Your NOT So Good Horoscope


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Aries          Mar. 21-Apr. 19

You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence in your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
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Taurus          Apr. 20-May 20

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. *********************************************************************

Gemini          May 21-June 20

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for incest. *********************************************************************

Cancer          June 21-July 22

You are symapathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Most people in prison are Cancers. *********************************************************************

Leo          July 23-Aug. 22

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex. *********************************************************************

Virgo          Aug. 23-Sept. 22

You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. *********************************************************************

Libra          Sept. 23-Oct. 21

You are the artistic type and have difficulty dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monentary gain are nil. If you are male, you are probably a queer. Most Libra women are whores. Libras usually die of veneral disease. *********************************************************************

Scorpio          Oct. 22-Nov. 21

The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. *********************************************************************

Sagittarius          Nov. 22-Dec. 21

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit. *********************************************************************

Capricorn          Dec. 22-Jan. 19

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of importance. You should stay home, out of the way of everyone else. *********************************************************************

Aquarius          Jan. 20-Feb. 18

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. *********************************************************************

Pisces          Feb. 19-Mar. 20

You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and give scornful advice. You do nothing but piss off everone you come into contact with. You are a prick.