RAW

February 7, 2005

RAW Choice Cut: R.E.M. - "Losing My Religion"

"Oh no, I said too much. I haven't said enough. I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you sing. I think I thought I saw you cry. But that was just a dream…"

Life's weird sometimes….

"I send the pain below, I send the pain below. Much like suffocating." - Chevelle

There's days at work when I sit back and go, "Yeah, I definitely should have zigged instead of zagging." I give up a lot of things for my job. Time with family. Time with friends. Time to watch Monday Night Raw. Time to sleep. Time to be young. This wouldn't be that bad if I liked my job, but I don't. And I gave up all of this for what? A little cash. Okay, actually a good bit of cash. And while I would love to quit every day I step foot in that God forsaken place, I realize that quitting to get the one thing I desire the most would at the same time take away the one thing I need the most - time. While I would love to be able to have time to go on a Friday and/or Saturday night like most twentysomethings, I realize that I need at least a year's worth of time on my resume. So every day I fight. I fight through the cold. I fight through only being able to communicate with 90% of my employees either through an interpreter or by my broken Spanish. I fight through the 11 to 12 hour nights. I fight through the dumb decisions made by upper management. I fight through the hour-long drive to work and the hour-long drive from work. All for what? That little bit of time. That extra ounce of experience. Time and experience that come summer time will put hopefully put me above every other college graduate. As for now, I continue to pay my dues - sighing heavily as I go.

"30 minutes to make up my mind. 30 minutes to finally decide…" - t.A.T.u.

Speaking of college graduates, I recently went to Clemson and dropped by the MBA office. While in there, I managed to snag a quick interview with the Associate Director of the MBA Program, Martha Duke. Quite possibly one of the best conversations I've had in a while with anyone about my future. We sat and discussed different avenues I could take down the road called life. At the end of our little talk, I came to a conclusion - go back to Plan A. For those who don't know about Plan A, I summed it up nicely in RAW !2:

Biggest issue at un momento - NOT finding a career. I tend to forget this sometimes and I wind up getting myself all worked up about still not having a job. I can take some solace in the fact that no one else (minus Cecil - congrats) has found a job (misery loves company - tight job market will do that), but I'm not looking for something long term. All I wanna do is kill two years of time somewhere, then I can come back and get my MBA.

The last part of Plan A was left out, in that after two years of time somewhere had passed, I would go get my MBA, part-time, preferably at my employer's expense. Somehow I managed to get panicked and lose sight of that goal. Plan B of going to get my MBA full time only surfaced around October when I thought the only way to end this madness was just stop completely, get my MBA while coming up with a new game plan, then try again. After discussing some things with Ms. Duke, we decided three things would be best for me.

1) Getting a new job. Preferably one with reasonable hours. As she put it "slave labor" should not be part of any job. And also one that I like. She noticed that I have an aura about me that I'm "capable of doing anything" and that "just because you can do something, does not mean you're going to like doing it."

2) Waiting a while before pursuing my MBA. We both discussed how the MBA is more of a specialized tool set and not just a typical Master's Degree (this I knew). It might be in my best interest to wait a while, try out some different jobs if necessary, find one that I like, then tailor my MBA around that.

3) Enjoy youth. "21 year olds should be more concerned about how many credit hours they have until graduation, not how many 60+ hour weeks they can work before their body gives in - unless they're in Investment Banking, then that's typical *grownuplaugh*." The woman has a point…

"No one should take themselves so seriously, with many years ahead to fall in line" - blink 182

One last work note, then I'll ramble on about something else. The other night at work I had plans to go out. Luckily Columbia, doesn't close until 4am and I knew that if I could manage to get everyone out by 1:30am I would have a chance at getting out by 2am to at least have some fun. Well I didn't, and as 2:30am rolled around, I walked into "my" office, sat down in my chair, and said, "Well, I guess I might as well sit down. I'm not going out anywhere tonight. No need to stress myself out about it." This older guy named Gerald was in the office and heard me say that. His reply, "That's a sign of maturity. To know when to just deal with the hand you're dealt." Great, I'm growing up. Lovely.

"Two dollars means a snack to me, but it means a big deal to you." - Arrested Development

Compassion. Something that a lot of us lack most of the time. In December I came across a bum. I don't know if he was homeless or not, but he asked if I could spare any change so he could grab a bite to eat. At first I blew him off, and went about enjoying my night out. At the end of the night, after the bars were closed, and everyone was leaving Five Points, I saw the same guy sitting beside the fountains. He looked sad and even hungrier than he did before. It's easy to pay people who are down on their luck no attention when hundreds of others are doing the same, but it's a little bit harder when it's just them all by their lonesome. Before I got in my car to head off to McDonald's for that 4:30am sausage biscuit, I walked over to this guy and handed him $2 that was left over from me breaking a $20 at the bar earlier in the night. I don't know if it was the Christmas spirit or because the saying "What you do to the least of your brothers you do to me" was ringing through my head. But either way, I couldn't go home with $2 that would have most likely wound up in some random girl's g-string while this guy was hungry. He thanked me for those $2 and was excited that I kept my word (see EAP Post Grad 5) - to me that was better than any cheap thrill some stripper could have provided.

"There's no way but up from here." - Shania Twain

Recently, I was moving furniture around the house and I had to move my trophy case. Technically, it's the hutch for my dresser, but I use the shelves and framework for a display for all my achievements. Anyways, as I was rearranging my trophies, plaques, and medals I realized something - my Clemson diploma and honor stole (T_P: STILL the most worthless use of $75 EVER. I would have much rather worn the WCW Championship Belt) were not a part of this. For some reason I kept them separate from the rest of my memories and achievements; like I was expecting something more. I picked it up, blew the dust of it then put it along side my Lakewood diploma. At that moment I felt something. No, not the stunning beauty you get when you put Forest Green beside Royal Purple - but the same feeling I got around this time four years ago. That feeling of "well, this is behind me, let's see that trouble I can get into now." It's almost an uncanny parallel too. After leaving high school, that first semester was rough, but around Jan/Feb I got the hang of things, then great things happened. Right now, I don't think life could have been any rougher than this past "semester." But now, things are slowly starting to turn around and the big picture is coming into perspective. Here's to hoping things turn out as rosy as they did before.