Tori

I will be the first to admit when I have made a big mistake and boy did I ever, but I sure looked good in my one of a kind Alfred Angelo Designer Wedding Gown..hehe.

Before I got married my Adoptive Parents had a sit down visit with the parents of my intended. And they told my then parents of their son's violent behavior. They were very upfront about their son's tendencies to bash holes in the walls and go off on tirades. Still yet, my Adoptive Mother encouraged me to marry this "boy" showing a very strong lack of concern for me or my well-being.. My Adoptive Mother could not wait to get rid of me. She practically pushed me out the door and she was very relieved that I was to be leaving for overseas soon. After that I was treated much like a nobody by the entire family. It was just the start of what was to come. You could almost see the writing on the wall. I was out in spite of the fact that they knew what my husband was.

I graduated from Cosmetologist School the same month I graduated from High School. So, I was doing double duty studies during my Junior and Senior years. I gave up many a weekend to do that, but I have been a Licensed Cosmetologist and OPI Nail Technician since June of 1985.

I have been known to try a wild hairstyle or two throughout my life. This is me with my zaney late 80's hairstyle. It is sort of a punkish retro style. Although, I will have to say this ~ the styles I wore ~ rated no wherenear some of those that I have cut over the years.

I married at age 21. Entirely TOO YOUNG for all of you YOUNG ADULTS out there who are considering getting married right out of High School or while in College. I suggest that you have fun, get an education (while you are young), and establish your independence. Before bring another person into your life to share "a life for two" ~ WORK ON ESTABLISHING FOR LIFE FOR YOURSELF FIRST! Please, don't be like me and have to learn the hard way.

Immediately after marrying, I embarked on my adventure abroad, and I lived in the United Kindgom for three years. This is a picture of me standing at the door of my "flat" in South Hampton's Basingstoke in the United.Kingdom. It was a real adventure, and the chance of a lifetime (living abroad). I enjoyed it very much especially getting a chance to perform while in the U.K. Hear recordings of these LIVE PERFORMANCES on my music page :o)

I just love to sing. I was born to sing on a stage and that is where I feel most at home. I REALLY come to life when I am up there feeding off of the crowd!

Six years after we moved back to the United States (from the United Kingdom), I finally got my long awaited opportunity to go to College. I found out that there is such a program in most cities known as Vocational Rehabilitation. This is a special government program that is set up for the disabled which allows them state allocated funds for the purpose of furthering their education, as well as therapy or treament, and employment assistance. I was fortunate enough to stumble on to this program and meet the criteria. In order to take part in this program, you must be certified as DISABLED. The Vocational Rehabilitation Department determines that by putting each applicant through a battery of tests to conclusively determine whether the applicant will be eligible for services. Also, I might add this is a lengthy process.

As a result of my determined eligiblity I was allowed to enroll in Speech Therapy, and College. While in college for 2 years, I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa International Honor Society after completeing my first college semester. The next semester, I was elected to serve as the Historian of the Phi Theta Kappa International Honor Society and I held that office for 2 yrs.

In addition to my academic honors as a Officer of Phi Theta Kappa, I was awarded and maintained my position on the Dean's List at my local Community College. Along with being a busy mother of two, I was also a full time student maintaining a work load of 20-22 hours per semester and I loved it. It was the first time in my life I ever felt valued, needed, and worth something!

I was also accepted to Louisiana State University of Shreveport where I had planned to continue my education towards a degree in Speech Pathology and Physicology (then later on to my Masters, and Phd.). However, my plans were cut short when my then abusive husband demanded that I quite school because as he said, "[I was] getting too independent." Unfortunately, I was forced to quit, but I plan to return to school soon and finish what I started.

Call me a geek if you want, but I love to learn. I am like a sponge. I want to learn all I can. These achievements did not come easy for me either. It was only later in life that I discovered that I have dyslexia, and I had to do some pretty ingenious manuvering (using colored transparencies) to manage pulling off the academic record that I did. Hard work and dedication is what allowed me such honors as being on the Dean's List, and being an officer of the Phi Theta Kappa International Honor Society. It didn't come easy at all! I loved college and I miss all my friends that I made while attending Bossier Parish Community College ~ Hey friends :o) ...and GO CALALIERS!!!

