RAW

May 11, 2004

RAW Choice Cut: Audioslave - "Like A Stone"

Home sweet home. And like that, college is over. When I sit back and think about it, it's pretty damn amazing how quickly that time flew by. Oh well, doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing. Just means it'll be a lot less frequent and a lot less people will read it. Guess now instead of me over-analyzing stuff (RAW) or just doing random social commentary (EAP), it'll be more like a diary. Should be interesting.

"I can't see 'em comin' down my eyes, so I gotta make this song cry." - Jay-Z

I amaze myself. I talk about how good an occasional cry is, yet I refuse to do it. I think graduation might have been one of the happiest times of my life, yet one of the saddest. I knew things were changing. I knew I'd never see some people again. I knew that I have didn't a clue as to what was immediately next. With all these emotions and thoughts in my head, there were a few times where I was seconds away from just letting the waterworks go. Never more than when saying goodbye to people. I don't think there was one person who I wasn't holding back a tear for when they left. When Michele left, I did good not to drop a gallon jug. Evenso, from the time Tristan left, to the time when I said bye to Miss Jen I had built up a nice reservoir. Yet when I was free to do cry, I didn't think it was necessary anymore. Hence I write about crying instead. Go fig…

"I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick. If you tick me, my tank is on empty." - Eminem

Another thought that came across my mind on the way home is what happens to T_Piddy? Yes, I know he's not real, but he is a part of me. He's the one that makes irrational decisions seem logical. He's the one that's always up for something new and different. He's the one that'll come over and listen to you when you want someone to talk to, even though he's been on the wrong end of a bad day himself. He's also the one that'll try to stick his tongue down your throat after having a bit too much (female) or take pictures of you when you're passed out on the kitchen floor. And while he's not the best of people all the time, he's a lot nicer than I've been in the past. I used to be really selfish, competitive, impatient, and really arrogant sometimes. Now I'm just impatient. I also stop listening and just hear you. Now that I'm tossed back into the same environment (not blaming my family. They're good. The causes behind my super-ego could fill up a RAW column by themselves) that originally brought this about for a while, I question how I grow as a person now. Does Piddy disappear? Do I retain his best features while blending them with my own? Or do I just slowly grow up into a well-rounded adult? Guess this is another one of those wait and see things.

"Chances blown. Nothing's free. Longing for what used to be…" - Offpsring

At my graduation party, I kept hearing a lot of people telling me not to rush with my job decision. This goes for now and post-MBA. They say there's enough time to work and never enough time to play. Also, to do something I love. Don't do it just because someone finally threw you a job. Or because the pay is outstanding. Do it because you have a passion for it. I find it funny because a friend and I had this same conversation about 2 wks ago. Neither of us want to do a job with great pay for 30 yrs, only to dread going every day - yet neither of us have a passion for anything. Then I started thinking illogically as I always do. I have passions, they're just "out there". My passion lies in professional wrestling. And pop music. And photography. And Ghostbusters. How I can turn any of this into a career, I'm not quite sure. But I've got time to figure it out…

But at the same time, I have to raise the question that at what point in making a career out of your passion do you lose your passion? How do you cope if what you use to escape the real world becomes your every day life? Kurt Cobain took his own life because he couldn't handle the fact that the music he loved now had him tied down. Now while this is an extreme case, it is relevant. Definitely food for thought…

"Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself…where is my mind?" - The Pixies

Just some random thoughts I've had floating around lately…

A question from freshman year that I never found an answer to: Can you be in love with someone if that person isn't in love with you?
Will I miss Clemson now as much as I have in the past? While extremely nice, it was never so much the area or the surroundings that I missed when I left. It was my friends and the activities that were going on there. Now that the majority of my friends and I no longer call Clemson home for 9 months out of the year, how long will it be before Clemson becomes a place I talk about in the past tense?
I look at my Clemson diploma and I think about a lot of things. "Only 100,000 other people or so have one of these." "Why is there no orange anywhere on this thing?" "Thank God they spelled my name correctly." "Whycome my emphasis area isn't stated on this thing?" But with all these thoughts the most overwhelming one is. "4 years of hard work. 4 years of very little sleep. 4 years of presentations, papers, and problems. 4 years of my life and all I have is a sheet of paper. I think I got hosed."

(now I'm talking about the physical diploma itself. The value of the degree is more than I can measure at the moment, but the diploma itself leaves something to be desired)

Where'd all the girls go? Minus Courtney, I think I know no girls in Sumter. They all left town around sophomore year of college. And none of my fellas know any girls who are still around town either. Shit. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna miss Clemson.
Speaking of girls, I now find blondes and black girls attractive on a per-case basis. My sudden noticing of blonde girls since January shouldn't need an explanation, but there have been some black girls around lately that are definitely worth commenting on. The girl from Twista's "Overnight Celebrity," is gorgeous and Alicia Keyes is quite tasty herself. But HOT DAMN, Stacey Dash (girl from Kanye's "All Falls Down" video) might be the most delicious creature walking. There had better be one damn good reason that Kanye didn't get on that plane behind her.
Another one of those Terence is playing the "musical race card" things. In the same vein as my "White people love Andre" comment (which is true. Big Boi's "Last Call" would have been a much better single than "Roses," but it didn't have the same pop appeal as Andre's track…), I'm gonna talk about another boo-boo. White girls, please stop liking D12's "My Band." I'm singling out white girls because they're the only ones who like this God-awful song. Somewhere along the line, they find it funny. No. Just stop. Kudos to Miss Jen for changing the station that one day I was in her car and it came on (she likes the song, but I think she caught wind a while back of how much I loathe it. She's an observant one). Poo on Michele, Aubrey, Miss Rebecca for not only listening to the song, but singing with it. Ugh.

"Shoot for the stars, so if you fall, you'll land on a cloud." - Kanye West

I like this line. I'm not really sure what I'm aiming for at this point in my life, but I know to not sell myself short. And that goes for everything. Education. Friends. Relationships. Personal Happiness. Whatever. I may fail a few times down the road (which definitely won't be the first) but in the end I think everything'll work out.