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February 8, 2005
EAP Entertainment: Ja Rule ft. Jadakiss & Fat Joe - "New York"
"Life's a bitch. Depending on how you treat her, you might get rich" - Jadakiss
Par for the course, we gotta start off with talk about work…
"Mutha fuck Dre, Mutha fuck Snoop, Mutha fuck Death Row - yo and here comes my left blow." - Eazy E
I swear to God, the only thing I hate worse than the jackasses who make decisions at my plant are the jackasses who work on first shift. Quick story. I walk into "my" office the other day and one of the first shift supervisors is in there. He's coughing every now and then. Now being considerate, I asked if he had a cold. Simple yes or no question. Oh no, not this asshole. His reply, in pure Bill Engval style, "No, I just like to cough a lot for fun in my spare time. Here's your sign." I swear, if I would have had my clipboard in my hand I would have sliced his fucking head off. And before you go, "Piddy, how can you slice someone's head off with a clipboard?," lemme just say this - that sumabitch is a $16.00 stainless steel clipboard that I've dropped so many times its rough around the edges. It'd could easily double as some sort of ninja Frisbee.
"Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected to take certain duties on board…" - Scar
Has anyone seen the Universal Studios commercial where this "fictional" company head is speaking to millions of Americans? He says things like "We like to thank you for sacrificing precious time with friends and family, and for turning weekends to workends. Because of people like you, 26% of Americans don't take any vacation at all." I kid you not, I think that guy is the head of OSI Incorporated.
"And The Man said, "It don't get better than this."…sell out with me tonight." - Reel Big Fish
I hate my job. This I know. This we all know. But one thing I hate more than my job, are the people who go, "well just be grateful that you have a job" when I say, "I hate my job." This is the largest amount of bullshit ever and I'm tired of hearing it. The unemployment rate in Columbia is 8%. Now I know there's jobs available because I look in the classifieds all the time. Hell, I have openings at my job in my department. Whoever doesn't have a job could work for me. I'm a fair and fun boss. I think what people should say is, "be grateful you have a job that at least makes use of your credentials." There are plenty of jobs out there that people feel they're over qualified for. But when you look at the big picture, having a job that you're "better than" that brings in a little bit of cash is better than having no job and being broke.
Now for something completely different…
"Ain't nobody dope as me, I'm just so fresh, so clean (so fresh and so clean, clean)" - Outkast
Old and Busted: Febreeze. New Hotness: Oust
Oust is great. Not only does it come in a nice citrus smell (unlike Febreeze which is easily indentifiable), it's perfect for pretending you washed your clothes. Spray some Oust on an article of clothing, toss it in the dryer with a dryer sheet, voila! Instant cleanliness.
"Put your socks on mama now, cause your…FEET REALLY SMELL." - Brak
Am I the only one who notices that Walmart has an entire section of the store dedicated to Socks & Hosiery? Is footwear that important to Walmart's bottom line to dedicate an entire area of the store to it? I mean it's got its own fucking marquee for Christ's sakes. I mean don't think I've ever seen anyone trampling over someone else to get their hands on some slipper socks. It's not like they're PlayStation 2s or anything.
"Live In Your World. Play In Ours." - Sony PlayStation 2
Speaking of PlayStation 2s, I recently picked one up. No, I haven't gone over completely to the darkside. I'm still a Nintendo man through and through. Hell, I wear a Duck Hunt shirt in public. Anyways, I grabbed one of the new PStwo models. (After searching everywhere in the Tri-County area since they were SOLD OUT in FEBRUARY, but that's another story) Lemme say one thing - these things are teeny tiny. The controller is easily larger than half the system. Let's paint a picture here. Take a DVD case. Add an inch and a half to the length and a quarter inch to the width. Then flatten it out by maybe an eighth of an inch. This thing is slim. Almost makes my Gamecube look like an Xbox. As a matter a fact, I think this thing could fit in the Xbox's disc tray.