~ Tori Lynn ~
(A Closer Look)

I am a mother of two ~ married
and I live in Shreveport, Louisiana.

I am a stutterer (meaning I am speech impaired).
I have stuttered since age five, and my "impairment" is a result of long term abuse. To read more about me and my battle against Domestic Violence please visit the other pages on this site ~
all of which are listed below. If you are a victim, or a victim in recovery, I hope that you will find something I say or suggest to be of help to you in your battle against Domestic Violence. God bless you.

In dealing with my speech impairment, I do not let the fact that I stutter hold me back in anything. There is still plenty that life has to offer me, and the way I see it is there are people who are worse off than me.
So, why cry about it?

Other things related to stuttering:

I have been fluent two time in my life, but it always reverted back when I returned to my abusive environment. I see fluency (for me) as an achievable goal), but it will have to be at a time when I am free of abuse or it's annoying stress factors.

I am making strides in the right direction. I attend therapy through a local Speech Pathologist. I read up on stuttering and try to stay current with all the studies and treatments available at present.

Another thing I do is associate with other stutterers and share information. One GREAT SOURCE for me has been UniStut/Unified StutterersGroup. Along with some other very dedicated individuals, I created this online support group through Yahoo! Groups.

In addition to my Co-Foundering UniStut, I also like to cross stitch and do numerous arts and crafts activities. I love to read and write poetry as well as journal. I love to cook too. No matter what I am doing, I see every day as a challenge and strive to meet it head on. I love life and I am a real go getter.

I am a very spiritual person as well and my church is a very imprtant part of my life. (Athough, I would be the last person to critisize anyone in terms of their religion or lack of faith. I believe it is Un-Christianly to critisize or chastise anyone ~ regardless of thier situation or beliefs). For me, however my church has been a life saving support system. I need Christ in my life. It makes it easier just knowing he is there. I enjoy Bible Study and reflecting on what those scriptures can teach me and how I can apply them to life. I also love praise & worship, and singing at church.

I am also a Majorty Member of the International Rainbow for Girls, and a two time Past Grand Officer for the state of Tennessee, as well as being a member of the Masonic Order of Eastern Star. I was a fifth generation Rainbow Girl and I am third generation Eastern Star.

My favorite book (along with a with all the classic and poetry of course) is Coming Home To Myself by Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick. In spite of the fact that I openly profess my faith as a Christian, I am certainly not a prude. I find comfort and solice in such rituals as daily meditation, and spiritual cleansing. The before mention book is a wonderful resource and inspiration for former victims of Domestic Violence. It is filled with positive & empowering self affirmations, and poetry as well. It is a wonderful book and I recommend it highly to anyone who is going through a rough patch in life and anyone who needs a self esteem pick me up. It is not for the weak, it is instead for the strong who need to be recharge. It is just as the title say coming home to one's self, or a rediscovery of one's self. We can all use that from time to time. We are all in this life for a reason, and we are all on our own individual journey here. However, what ever we can learn in this "lesson of life" we should share. That is what life is all about ~ learning, sharing, and caring for our fellow man.

I love aromatherapy, insences (especially Angel Dreams), candles, music (of ever kind except rap ~ I do not regard that as music at all. It is noise and purely unartistic in nature). I like long walks, star gazing, astrology, meditation, creative dance, and I am a true romantic at heart. I love to skate (both ice and roller). In fact, I use to dance and figure skate in my earlier years and often dreamed of being an Olympic Figure Skater). I love to snow ski, hike, and travel. I love going to new places and meeting people. It is especially fun and interesting to venture into other cultures. As a Sagittarus, I am a born traveler and very independent in nature. I am always on the go and love creativity (chosing a number of outlets to express myself). In addition to that I collect Precious Moments (I think because they resemble children), as well as Teddy Bears, Angels, Madonna figurienes, and white doves.

