t remember why, but then it all came back to me.

It was Christmas, or the day after, I didn’t know how long I had been asleep. I had failed my master, had gotten him a pathetic excuse of a joke for a gift, like a bad mutt. Everything the master had said filled my ears again. He was right, he always is, I was an ungrateful fuck. My master gave me everything, a place to sleep, food every day, protection from the puppyeaters outside the House and love. What did I get him in return? A stupid fucking coffee cup. I’m so stupid. I began to cry as I realized how stupid I had been. I don’t wanna be stupid, I was be a smart puppy so I can be good. But I can’t help it, I’m stupid. All master wanted was a pretty watch, just a watch. All I needed to do was go to a store, whatever that is, and get him one. Simple as that. But me, the lazy fuck I am, I just rummaged in the attic till I found some dirty piece of shit. Worthless, just like me. I was really crying now, and every sob made fire across my torso. I’m such a bad puppy. I can’t remember a single day that I haven’t been bad. Why am I so stupid? I try to be good, I really try. Its never enough though. Never enough.

My thoughts were interrupted by the soft sound of the door slowly swinging open. Even though I knew who it was, I still managed to open my eye and look at my master as he stepped though the door. He was so pretty. He’s so big and strong, I’m lucky to have such a great master. He loves me lots, that’s why I get punished, so I can become a good puppy. He kneeled next to me and laid one of his huge paws down over my face. I opened up my muzzle and licked out at his finger, trying to show how much I loved him. His fur had a nice taste, something I can’t really describe, but I loved it, just I loved him. He leaned down close, so close I could feel his sweet breath on my ripped ear. His voice slid out like water, all flowy and smooth. “You took your punishment well pup,” he said, “now lets get you clean.” His paws slid under my body and lifted me easily, so strong he was. He carried me over to the small counter and big utility sink. He laid me down on the counter and slipped my shorts off before turning on the water in the sink. With a smile he slid me down into the water. It was hot, really hurt. So hot it hurt. But I didn’t say anything, I yelped at the start, but hat was it. I was gonna make sure to take this well too. Anything to please master. His big paws moved down over me, roughly scrubbing my fur. His claws sliding over my cuts made them hurt more. I hated the wire whip. It always hurts real bad. When I was all clean master turned the water off and dragged me bad on the counter. He grabbed the old blue towel that was used only for me, not because I was special, but so that my nasty muttly puppyfur wouldn’t get all over his nice thing. He dried me, and it hurt too, the towel was harsh on me. He slid my shorts back on and cradled me in his arms and began to carry me into the house. When he picked me up my head fell onto his chest, my dark gray fur against his white. His chest was hard and soft at the same time, warm and soft as I listened to his heart thumping in his chest. It sounded big and power just like my master was.

He carried me into the study and sat down in his chair, setting me into his lap. One of his paws trailed past my eyes and began to scritch between my ears. Even though I hurt all over this little touch made all the pain seem far away. His other paw cupped my muzzle and pressed it inot his fur, smothering me with his scent. The strong musk of my master flooded my nostrils, making my already light head swim. He softly cooed in my ear, praising me for being such a good boy. I felt so safe, so loved. I was enveloped in his warmth and love. I found myself murring with delight as he stroked and caressed me. Before I knew it I had fallen asleep, and begun to dream of the past.

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It was a while back, before I was big enough to see the top of the counters. I don’t know why, but I had been feeling terrible. It wasn’t that I had been given a harsh punishment, I just feel bad. My head hurt for no reason, my entire body was sore. I just wanted to lay down and sleep, I felt so tired. It was hard to do my chores because everything I saw kept getting fuzzy. All the colors and shapes blurred together and got darker. I kept falling down and I didn’t know why. I though that maybe I was being punished, but my master always told me when he disciplined me.

In the evening I was bringing master his dinner on his mirrored tray, such nice trays, very shiny, when it happened. Everything went blurry, then completely black. When I woke up my master was nose to nose with me and I was hanging in the air by my collar. At first I was relieved, after all, my master always fixed everything. But then I saw him snarling, and the fragments of tray and food on the ground. It fully hit me what I’d done and I began to cry. My master pulled me close and snarled, ”You little fucking mutt, I’ll give you something to cry about!” As he said this he slowly spun around and slammed me into the wall behind him. Pain shot down the back of my head as I bounced off the wood. I barely opened my eyes before master’s fist came flying at my muzzle. When it hit it felt like the paperweight on master’s desk, hard and heavy. My nose seemed to explode it felt like as he hit me. Then he hit me again. And again. And again.

I blame myself, I shouldn’t have dropped his tray and broken it. It was a very nice tray. After a bit he let me fall and gave me a halfhearted kick. In silence he swept all the fragments of glass into the laundry room and returned for me. He seized me by the ear and yanked hard, pulling me down the hallway. Into the laundry room I was dragged and hoisted up by my ear. It hurt so much…then something gave way and I fell to the concrete. Master growled and stormed out, leaving me with a strange pain on my head. With trembling paws I reached up and felt for my ear. As I touched it hurt all the more, but I continued to explore it. In a second I figured out what happened. My ear was ripped in half, from base to tip. I started crying more. That’s all I can do, cry, I’m so weak. I crawled over to the pieces of the tray and picked up the biggest shard of mirror and looked at myself in it. I knew I was ugly already, master had told me often, but what I saw was horrible. My nose was hugely swollen and split, blood crusting on it. My left eye was slowly swelling shut. My ear was a bloody mess. I was so ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Why can’t I be pretty like my master? I tried to think though a haze of pain and confusion of what to do about my ear. Finally I decided and crawled over by my blanket. From the shelf I picked up needle and thread and put the mirror in place.

I had to squint through my good eye to see what I was doing, and the fact that my paws were shaking didn’t help at all. Every time I slid the needle through my ear it re-awoke the pain, but I did it. I sewed my ear back together. It didn’t look nice, but it never did in the first place. I sat back and looked at all the blood on my paws. I went to sleep thinking about that blood.