"If you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, if you're not into Yoga…" - Rupert Holmes
I love singing in the car. I love singing in the car after people have caught me singing in the car even more. I usually make up a dance after I get caught in the act. I mean it's like walking downtown naked. Once you're out there, you might as well go looking in the store windows.
"These streets remind me of quicksand. When you're on it, you keep going down." - Akon
The other night after work I went out to the bars to meet a few friends - Denny and Jack - for a few drinks and to just catch up on what's been happening in our lives since we last met. Well as of late, I've gotten rather fond of having (and using) my debit card at will, so yeah I had maybe $5 of cash on hand. Well that's nothing a quick run to the ATM couldn't fix, but on my way to the bars to meet up with the fellas, a homeless man came up to me. He gave me the normal sob story. Some bullshit about his foot, talking about how his wife was mad at him, how he lived on the other side of Richland County, how he was wondering if I could spare a couple bucks for a hot dog blah, blah, blah. At 2am, I truthfully wasn't concerned with whatever he was saying. He was just another obstacle between me, buds, and suds. I passed him off as just another guy looking for a handout and kept on walking. I did tell him that if he waited right there, I'd hook him up if he let me run to the ATM real fast. Along the way to the ATM, I was thinking, "why should I give him any money? If I can stand to work in the seventh level of hell for my money, I'm sure he could find SOMETHING that'll give him enough cash to get a hot dog. Fuck him, he'll get over it." I took my $40 and had a nice night at the bar… (concluded in RAW XXI)
"Dear Mr. I'm too good to call or write my fans, this'll be the last package I ever sent your ass." - Eminem
Alter-Egos. If you have one of these, you understand the careful balance needed to maintain some aura of normalcy. I have one. He writes those God-awful RAW columns, but I treat him fairly. Why? Because I understand that I, like everyone else, has a side that just needs to breathe occasionally. The trick is, knowing when to put a leash on him. If you don't, people will start to think you're crazy or something. Or that's how you act all the time. And believe you me, the last thing I want is for anyone to think I'm pussy of a man who needs to sew up his vagina. But anyways, no group of people is better at maintaining an alter ego than rappers. They have it down to a science. And the thing is, they're so good at it - both of their characters are marketable. Sean Carter - business man, President of Def Jam Records; Jay-Z - "Greatest" rapper of all time (sorry Cecil, I still give that nod to Biggie). Andre Young - great producer, master MC; Dr. Dre - member of rap group N.W.A., awesome at finding talent anywhere. But the best of all at alter-egos would have to go to one of Dre's protégés, Marshall Mathers. Now we all know him as Eminem, but he's so good that Eminem has an alter-ego in Slim Shady. And all of his characters are different. Slim will rap about killing his wife, while Em writes a touching tale of a tale of a fan who went too far, all while Marshall will talk about his troubled childhood all on the same CD. I tell you, rappers are smarter than we give them credit for.
"When the workin' day is done, oh girls, they just wanna have fun." - Cyndi Lauper
Am I the only guy who has noticed that all of his single female friends have gone through a metamorphosis as of late? I mean it's almost like all of them went from looking for a solid relationship to heading in one of either two directions. They're either not looking to date at all and just want to hit up the bars, drink, and sit around and watch TV or all they want it to just fuck. Just straight up no strings attached sex. Dinner and a movie is nice, but from what I've noticed it ain't necessary. Now as a guy, I pose one question…"WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS MENTALITY BEFORE?!?!?" Every guy has this mentality. Hell, this shit is innate. All we want to do is watch tv and bone. Videogames are nice, but that requires too much energy that can be used to either change the channels or have sex. Men have been trying to get females to embrace boredom and pornography/sex in general for the better part of a millennium and now all the sudden its in style. Shit, I hope every guy on the planet becomes a metrosexual. It'll serve ya'll right. Cockgobblers.
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