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April 13, 2005
RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It" or My Chemical Romance - "Helena"
That's a first. Why the two different song choices? Well I guess it more so depends on what my mindset is when I finish this thing. The former has been my "feel good, cheer up, the world is full of potential" song as of late, and the latter has been my hymn when even the brightest days are covered with a cloud of gloom and sadness. Neither one is the most cheerful of songs, but they manage to keep me straddled on that fence between perseverance and crumpling up.
"Night is falling. I'm lying awake. I can feel myself fading away…" - Bruce Springstein
Vampiric. Nocturnal. Many words describe how I feel now. I fear nothing. I roam the streets at night searching. For youth. For warmth. For feeling. Frequently, I come up empty and return home wondering when this will all end. And the few, short hours I do get to enjoy the warmth of the sun is bittersweet. Many times the rays of the sun blind my eyes through my windshield, but this pain brings me joy. It's amazing how much you enjoy the stuff you took for granted when they're no longer offered to you on a normal basis. Every day in the sun is like my own personal telling of the story of Persephone. Everything is happy and right with the world, but sooner than later, I fall back into the darkness and blistering cold.
"God show me the way because the devil's trying to break me down…" - Kanye West
During one of my days away from the Underworld, I took a moment to clean my car. It needed it. It looked about as rough as I feel. I got a chance to clean it up real good. Not as good as I did for Valentine's '04 (which is arguably the best my car has looked EVER), but pretty damn good. Anyhow, I had a mix CD in as I cleaned. The normal radio fare of whatever was popular during late summer/early fall '04. Anyways, Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" came on and it made me think about my Rosary. I had misplaced it months ago. I've lost it before and every time it's come back to me. However, this time I felt as if I had lost it for good. The last time I remember having it on me was during one of Piddy's strip club forays. It might as well been lost in the fiery pits of hell. I had gotten used to not having it, but it felt as if something was missing. Guess that tends to happen when something you toted for the better part of a decade is no longer in your possession.
One morning after work (only night shifters can type that) I had this urge to find it. I tore my room up looking for a Rosary. I wanted to find my red one, but if I could have found my blue or black ones that I carried in high school, that would have been fine too. No luck. Well, fast forward back a few days to the car cleaning. Just as Kanye's anthem was getting into full swing (second verse), I started to clean underneath my driver's seat. Found the normal: loose change, Sonic mints, pencils, etc. As I was tossing all this mess into the garbage bag, I happened to see a set of red beads. Come to find out, the Rosary that I was searching for was closer than I ever imagined. It was a rather spiritual moment. Dunno if it was the song that happened to be playing in the background. Or the fact that I was randomly looking for it just a few days prior. Or the fact that as I finished untangling it form its 'normal' state (my keys usually tangle it up in my pocket) the song ended. Either way, it was a definite ray of sunshine - and since I'm surrounded my darkness most of the time - twas rather comforting.
"And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you. I need you. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. Now don't be sad…cause two out of three ain't bad." - Meatloaf
The flame of true love burns bright. But sometimes events happen that diminish the din from that fire. Time. Distance. Personal changes. But occasionally a wind will come in that blows just right. This wind brings with it memories of joy and happiness. This wind carries the smell of her hair in the air. This wind blows hard enough to rekindle the flame, but soft enough to make the embers dance in the night sky. But eventually, that nighttime breeze fades, and all this left is the fire and the light it shines on your soul. The light that illuminates the fragile heart that's been burned by the same fire in the past. While time may heal all wounds, the memory remains…
"Come whatever, we will still be friends forever." - Vitamin C
I really miss my friends. Sometimes you can't tell by my actions (I'm a loner by default - I like people, but its never been a NEED on my list), but I do. I got to talk to Michele about three weeks ago on the phone and it was great. We usually miss each other because of this whole day/night thing, but when we do get to talk it was like nothing had changed. Not too long before that I happened to have a three-day weekend the same weekend Denny was in town for a visit. We caught a bite to eat at Chili's and reminisced about good times had and caught up on what's going on in our lives now. We also decided that that night I got kicked (thrown) out of Overtime for wanting to kick Denny's ass is officially Denny-Polk IV. Since Denny was the one who did not get "escorted" out by three big guys in black shirts, I'd declare him the winner. The overall record is 2-2, with Denny taking Junior and Senior year, and Freshman and Sophomore year going to myself. I also got a chance to catch up with Cecil. I was supposed to eat lunch with him too, but thanks to the hellarific schedule I work, that didn't happen. I'm still upset about that one, but it happens sometimes. Not like I'm not going to not catch up with him (you - because we all know LilCease loves the RAW columns). This man works for a company that presents the NCAA Final Four Tournament in HDTV. He's going to be rich. Plus I have his clothes. He might want them back.
"Longing for what used to be. Still it's hard. Hard to see. Fragile lives. Shattered dreams." - Offspring
Being an American is funny. On one hand I'm all Pro-American. Most of the time we're right, and when we're not right, we'll just change history to make it look that way. American rights and privileges should be available to all citizens. If you're not a citizen, become one and all is right. But at the same time, I'm one of the biggest softies around. I've told stories about Jesus and his wife (if you don't remember, I think its about 4 RAW columns back), well the other night I got to visit their home. Jesus wanted me to see his daughter so I swung by for a spell after work. All I have to say is wow. You could tell that Jesus and his family worked very hard to get where they're at, yet remained true to their roots. It was quite cool, sitting around drinking beer, looking at family pictures, them telling me stories, me telling stories, playing some FIFA (there Piddy, that answers your question as to who buys these games. EA realizes the size of the Hispanic audience and caters to them quite well), and playing with the kids. (The trip also helped with my Spanish since Alejandra does not speak English and I hate for people to feel left out of a conversation, but that's another story for another time) But as much fun as I had (I'll have to show ya'll the pics when I get my hands on them), the whole thing was bittersweet in that I knew that Jesus and his wife, Alejandra, along with Marlen (one of my former Team Leaders) and her husband Victor, and Victor's brother are all on the list to be let go. Why? Not for performance or attendance, but for invalid Social Security Numbers. Now I know, they're just as wrong for using bad numbers as the company is for knowingly letting them work there for 3 years without doing anything, but it still sucks. America is the land of opportunity, but like with everything, that window of opportunity doesn't remain open long.
Closing Thoughts: "So long and good night"
"Don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on all right." - Modest Mouse
Laughter is good for the soul. It keeps you young.
Smiling is good for the heart. It reminds you that not all is lost.
"Nothing lasts forever. Even cold November Rain." - Guns N' Roses
The rain doesn't last forever. If you ride out the storm, you're promised a rainbow.
"Maybe all my misery, it would be well spent here." - Angie Aparo
Visit Angie Aparo's website. www.angieaparo.com He's redone it. Sure, you can't listen to all the tracks off "The American" like before, the moving version of "Cry" more than makes up for it.
"The race is long. And in the end, it's only with yourself." - Baz Luhrmann
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