His eyes began to water. Kaoru could see this and he felt his heart wrench in pain.

" Toshiya, what is it?"

" Go away! Go away!" Toshiya shove the guitarist off the bed. Kaoru landed painfully on his butt.

" What the hell is wrong with you?!"

" Yeah, what the hell is wrong with me? I’ll tell you what’s wrong! Everything’s wrong! I want you all to myself but no, you have a girlfriend to be considerate of! I want you to not be embarrassed by our relationship but that’s not happening, you are even too embarrassed to admit you’re sleeping with me! I want to be able to tell my friends that I love you but I can’t because you’ll get angry at me! I want to be a girl so that I can marry you but I’m not!!!" Toshiya wailed as the hot tears burned his cheeks. He threw the blanket aside and got up abruptly, wiping his wet face, as he turned away from Kaoru and sat on the carpeted floor.

Kaoru was quite stunned at Toshiya’s outburst. He stood still, digesting what he said.

" I know you don’t love me…but couldn’t you just pretend?" Toshiya said meekly. "…just pretend as if you loved me? All I want is…just to feel secure in your arms, to just believe for one slight moment…that you would love me forever…" He buried his face in his hands. "…just for one moment."

Kaoru merely stared at Toshiya’s wrecked profile, a sense of guilt and something else that hurt just as much filled his heart. "Toshiya…"

" I’m tired of just being your partner for sex. It used to be such a thrill, knowing that you wanted me, that you found me attractive. I know you’re going out with a lot of girls and sleeping with them too…I knew it then and I know it now…but I’m too selfish."

" What is this, Toshiya?" Kaoru asked, trying to laugh at Toshiya’s sappiness but somehow failing. What was wrong with him? It’s time to dump Toshiya and he knew it. Toshiya was getting too annoying, too possessive and too emotional. He hated it when his male lovers started getting attached to him. But somehow he felt that Toshiya would not be like them. Toshiya was , after all, different. "Toshiya, don’t be stupid. I already explained to you what I wanted from the very beginning…and you agreed! What’s the problem?"

" Stupid Toshiya…" Toshiya smiled gently, letting the smile hide the hurt in him.

" It’s late now; let’s turn in," Kaoru said, putting a hand on the bassist’s bony shoulder.

" No…go home, Kaoru. It’s over; find yourself another cute guy to fuck with okay?"

" What?!" Kaoru couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Toshiya _dumping_ him?!!!

" Leave."

" But…"

" Just go!" Toshiya began to scream at him and chased him out of the apartment.

***

" I hate this!!!" Kaoru banged the mug of beer on the counter, shocking a few customers in the pub.

" What? What is it that you hate?" Die asked, not very affected by Kaoru’s sudden increase of anger.

" Toshiya…"

" You hate Toshiya?"

" No…it’s not that…I mean, it’s because of Toshiya that…that…God, I hate this!"

" I know."

" What the fuck is it that you know, Die-sama??"

" You hate it when your lovers want you for themselves. I know that; because I wanted you that way too then you just dumped me!" Die laughed. "But you were a good fuck…too bad it didn’t last long."

" Hey, what is it that you know, I’m asking??"

" Toshiya…he’s in love with you no?"

"…"

" Don’t lie…I can see it every time he looks at you. You’re so cruel, you know."

" What?! You’re not starting on this matter too, are you?"

" Hah, you’re one real emotionless bastard, you know that?!"

Kaoru glared at the other drummer, feeling his blood boil.

" Okay, okay."

They both turned to their drinks and sipped at them quietly though the beer was starting to lose the coolness and was beginning to taste kinda yucky.

" I’m not emotionless."

" Yeah? What’s the proof?"

" Toshiya…" Kaoru trailed off and stared blankly into his bubble-less beer.

" Hey! Don’t zone out like that!!! Tell me!"

" I love Toshiya."

***

He held the key Toshiya had given him a month ago in his hand. The door unlocked as it twisted it in the keyhole.

" Toshiya-chan?" he called out.

But when no one answered, he began to get worried. As he rushed to the bedroom, he prayed that Toshiya had not done something silly. The room was dark, totally black; he couldn’t see anything but for some absurd reason, he did not switch on the light.

