Vicious Cycle

By: Kurara

*part 3*

“Shinya can’t know about this…” Kaoru paced back and forth, causing Toshiya, who sat at the table calmly eating his breakfast to get annoyed.  “If he finds out, then definitely he won’t want me any more…”

 “Kaoru, didn’t you TELL him to go out with Die?  If you’re so concerned about him not wanting you, then why’d you tell him to go out with another guy?!”

 Kaoru’s hands shook as he ran them through his hair.  “Because, I wanted him to make sure he didn’t have the same feelings for him as he does for me.  I want him to be happy!”

 “But you want him to be yours as well.”

 “I don’t matter here!  Only Shinya… only Shinya…”

 “What about me?  What am I doing here if only Shinya matters?”  Toshiya yelled.

 “I was drunk!  So were you!  I never meant for us to sleep together!  I had no desire to sleep with you!”  Kaoru yelled back without thinking.

 “…”  Toshiya tried to hold back tears.  “No… desire… am I… undesirable?  You’ve never even thought…”  Toshiya held his napkin up to his face.

 “Toshiya… I…” Kaoru put a hand on Toshiya’s shoulder, but the bassist jumped out of his chair and away from Kaoru.

 “Don’t touch me!”   He cried.  “I can’t believe you!  Didn’t you ever consider me?!  Didn’t you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I would’ve had something for you?”  He grabbed his bag.  “I’ll see you at practice…” he said as calmly and unemotionally as possible and ran out of the apartment.

 Kaoru collapsed to the floor, wondering what the day would bring.

 *

 “Mmm… Gackt… we shouldn’t be doing this here… ugh…” Kyo moaned as Gackt’s hands undid his pants and began to slide in.

 “Heh…” he kissed Kyo’s neck over and over again, “never stopped you before…”

 Kyo bit Gackt’s neck, making the other vocalist moan.  “I know… just –AH!-“  Kyo tried to catch his breath as he was held by Gackt strongly.  “Ughn… felt like saying that…”  He threw his head back and panted as Gackt massaged him.

 The studio door opened and Toshiya came in and threw himself on the couch right in front of the couple, as it was the nearest, and cried into the arm of the couch.

 Kyo blinked and held onto Gackt’s wrist.  “Gackt… tonight… let’s continue, ne?  I need to see what’s wrong.”

 Gackt nodded.  “See you tonight.”  He kissed Kyo’s lips hungrily for a moment and patted Toshiya’s head on the way out.

 Kyo sat on the couch and laid his torso over Toshiya’s.  He gently stroked the bassist’s hair.  “Totchi-chan… what’s wrong?”

 “Nan demo nai…” Toshiya sniffed.

 “Don’t lie… you don’t come in crying for nothing… tell me…”

 “K-kaoru…” he sobbed, “we slept with each other last night and… and when he woke up sober, he said he never… never had any desire to be with me…”

 “Have you had any real desire to be with him?”

 “…”

”Toshiya?  Have you had any desire to be with him?”

“I… I’ve imagined it… but… but I want Die…”

Kyo nodded.  “Well, don’t worry about Kaoru.  He’s probably just stressed because he’s still in love with Shinya.”  (Geez Kyo, when did you start getting so smart??? –K)

“What about Die?  He and Shinya went out last night.”  Toshiya was starting to calm down.

“Well, Shinya still loves Kaoru.   If he loves Kaoru more than he does Die, they’ll fall apart quickly if we keep making Shinya and Kaoru be around each other.   Then, you can catch Die on the rebound.”   Kyo smiled.

“But… what if Die doesn’t have anything for me?  That would make him be all alone!”

“Toshiya… I’m a firm believer that, given enough time, if one loves another, then eventually, if that person works on it, the other person will fall in love as well.”

Toshiya sat up.  “You sure?”

Kyo nodded.

*

Die walked with Shinya into the studio, his arms wrapped around the drummer from behind and placing kisses on his neck.  Shinya giggled and held Die’s arms as they walked through the door.  They saw Toshiya and Kyo talking on the couch and sat on the opposite couch, Die pulling Shinya into his lap.   The couple flirted like crazy, making Toshiya sick.  He started to walk out of the studio for a smoke when he bumped into Kaoru.  They stood awkwardly until Kaoru saw Die and Shinya.  He fumed and grabbed Toshiya around the waist, forcing his lips upon the bassist’s passionately.  Toshiya squirmed away and slapped Kaoru.  “Yamete!  Stop playing with my heart!”  And he pushed past Kaoru to get outside.