I was born to a family of modest income in Virigina. My father was a high ranking Police Officer, and my mother did not work. My father's name was Fredrick Marvin Ryan, and his family originated in Blarney, Irland (yes the one with the famous Blarney Castle and Blarney Stone). He was born in 1898 and died of a massive heartattack in 1970 when I was 5 yrs old. I miss him very much. He was the light of my life and I have never known a kinder or more gentle man in all my life.

My father always use to tell me all about Irish legends and stories about the Old Country, as he use to call it. He said that the Blarney Stone is suppended in the top of Blarney Castle in Ireland. He continued on to say that for all those who are brave enough to climb to the top of this castle, hang upside down, and kiss the stone; they would have GOOD LUCK and recieve the "gift of gab."

My dad always use to say that I had this gift although I have never kissed the Blarney Stone itself. But I guess being Irish, I inherited it, and rightfully so. (Maybe I do have trouble speaking, but I never have had a problem with knowing what I wanted to say.)

My mother's maiden name was Gilbert so I know that she is was of Irish Heritage too. In fact, I have reseached my geneology and find that my mother and father may have in fact had families from the same villiage in Ireland. However, my mother was much younger than my father. She was 35 when I was born and she died in 1999 of cancer.

I know from hearing stories that they were happy, but there was great turbulance in the relationship even before they were married. My father had other children and married my mother later in life. My father was my mother's 3rd husband, so I had a lot of step siblings (all older than me). I am the baby of the Ryan family, and I resemble my father mostly.

My mother and I never formed what most would call a "normal mother and daughter relationship" ~ she was always drinking and could be very abusive when on a binge. Therefore, I was placed in and out of Foster Care (FOR YEARS starting at age 6 mons), made a Ward of the State of Virginia, and later adopted. That too turned out to be a bad situation because in every on of these situations, yet again, I was abused!

I was adopted at age ten and went with my "NEW FAMILY" to live in Tennessee; in the Smokey Moutains. And this is a place I still regard as home. However, I cannot tell you why. I have never had a home that I really regarded as my own, or one which I felt comfortable in. Still yet, I stayed with this family for a little over ten years, but they were anxious to get rid oif me as soon as they could. i don't even know why they adopted me.

My Adoptive Mother was so very anxious to change me and make me into what she wanted ~ into what she had idealized as a her daughter. She never took the time to even know me as I am. And the same was true form my adoptive father. He never stopped her from abusing me either! Although I was ten years old when I was adopted, and such circumstance are not conducive to trying to change a child or mold them into what "a parent" might want or expect, that is what was expected of me. So, this adoption was doomed from the start under those circumstances. Here again, people need to realize that if you adopt a chld, you are not adopting an object. Even when you adopt a baby, they are not just cute little dolls! That child is a living breathing human being with feelings. I had over compensated long enough to please my natural mother. Yet, here again, I was thrust into the same situation. And my adoptive mother would hit and punch me on numerous ocassions because she became frustrated with me. No one should ever hit a child, and it is only the weak who do! Of course, they will claim that the child deserved it. That is typical of an abusers. But, truth be known, that is only an excuse and an attempt to cover up or deny the real problems and issues at hand within any given abuser.

For my graduation present I got luggage and (while in finals) I got notification of my "Adoptive Parents" pending divorce. So, I had to go through finals with that looming over my head. My Adoptive Mother insisted on moving out the very day I graduated. So. that ruined the day for me.Also, I was told without reservation, I was to stay behindwith "Dad." So, I did. Just me and my luggage waiting for the day when I could escape. Still yet, I felt sorry for my Adoptive Father and I would often comfort him through fits of crying and morning the loss of his marriage (although it was a turbulant one to say the least). Once again, I was taking on the parental role and just like before when I needed a parent or support none would be there for me. It was just like always I was abandoned and rejected.

