Toddesha, D.A.
Part 1: Beware of Quotation Marks
Toddesha had always wanted
this. More accurately, she hadn’t. First, she wanted to be a stewardess (*not to
be confused with a “flight attendant”) in
This was the dream she was in the process of actualizing. The first step was medical school. Which Toddesha couldn’t get into without taking Organic Chemistry. So the dream was scaled down a bit, from psychiatry to psychology. She was better suited for this anyway, although the decision was quite disappointing for her grandmother.
Toddesha couldn’t wait to practice. So she didn’t. One day, she went out and rented an office, and painted “Toddesha, Ph.D.” on it. It looked too plain. She added “M.D.” and “D.D.S.” After giving it a long, hard look, she decided there was something wrong with a sign for her office that said “Toddesha, M.D., Ph.D., D.D.S.” A thought struck her. The sign now read “Toddesha, M.D., Ph.D., D.D.S., Esquire.” Perfect.
Sike (*not to be confused with “psych”). She was sued by some guy named Loren, who said that his last name was “M.D., Ph.D., D.D.S.” So she had to change the sign to “Toddesha, Esquire.” But then she was sued by a magazine that said its name was Toddesha, so the sign now said “Esquire.”
This was not according to plan. Toddesha said “Screw the magazine!” and put her name back on the door. But since she grew tired of the word “esquire” (as I am growing tired of quotation marks), she changed it to “Toddesha: Dream Analyst.”
By this, she meant analyst of dreams, not analyst of your dreams. Early on there was some confusion there. Anyway, she eventually got settled into her new job and was just waiting for clients.
Part 2: You don’t have to be a doctor to breech doctor-patient confidentiality!
Client 1: P-Pam
“I dreamed I lost the 2000 Presidential election,” she told me sobbing. “It was the worst nightmare I ever had!”
“But you did lose the election, P-Pam,” Toddesha said carefully. P-Pam looked carefully at her.
“But that would mean I’m not President!”
“That’s right, P-Pam. I think your dreams are trying to tell you something… about reality,” Toddesha said knowingly. She was full of shit.
“Wow! You’re right, Toddesha. How can I ever thank you?”
“$120 an hour will be fine.”
Client 2: JP Money
“Last night, I dreamed that I was in this hot tub with like 4 topless hotties, right?” he started.
“Yeah.”
“Ok, so that’s not so unusual for a playa like me, right, but check this. One of the honies was all over me.” He paused to chuckle to himself. “I guess that ain’t unusual, either, know what I’m saying? But for real, I was really wanted to get it on with her, you know, and out of nowhere came my moms! That’s messed up.”
“Well, you’re probably feeling some guilt about your lifestyle.”
“Me? Shoooooooooooo, what do I need to feel guilty about? I’m a playa, that’s what a man is supposed to be, yo.”
“Maybe you’re envious of a lifestyle you don’t have,” Toddesha said, suddenly remembering that JP Money was not actually a playa so much as a wannabe and a little bit of a loser.
JP Money thought for a second. “Do you want to go out with me?”
Toddesha sighed and rolled her eyes.
Client 3: Pearlman
“Yeah, so I dreamed about going to a Smiths concert. What’s up with that?” he asked.
“Have you been listening to the Smiths a lot lately?” Toddesha asked him.
“Yeah.”
“Ok, then.”
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, then,” he
said, stroking his goatee,
“Well, there that is then, isn’t it.”
“So how do you explain the burning babies and the giant eyeball?”
Toddesha blinked.
Pearlman smiled. “Just kidding. See ya.”
Client 4: Chris Cornell
“I dreamed I was a famous singer, and while I was onstage I could see you out in the audience, and I looked deeply into your eyes and I knew we’d be together forevermore,” Chris said, smiling.
“Ok, time to go. Restraining order, remember?” said Toddesha, as she picked up the phone to call security.
“One day you’ll be mine! I’ll never let you go!” he yelled as he backed slowly out of the room
Part 3: Warning: Reading this section may cause you to spontaneously listen to German dance music.
Client 5: David
David was the only client Toddesha had never met before. He came in, sat down, and turned his cell phone on vibrate as he tucked it in his pocket.
“So, how can I help you?”
“I, um…” he paused. “I had a weird dream and I thought you could help me. Since you’re, you know, a dream analyst.”
“I’d be happy to. Tell me about it,” said Toddesha.
“I dreamed I was fighting a 60-year-old duck.”
Toddesha flinched with surprise.
“He had a top hat and a cane,” he continued.
“That’s something else.”
“And an accent. He jumped out of my cell phone.”
Intriguing. Since he wasn’t a crazy like so many of her other clients, Toddesha decided to actually analyze his dreams. They talked about some of his other dreams: cell phones disappearing, cell phones turning into Weapons of Mass Destruction, Giant Alien Cell Phones of Death. And that weird guy with the cheese. He’s everywhere. Toddesha noticed a theme.
“Your life’s really busy, isn’t it?” she asked him. It wasn’t really a question at this point.
“It’s pretty complicated,” he said.
“Well, the cell phone in your dreams represents your busy life. I will prescribe a 10-day vacation on the continent of your choice, to be paid for by your HMO. Oh, and the guy with the cheese can be attributed to subliminal messages in dairy products. Gotta watch that.”
“Excellent. Wait, I thought you weren’t a doctor. Who will write my prescription?”
This was a difficulty. But Toddesha had a solution. She challenged David to a game of Sonic the
Hedgehog 2. If she could make it to the
end of the game and beat Dr. Robotnik, it meant that Doctor Robotnik wanted her to write the prescription. If she lost to him, he’d have to leave the
video game and write the prescription himself.
That could be tricky.
Fortunately, she won, she wrote the prescription, and David went to
Part 4: I was dropped from moonbeams and sailed on shooting stars- Sail to the Moon
Toddesha felt she was on a roll. Patient after patient came in and she was actually helping them.
“Wow, just think of the good I could do if I was actually qualified and professional!”
So at the urging of her former clients, Toddesha enrolled in graduate school for psychology, graduated in a record 6 ½ years, and went directly into practice, her first clients being for former clients from her days as a dream analyst. In her beautiful office overlooking a large and not-at-all dirty body of water and some attractive foliage, Toddesha sighed contently as she thought about her wonderful career. She leaned back in her chair and smiled to herself as she opened her purse to write her first check for her outrageous student loans.