Kyo shook his head.  ­Baka Kaoru… he doesn’t know he digging himself in deeper…

Shinya stopped and starred at Kaoru in disbelief.  So, it’s true!  He really does want Toshiya!  But, Toshiya doesn’t want him…

Die blinked in shock.  Toshiya… what’s wrong?  He poked Shinya.  “Ne, Shin-chan… I’m gonna go check up on Totchi.”

Shinya nodded.  “Okay.”  And then I can check up on Kaoru… no… he doesn’t need me… he doesn’t want me…  He got up and Die kissed his cheek before running out to check on the bassist.

Kyo hopped up.  “I need to call Gackt about tonight!”  He lied and ran out.

Shinya sat uncomfortably on the couch.   Great… now it’s just me and Kaoru…

Kaoru looked over to Shinya.  I’ve really screwed up… suggesting him and Die… I never thought it’d turn out this way…  He gripped his hair.  I’ve really fucked up… and now… I hurt Toshiya… everyone must hate me…

 I wonder what he’s thinking of… does he ever think of me anymore?  Or is he too busy thinking of Toshiya?

 I wonder what he thinks of me now… IF he thinks of me… Die probably is the only thing in his eyes now that he’s gotten rid of me…

 At the same time the two men brushed away a single tear that came from their eyes.

 *

 Toshiya stood, hugging himself, and looking out toward the street.  He felt arms wrap around him from behind and closed his eyes.  “Kaoru… don’t use me… please…”

 “I’m not Kaoru.”

 Toshiya’s eyes snapped open.  Die!  He twisted his head to meet the guitarist’s face.  “Die…”

 Die turned Toshiya so that he faced him.  “Toshiya, what’s wrong?  What’s up with you and Kaoru?”

 Toshiya pouted.  “He’s a big jerk!  We both got drunk and… well… we kinda slept with each other and then when he woke up and realized it was me…” Toshiya put his head into Die’s chest, “he was so concerned about Shinya finding out and he said he never wanted me…”

 “Wow… I never knew you had anything for Kaoru…”

 Toshiya shook his head.  “No, I didn’t, not that way.  I mean, I have had an attraction and lust, but… I’m not in love with him… not like—“ Toshiya bit his lip.  Die can’t know… not now…

 “Like?”  Die inquired.  This feels so right… holding him…

 “… you wouldn’t know him…”

 “Is that your way of telling me that you don’t want to tell me?”

 Toshiya nodded into Die’s chest.  “Not yet… I can’t tell you yet…”

 Die nodded and hugged Toshiya.   “You know, Toshiya, I’m here for you, if you want to talk or anything, okay?  Nothing will change that.”

 I can think of something that might… Toshiya nodded.  “Arigato.”

 *

 -After practice-

 Die walked over to Toshiya and patted his shoulder.  “You gonna be okay?”

 Toshiya nodded grimly.  “Yeah, I think so.”

 Kyo ran past them quickly.   “Ja guys!  I have a hot date!!!”

 Shinya smiled.  “That guy is only truly awake for sex.”

 Die laughed.  “Yeah.  Hey, Totchi!   Why don’t you join Shinya and me?   Heh… can have a threesome!  How about that?”  He joked.

 Shinya… do you let Die touch you like I used to?  Do you cry out his name instead of mine?  Kaoru bit his lip.

 Toshiya laughed nervously.   “Well, I would, but I don’t want to intrude on you two.”

 Shinya jumped up and patted Toshiya’s head.  “No, really, we can all go out to the movies or something!”

 “Heh… and watch you two make out the whole time?”

 Kaoru tried not to listen, but they were too loud.

 Shinya stuck his tongue out at Toshiya.  “I do not make out everywhere!”

 “Oh?  When you and Kaoru were going out, you two couldn’t be found without your lips locked!”

 Shinya drew back at the mention of Kaoru.

 Toshiya bit his lip, realizing what he did.  Die came up and hugged Shinya.  “Don’t worry Toshiya, we won’t have wild sex in front of you, unless you wanna join?”   He grinned.

 Are they already having sex?   Shinya… I don’t want to imagine Die with you… I just want you for me…

 Toshiya sighed.  “Well, if you two really want me to come…”

 Shinya nodded.  “Yeah!  Come with us!”

 “Okay.” 

 Shinya linked an arm through Toshiya’s.  “Okay!  Where do we go?”

 They don’t even bother with me… I’m so left out now…

 *

 Gackt nudged Kyo awake.  “Kyo… Kyo…”

 “Nnn… mom… I don’t need school…”

 “Kyo!”  Gackt shook the other vocalist.  “Kyo!  Wake up dammit!”

 “No… chickens don’t mate in the winter… moron… I like pickles best…”

 Gackt raised an eyebrow and shook him again.  “Kyo!  You need to wake up!”