I already knew that my Adoptive Mother did not love me sincerely. If she had she would have wanted me to go with her, but it was only years later that my asumption would be confirmed as they would plot against me and become my worst enemies yet. To hurt me in my youth wasn't enough for them. They would have to attack me on a much deeper level still yet. They both remarried and I was not even invited and almost not even told of their engagements. That hurt me VERY MUCH ~ but there again I was nothing to them.

With all I ever did in life ~ all my accomplishments which I took great pride in, you'd think my Adoptive Parents would have been proud of me, but not so. They would have much rather harped on me or put me down for the trivial things in life rather than to recognize my achievements. It was heart breaking growing up in a disfunctional family. I never felt at ease. Instead, I always felt like I was on to the next quest for acceptance, and approval. That is why I developed the attitude of an over achiever. Still yet, I was regarded as stupid and pathetic by my Adoptive Parents. They thought I could do nothing right and I was worth nothing to them in the same regard. I almost they hated me.

I remember when I graduated I asked my Adoptive Father about my Natural Father's Social Security Death Benifits that I wanted to use for College and to that he said "YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER (meaning my Natural Mother) ~ YOU ARE NOTHING BUT WHITE TRASH!" I said, "Do you have any idea how much that hurts me?" Yet he did not respond. I cried for days, because it hurt so bad and of course I didn't want to be anything like my Natural Mother. After all, she was an Alcoholic ~ and a SEVERE ONE AT THAT!

From that day forward, I didn't make quite the same effort to please them because it was already obvious to me at that point that there was no point in it. They had already formed their opinion(s) of me and I could not do anything right or well enough to please them ~ so I stopped trying. (Incidentally years after the fact I found papers which proved that they did receive money until I turned eighteen. Apparently I was only a nice Social Security Check to them all along. Oh well, it is over now because they abandoned and rejected me in 1998 when I divorced.

When I graduated from High School, I was never offered the oppportunity to go to College. Even though that is what my Natural Father's Social Security Death Benifits were suppose to be used for ~ A COLLEGE EDUCATION FOR ME! (The papers I found in later years from the Departmet of Human Services which had been addressed to my Adoptive Parents even stipulated that). Yet when it came time for me to go college, for "whatever reason" there was apparently NO MONEY.

Therefore, I tried to get into the military. I made very high scores on the ASVAB Military Exam. I was looking forward to the opportunity of having an Air Force Career, attending College and (later) Officer's Training School. I had set my mind to showing them all I could do it ~ I could be something! However, my plans were cut short when I was "washed out" during my physical due to my speech impediment. That is something I will go into further, later on. I was forced to say TONGUE TWISTERS by the doctor at the evaluation center. This was a VERY HUMILIATING AND DEGRADING EXPERIENCE. Then, as if that wasn't enough, to follow it up, he made sure that it was also announced over the loud speaker for everyonel to hear. It was devastating and there again I felt like a failure. I hated going home after that but I did only to have to face the music and more of the same mental abuse. "You will never be anything!" they said, and I truely felt like a failure then too.. Still yet, I knew deep down that there would come a day when I would prove them all wrong ~ all of my abusers!

Interestingly enough, even though I did not get into the service my boyfriend did. However, it was with mixed emotions that I congratulated him. He did not even want to be in the military. It was like he was living my dream and only doing so because he was afraid of loosing me. He didn't really want to be there and I knew that, but still yet he went and when I failed my physical ironically he passed his. He was sworn in and before we both knew it he was off to Basic Training. Then he got stationed in the United Kingdom. This would be the start of trouble as he began to resent me for "making him join up" as he said. Although I never twisted his arm or even so much as asked him to go, he joined himself.. For all of you out there who can relate to this ~ this type of behavior should be a BIG RED FLAG. Don't go or be with someone in a relationship who can't stand to be aware from you or allow you to have your own life. That is a BIG RED FLAG waving over your head.