He climbed on the bed and relief washed over him when his hand touched Toshiya.

" Are you okay?" he asked.

" Why are you here?" his voice was soft and muffled.

Kaoru didn’t answer for a long time. But when he did, he said, "To show you love."

Toshiya’s heart skipped a beat when he heard this and it melted when he felt Kaoru’s finger’s caressing his back. He got what he wanted…a time when Kaoru pretended to love him. He supposed it was better than nothing. So he turned around and gazed into the man’s eyes for a mere second before he was consumed in kisses.

He knew he would remember that night forever as it was the first time Kaoru had shown him how to make love.

***

When the bassist woke up, it was already dawn, the sun was peeking out from the horizon. He was sleepy but he didn’t want to sleep back. He wanted to immerse himself in Kaoru’s warmth a little longer. After all, he thought to himself, he might as well enjoy the only time Kaoru was warm to him.

He ran his fingers along Kaoru’s arched eyebrows, his defined cheeks, the soft parted lips which he kissed lightly. Tears wet his eyes, stinging them as he felt Kaoru beneath his fingertips.

Why? Why does it have to be like this? All I want is to be with Kaoru…but it hurts so much…he doesn’t love me. But I love him. He doesn’t want to be seen with a guy…but I don’t mind, do I? If Kaoru treated me like this once in a while, I’d stay with him, I’d be his whore forever…because I love him.

" Hn…" Kaoru stirred and dread attacked Toshiya.

" Sleep a while longer ne, Kaoru…please…" he pleaded to the sleeping man. He wrapped his arms around the older man’s waist and inhaled the scent of his body. But what he wanted was a fairytale, not just sex with Kaoru. He knew it but he could do nothing about it. He began to cry, quietly and softly, as not to wake the other man.

But Kaoru felt the wetness against his chest anyway. "Toshiya…?" he frowned. "What is it?"

" Nothing…nothing, go back to sleep, Kaoru." Toshiya quickly wiped off his tears.

" Please, Toshiya. Tell me," Kaoru insisted as he pulled the young man away from his body to look at his teary face. Gently, he dried the tears for him.

" Thank you, Kaoru…thank you so much," Toshiya said and again, buried his head in Kaoru’s chest.

" Thank you???"

" For making me feel loved. I’m so happy!" Toshiya smiled cheerfully despite the tears.

Kaoru stared at him. "Toshiya…"

" I’m sorry for what I said yesterday. Will you still want me? Please, don’t leave me. I don’t care if you’re dating other girls or someone else. It’s okay. I understand. Just don’t leave me, please?" Toshiya begged.

" Toshiya…"

" I know I’m wrong…I didn’t mean it when I told you to leave. I swear! I love you and you can do whatever you want to me! Just stay with me! Just promised you’ll come see me once in a while and never abandon me!!"

The words were babbled out in chunks interspersed with Toshiya’s frantic sobs. " Please…Kaoru. I love you, love you so much…Kaoru…"

But Kaoru heard every syllable, absorbing it and feeling Toshiya’s pain at the same time. He stroked the fine long hair as he kissed Toshiya on his forehead.

" I love you too…"

" Thank you, Kaoru…"

" No…I’m not pretending."

Toshiya merely clutched at Kaoru, afraid to wake up from the sweet dream…Kaoru had said he loved him!

" I really do love you…I promise I’ll be with you forever. I won’t see those girls ever again. All I want is you and to make you happy…I love you."

Toshiya stopped weeping and looked straight at Kaoru. "You…love me?"

" Yes."

" I’m dreaming, aren’t I?" Toshiya’s face were sketched with disbelief.

" No, you’re not," Kaoru smiled. "It’s just that I woke up from _my_ dream of ignorance."

Toshiya blushed shyly. "Then you’ll stay here and sleep with me till morning?"

" It’s morning now, Toshiya-chan…"

" No, _later_ in the morning?" Toshiya asked, a coy smile lighting up his face.

" Oh…" Kaoru grinned. "What do you intend we do while we wait for ‘later in the morning’???"

" Well, I’ll think of something…" Toshiya trailed off as he narrowed his eyes seductively at Kaoru. "Something fun…"