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May 12, 2005
RAW Choice Cut: World Championship Wrestling - "Sting Entrance Theme"
"When a man's heart is full deceit, it burns up. Dies. And a dark shadow falls over his soul..."
There's no real good way to start this, so I'm just going to start. I don't like what I've made myself into. Now before anyone starts thinking this is some sort of suicidal, depressing bullshit, then apparently you don't know me that well. If anything, it's more of a resurrection...
In one hand, I have a persona that is about as over the top as you can get. His system is full of "crunk" and his vernacular is that of an unrefined person. He's thrown away countless dollars on strippers and alcohol and what does he have to show for it? Sure he has multitudes of whimsical adventures that have become the things of legend - but that's only in his own mind. And that big piece of gold he carries on his shoulder is cute and all, but he hasn't done anything of value to warrant carrying it. The shtick gets old after a while.
And in the other hand, there's a confused little boy fighting fiercely against growing up. He clings desperately to what he knew. He doesn't know what's fighting for or why he has to scream. All he knows is that he likes things "the way they were." Waxing nostalgic whenever possible, he lives so much in the past that many times he lets the future pass him by. It doesn't matter if its how cool Super Nintendo was, how much fun Sophomore year was, or how pretty Michele was, its all the same story. Getting him to use a sentence that doesn't include a past participle is like pulling teeth.
The funny thing is, this is what I decided to fill my hands with sometime between high school and college. This is what replaced what I used to be. A cold hearted, unfeeling, callous young man. Sometimes down right evil. Evenso, I was a young man with a plan. Driven mostly by purely selfish means, but driven nonetheless. And what's what I lost - my drive. My future planning. It became okay to live in the past and enjoy the present because, "hey, I've been successful all the time before, why not now?"
And for the most part, I was right. College was a blast and I did well. I made a lot of great friends, graduated Cum Laude, and have a plethora of stories to share with my kids one day. But all of that does me no good right now - well at least not as much as I'd like to. So, as of now, I go back to what worked. Looking forward for opportunities, planning ahead, and most importantly - looking out for me. I'm tired of being stagnant. Selfish? Yep. I mean if I don't look out for me, who is?
Now while I realize that completely trashing my alter-egos would be the best thing, it's not necessarily the smartest. I've learned a lot from those two and to just disregard those lessons would be dumb. From Piddy, I've learned the ability to just not care about what I do or say sometimes and Terence has taught me the value of having feelings and compassion for others. It's funny that I'm taking lessons from these two, because four to five years ago, they were doing the same from me. You think Piddy's ego came from nowhere?
Now this drastic "Return to Innocence" would be pointless without some sort of catalyst. Reason for the change? I want to be able to retire by the age of 45. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. It's just my amplified personalities can't do what I know I'm capable of doing at the core. Sure, some sacrifices will be made, but that's expected. I'll deal with them as they come. Should be interesting.
I think in the next RAW column I'll discuss how I plan on getting there step by step. Things get done when they're written down and you can hold yourself (and others if need be) accountable. For now, I go back to thinking...
Closing Thoughts
"Just know that its fear that keeps most people working at a job. The fear of not paying their bills. The fear of being fired. The fear of not having enough money. The fear of starting over. That's the price of studying to learn a profession or trade, and then working for money. Most people become a slave to money...and then get angry at their boss."
- An excerpt from Robert T. Kiyosaki's, Rich Dad, Poor Dad
"See I believe in money, power, and respect. First you get the money. Then you get the mothafuckin' power. After you get the fuckin' power, mothafuckas will respect you."
- The LOX ft. Lil Kim & DMX - "Money, Power, Respect"
"The Japanese were aware of three powers. The power of the sword, the power of the jewel, and the power of the mirror. The sword symbolizes the power of weapons and represents strength. The jewel symbolizes the power of money and its control over others. However the mirror symbolizes the power of self-knowledge. According to the legend, this self knowledge was the most treasured of the three."
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