I received this award on November 8, 1996 from the Alpha Rho Phi Chapter of the Phi Theta Kappa International Honors Society and it is hard to read here but it says for Dedication, Diversity and Creativity. This was after my first term as Historian, and I loved holding that office for the time that I did. It was an honor above and beyond what I could have exspected. I cried like a baby when I had to quit school too.

As Historian my official duty was to kept the chapter scrapbook. In addition to that, I created graphic for making of certificates for every member(200 or more). I made special award, invitations, and handle special events, as well as party and social events. I created a Chapter Pin Design and the Blue and Gold Circle Concept to increase Membership Participation. and made a 4'x4' Laurel with a PTK sash running through the middle of it (which was used at all PTK functions), and you know what? They didn't need to thank me or give me a special award. I thank them for giving me the opportunity to feel needed, wanted and valued as a person. I would do it all again without the award even. The award is special sure enough, and I will treasure it always, but it is nothing compared to the feelings and the memories I will treasure for a lifetime!

A certain kind of pride comes out in your work and life when you are made to feel needed and valued. All the sudden you value yourself. Without that in your life (in our life), we are missing something and likewise the same is true for others that you may come in contact with. Everyone should know what this feels like. EVERYONE SHOULD BE VAULED ~ even you :o)

When I was in the United Kingom, I paricipated in doing a bunch of LIVE GUEST PERFORMANCES on the Royal Air Force Bases USAF Installations. I loved it and every time I would take the stage and hear the crowd roaring, my heart would soar. It was like I found my nitch, my place ~ my home. YES ~ I've had a hard times in my life, and at times I wanted to give up or just give in and sink down into dispair. But, something would not let me. I know I am better than that, and if you know what I am talking about, I want you to know, you are better than that too! What is that saying? "That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Well Domestic Violence can kill, but there's a part of you deep down inside that is called your "WILL" and that is the part you need to NURTURE. You need to feed it daily. Don't ever let anyone distroy your "WILL" And, I say that because that is the part of you that pull you through all things and it "WILL MAKE YOU A SURVIVOR" Even if no one else is sure of you or values you, you can love and value yourself. Even when you don't feel you have a home. Your heart is your home, and your dreams can grow there. Let your heart sing, and dream of all the things you have always wanted :o) ~ then slowly but surely start to work towards those dreams (or goals). Also, if no one else tells you positive things, then you do it for yourself. Make notes; stick them on your bathroom mirror. Tell yourself, how beautiful you are...how smart you are...how talented and worthwhile you are :o) These are called Self Affirmations. And though I know it sounds silly this really does work. If you need to vent or talk, and no one is available, then Journal and jot your feelings down. Either way, get your feelings out to where they are not all bottled up inside of you ~ because that can distroy your health, not to metion other things. It is best to BE POSITIVE because negativity can be a killer. Just remember the only one you have to please is YOU.

Some of my work is soon to be published in a collection of poems called "Under The Quicksilver Moon" ISNB: 0-7951-5160-8, $45.00. This collection of poetry features my poem, "The Victim's Prayer" as seen on my Award Winning Poetry Page. This poem will also be available via CD collection of Poetry called "The Sound of Poetry" so look for these items to be arriving in stores soon or get your copy at Poetry.com today. Hope you enjoy these poetry collections. Be looking for more publications of my work to be coming out soon to include a three volume set of autobiograghies which we hope will be turned into TV movies in the coming years. And will be my story pertaining 36 years as a victim of Domestic Violence and my recovery from it. There is life after Domestic Violence! And I am proof of it! So, keep the faith, and God Bless! Claim Survivor Status!

The American Cancer Society -

My biological mother died in May of 1999 of cancer. We suspect that she had cancer for a number of years due to heavy smoking because it originated in her lungs. It was horrible watching her die. She was so frail and so weak. She could barely eat or do anything. I loved my mother in spite of everything in the past, and I would have loved more than anything to save here. I would have loved to have had the time with her that I did not have as a child. But I did not get a chance to have to rebuild and develope that relationship. So, my new found dedication to this charity is in tribute to her and all cancer patients everywhere. A word to the wise ~ BE SMART, DON'T SMOKE! It is a deadly habit! See more information on how you can join the fight to save lives. Join the American Cancer Society in it's fight to perserve life and combat this deadly disease by clicking on this icon.