 “You both are… idiots… mmm…. Toyotas go faster than that…”

 Gackt pouted and bit Kyo’s neck hard.  Kyo jumped up.   “Gah!  Wait until I’m away before you get frisky Gackt!”

 Gackt sighed.  “Kyo, I think something bad is going to happen… I have one of those feelings… like, someone is going to put themselves in danger…”

 Kyo blinked.  “Really?  Who?”

 Gackt shook his head.  “I don’t know… but… it’s scaring me… I think one of your bandmates… we should call them all and tell them to be careful.”

 Kyo nodded.  “Okay.”  Kyo got out his mobile and turned it on.  He dialed Die’s number.  After a few rings, Die picked it up.

 “Moshi moshi?  Die desu.”

 “Hi Die!”

 “Eh?  Kyo?  What do you want?”

 “Well… Gackty-poo feels like something is going to happen, and he’s usually right about these things… so, be careful, okay?”

 “Okay.”  Die told Shinya what Kyo said.  “Okay, we’ll be careful.  Arigato, Kyo-kun.  Say the same to Gackt, okay?”

 “Sure.  Ja!”  Kyo hung up his phone and called Toshiya.  “Hey Totchi!”

 “Kyo, I’m with Die and Shinya, I know…”

 “Oh… okay.  So, what have you have been doing?  Trying to steal Die right under Shinya’s nose?”

 Toshiya sighed.  “Not really, they’re trying to cheer me up, so we’re at the amusement park and Die won this big blue teddy bear for me and a pink bunny for Shinya.”

 “Heh…cute… well, I’ll talk to you tomorrow then, okay?”

 “Okay.”

 “Have fun!”

 “Heh… hopefully.   Ja.”

 “Ja.”  Kyo turned to Gackt.  “Okay, I’ll call Kaoru and then I’ll be finished.”

 Gackt nodded.

 *

 The phone was ringing and Kaoru looked over at it.  It was up on the bathroom counter.  He thought of how he wanted to call Shinya, to tell him he was sorry, to tell him why he was doing this, but he didn’t have the courage.  The slits on his wrist were pouring out blood and Kaoru felt cold and passed out.

 *

 “No answer… I don’t know where Kaoru lives…” Kyo went pale.  “I can’t go check on him…” he turned to Gackt.  “It has to be Kaoru.”

 “Doesn’t Shinya know where he lives?”

 “Oh yeah!”  Kyo called up Shinya’s mobile.

 “Moshi moshi?”

 “SHINYA!!!  You have to go to Kaoru’s place!”

 “What?”

 “Shinya… I…” tears streamed down Kyo’s face and he held the phone out to Gackt.

 “Shinya-san?”

 “Hai?  Who’s this?”

 “Gackt desu.  Listen, Kaoru is probably in danger.  Just trust me.  His phone isn’t being answered and Kyo doesn’t know where Kaoru lives.  You have to go and check on him.”

 “K…” Shinya went pale.  “Okay.  Arigato.”  He turned off his phone and turned to Die.  “Die, I have to go to Kaoru’s apartment, will you drive me?”

 Die nodded and they all went to the car.  Shinya gave directions with a shaky voice.  What could be wrong?  Kaoru…

 They got to the apartment building and ran to the elevator.  Shinya impatiently waited for the elevator to hit the lobby and then jumped in, repeatedly pressing the button for his floor.  As the elevator went up, Shinya nervously paced around.  Shinya turned to the others.  “His room is 960.  I’m going to rush out to it, so look for that room, okay?”

 The other two nodded.  “What’s going on?”  Die asked.

 “I don’t know…” Shinya looked.up.  “But something seems wrong, and… and now I’m filling with a feeling of dread.”

 The elevator opened and Shinya ran at Kaoru’s apartment.  He got there and tested the door.  Locked.  He bit his lip and looked in his bag.  “Good thing I still have this.”  He pulled out a key and shoved it in the lock, unlocking the door and dashing in.  “Kaoru!”

 No response.

 “Kaoru?”  He ran through the apartment and saw light coming from under the bathroom door.  He walked to it.   “Kaoru?  You in there?”

 No answer.

 “Kaoru?”  Still nothing.  “Kaoru, I’m coming in.”  He tried the door.   It was locked.  He gritted his teeth and ran into it with his shoulder repeatedly until the door gave and he fell in and into a puddle of blood.  He gasped and screamed, looking at Kaoru’s limp body and a bloody knife on the floor.  “KAORU!!!”

 -End Part 3-

...to be continued...

***

kurara@jshock.i-p.com  

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