His fingers shook as he brought the cigarette to his lips. He sat on the bed, staring blankly into space; the only source of light was the slight parting of the heavy curtains. But even so, it made the room look sickly and Toshiya groaned, shutting the curtains altogether. The light hurt his eyes which were sore and red. The live was this evening; he wondered if the make-up could hide the puffiness of his eyes and the sorrow beneath.

***

" Quick, it’s getting late!" Shinya hurried the members of the band but seemingly all of them ignored the youngest. Kyo was busy smoking(yuck!), Die’s face was as black as ink, and even Kaoru seemed different, not bothering much about the live, a little too cheerful…and Toshiya was…nowhere to be seen. "Where’s our bassist?!"

No one answered him.

Shinya sighed, putting down his sling bag and walked back inside the hotel building.

" Where are you going?" Finally someone realised he exists!!!

He rested a hand on his hips haughtily. "Well, I’m going up to call Toshiya if you don’t mind. Or would you rather do it yourself, Die-kun?!"

Seeing the blank stare he got in reply, Shinya sighed internally and ran up the short flight of steps into the hotel.

***

The miserable face in the mirror stared back at him with the same emptiness.

I never meant anything to him.

His shirt was not buttoned, allowing him to touch the little scars that adorned his chest down to his stomach. Kaoru had done this to him. Stupid Toshiya. If you had meant anything to him, he wouldn’t hurt you like the way he did. Toshiya licked his parched lips then applied a sheen of shiny lip gloss over it.

But his hands were shaking. Heck, his whole body was. It was just a slight tremble to begin with but it soon consumed him as he could not hold himself anymore. The lipstick fell to the floor as he sobbed.

Outside, Shinya walked in brisk steps along the corridor, his lips pursed together.

What’s wrong with everybody lately?! he fumed…

What’s wrong with himself?! He felt...

Shinya bit hit lower lip, frowning, as he knocked against Toshiya’s room door in impatience.

" Toshiya! It’s time! We’re getting late!" the drummer spoke loudly but no reply was heard. "Toshiya!!!" He knocked harder.

When he was replied with more silence, worry crept into him, fearing something might have happened to the bassist. Again, he knocked the door but much softer and cautious, tapping his knuckles on the hard wood. "Toshiya, are you okay?"

No answer.

He tested the doorknob and it twisted easily in his hand. The hotel room was dark inside but at first glance he caught sight of Toshiya sitting on the floor by the bed. He sucked in a breath and entered, closing the door behind him.

Toshiya was not yet dressed but his face appeared as if he had put on his make-up. But the younger man gasp in shock as he saw the tear stains ruining the beautiful face, smearing the black mascara and wetting the foundation.

Toshiya seemed to notice Shinya as his head turned a small angle towards the drummer. He looked up at his face, a smile slowly etched in a hauntingly sad light over his painted-red lips.

Shinya felt his mouth and throat go dry. He stood there, staring at Toshiya for a long time. Toshiya’s lips trembled as his smile slowly crumbled and he cried openly, shamelessly before his bandmate. Shinya didn’t know what happened, or what to do. He just knelt down and wrapped Toshiya in his arms, rocking back and forth as the man wept while he closed his eyes to kill his tears.

***

The night was high. Dir en Grey rushed into the changing room to switch costumes, taking a short break before returning to the mad crowd outside. Kyo flicked out a cigarette, insert it into his mouth and lit it as Shinya cringed his nose in disgust. Die laughed and joined Kyo, taking a long drag of his Salem. Kaoru watched with slight amusement.

He downed his bottle of water but his throat thirsted for more. Just as he stretched to claim another bottle, Toshiya slipped out of the dressing cubicle in his white costume. There were blue stardust sprinkled over his black hair and part of his face; it glittered.

When Toshiya’s eyes landed on him, Kaoru merely shifted his eyes away, as if in disgust. And Toshiya felt his action stab through his heart. But he steeled himself, all smiles and cheers as he joined the rest of the band members.

Fine, be that way!

Shinya smiled at the bassist. "You okay?" he asked softly.

" Yeah," Toshiya smiled reassuringly.

Die threw a worried glance in his direction but Toshiya responded with a nod implying that he was fine.

Kyo threw his cigarette down on the floor and crushed it with the hell of his boot. ‘Huh, I better go out first," he said, giving them a short wave as he departed the area. Then followed Kaoru and Shinya, leaving Toshiya and Die in there alone.

Toshiya was about to go out when Die suddenly pulled him back.

" Hm?"

" Are you really okay?"

" Of course," Toshiya answered. "Don’t worry about me!"

Die frowned. "I -am- worried about you…"

" I’m fine, Die-kun! Really!" the bassist insisted as he drew his arm from Die.

The redhead sighed, taking Toshiya’s hands in his gently. "Toshiya…I really care about you…" Die gulped, looking for changes in Toshiya’s expression but there were none. "I…I…want to take care of you…"

The younger man bit his lower lip, his brows curved his confusion.

" What I really mean is…give me a chance, to be with you, protect you, hold you in my arms," Die said it out smoothly but inside he was shaking, unsure, uncertain. He squeezed the Toshiya’s smooth hand, holding it tightly. His eyes locked with Toshiya's, staring deeply into the hypnotizing darkness.

" Will you…give me the chance, Toshiya?"