Join the Relay for Life!

The American Heart Association -

My biological father died of heart desease when I was five years old. His death devistated me. And not having him in my life was a horrific experience because my father was my protector, and he was the rock of our family. It almost seemed like that when he died the family died with him. There was no more stability. And for me there was no hope growing up in that environment. I watched my mother detoriorate into a drunken state everyday until little by little she and everyone in my family slipped away. I honest hope that no other child has to endure what I did. But, I know I have to be realistic in expections that it will no doubt happen. Still yet, I want to take a stand as much as I can against all the things that hurt me and my family in the past. There, I would encourage you to take a stand with me. Don't let heart desease take someone that you love. Find out all the facts, take care of yourself, and live healthy. For none of us know when the desease can strike and rob us of someone that we love. Please go to the following link for more information and join The American Heart Association today, if you can. And, if you do not know CPR, learn this life saving procedure ASAP!

Saint Jude's Children's Hospital -

As much as I love children, I hate to see them suffer. I hate to see them suffer in pain and I most certainly hate to see them die! With the advancement of our scientific technology we should be miles ahead in our battle to save them. But, there is still so much work to be done; research, in depth studies, and drug trials. All the while our children are dying. Saint Jude's is a research center just as much as it is a hospital. And this is a place where children can be treated regardless of their families abilty to pay. I had opportunity to visit Saint Jude's Children's Hospital. And I will tell you that in spite of the fact that that some of their patients don't make it, Saint Jude's is a place of hope. Therefore, if you have anything to give please give to this fine treatment and research organization. A number of children are probably sitting in the the Saint Jude's Children's Hospital today hoping that you will. For more information on Saint Jude's click on the link.

I believe a great deal in Astrology. I don't consult my horoscope every single day, but I do believe planetary shifts (planetary movement) can affect our life. It makes sense! I mean, think about it. If the phases of the moon can affect the tides of the ocean, why wouldn't it be able to affect us as human beings living on this planet?

I have had my natal chart done, and it was very interesting. It revealed things that have already occurred in my past and things to come in the furture. In fact, I have study to an advanced level in the science of Astrology. I believe that there is even evidence of Astrology in the Bible. For instance, it is said that the wise men were astrologers. That is why they followed the star to Bethlehem and to the place where they found the Christ child. And the sister of Pladeas are listed numerous times throughout scripture as well. So, that is why I combine my fairth in God and my belief in astrology to guide me through life and its pitfalls. Sometimes bad influences (bad individuals) are responsible for the trappings in life. So, eliminate them!

Of course, I am not a person that believes that one's destiny is written in stone. I don't believe that we are doomed to one set of fixed circumstances in life (or one destiny). Instead, I believe that the outcome of our destiny is within our control. If I did not believe that I guess I would curl up in a corner and not want to live after all that I have been through. But, I believe that if one devotes him or herself to living a good life, then a good destiny shall be written in the stars for that individual. That is what I term as fate!

II believe in Karma. Hence, the phrase, "what come around goes around." So, anyway, this is the principle I stive to live my life by. I believe that anyone who can live a life being good to other people will be rewarded for that in the end. This is what I call manifesting destiny. We create it (although other's influence it). Still yet, we can change it. Nothing is fixed ~ everything can and does change. Your destiny is yours to create and it is never to late for change to begin to take place.

This is the year, one of my long awaited dreams came true!

I got to go to Nashville and sing for a real Record Producer & well-known Manager. And along my journey, I met a lot of interesting and famous people in the music industry. I got to sit in on a private "jam sessions", and I got to hear music still in the song writing stage! I even got to sit in on a private screening of a music video which was soon to be released to CMTV & MTV by Hank Williams, JR. And, I got to meet the well-known, legendary, and much loved star himself. He even thought I sang good!!! =) Thanks Hank!