*** 

Die took a long drag of his cigarette while leaning on the couch. It was a cold morning but in the apartment Die felt hot. He was sweating so much…he didn’t even know why…so he sat there with bare chest smoking his cigarette. The red head closed his eyes…inhaling the smell of smoke to his nostrils.

You stink! Go take shower or you’ll never see me again!

Die breath out the smoke.

Don’t do that! I can get killed!

He opened his eyes and stared at it fading in the air. What was he doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be in Shinya’s apartment trying to explain what happened last night? Why did he leave Shinya? Why didn’t he stay or wake him up or…

Because you’re a loser…coward…you don’t deserve him…he answered his own questions. Die himself couldn’t believe he left Shinya after sex…something he never did before!

I was so damn right Shinya…nobody could hurt you the way I did…

Die closed his eyes again. Shinya was probably sleeping right now…or maybe he’d woken up and was dealing with his hangover. How about me? I’m dealing with my own stupidity…my ego…my selfishness…what am I doing here? The red head stubbed his cig then got up. He grabbed his neglected shirt on the floor then took his car key.

*

Yoshiki stroke his hair idly, lovingly. The older man tightened his hold on Shinya’s arm. He looked down and realized Shinya was sleeping. The producer sighed, "Shinya…Shinya…why do you make me feel old?" he whispered. Yoshiki glanced another look at Shinya again. He was still sleeping…

What did Die do to him? Was it what I have in mind?

*

"Come on…Come on…" Die tapped the door impatiently. There was no sound, nothing. The red head rushed to the parking lot…Shinya’s car wasn’t there…he rubbed his face and narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. So Shinya woke up and went out? Where could he be? How could he drive?

I thought he promised me not to put himself in danger ever again

Die snorted, "Stupid Die…that was a dream…" he scolded himself. The red head sighed then walked towards his car. He got in and waited for a while. Where could he go? He didn’t want to disturb Kaoru and Toshiya…but Kyo was probably still in Kaoru’s apartment ne? He sighed and held his phone dialing Kaoru’s number. Die swore realising he had to recharge.

*

"What’s going on here?" Toshiya pouted as he walked out the room. He woke up couldn’t find Kaoru beside him. He looked for his lover in the bathroom but he wasn’t in there! Did Kaoru leave without saying anything? How come…? Toshiya whined and walked towards the living room. Suddenly he heard people talking.

"Where did you go last night?" that was Kaoru’s voice. Toshiya tried not to make any sound. He crept behind the wall and leaned on it.

"Nah…" was the reply. Toshiya joined his eyebrows. Was it Die? Sounded like him…Toshiya thought. The bassist peered and saw a pink head leaning over trying to talk to a red head who lay on a couch.

"I called you last night…but your mobile was off…no batteries…" Kaoru explained. Die merely grunted as he heard that. He didn’t even know…until this morning he checked. The phone was off and there were few calls from Kaoru. Toshiya scratched his face silently.

"What happened last night? Did you see Shinya?" the older guitarist asked. Die sighed tiredly. He moved up and looked at Kaoru with an arm reaching for Kaoru’s, he spoke softly.

"I had a dream…"

Kaoru could see the strangeness in Die’s eyes. But it was familiar…so familiar…

*

"Yoshiki-san…"

The producer widened his eyes and looked at the young man. Shinya was looking at him with his innocent eyes (Ah…) the older man gasped and covered his lips, "Did I wake you up?" he must have talked so loudly that Shinya woke up!

"Iie…" Shinya whispered tightening his hug on Yoshiki’s waist. The producer thought for a while deciding that it was the time to ask.

"Shinya…do you want to tell me what happened?" it was better not to attack him with questions. Shinya nodded and moved away from Yoshiki.

"I had a dream…"

Yoshiki raised an eyebrow.

*

"What do you mean by…dream?" Kaoru asked confusedly. Toshiya made a face. "A dream like…nightmare? Or something happened and you took it as a dream because it was too good to be true? Or you really had a dream?" the pink head added. Die pouted, Kaoru had answer his own question.

"Okay…you’ll probably kill me…but I didn’t even know what I was doing…it’s just…do you know what I mean?" Die looked at him nervously. Kaoru smiled funnily and snorted, "O yeah! I really get it you know…you had never spoken this clearly before!" the younger man glared. Kaoru glared back.

"Fine! Shinya was-"

Die sat up straight, Kaoru stood up and Toshiya jumped as somebody screamed in fear and frustration. Kaoru looked at Die who looked back. Toshiya managed to calm down and rushed to the guest room. He slammed the door opened and found Kyo staring at him with tearful eyes.

"Kyo! Kyo-kun! What’s wrong?" The bassist gasped in surprise.

Kyo looked at him weirdly, "What…what am I doing here? Where’s this? Not my room…Shinya…Shinya…" he stuttered. Kyo looked around and winced.

Die…

Kyo snapped his head up, "Die! Where’s Die?!!!" he yelled at Toshiya.

"I’m here…" came a cold voice.

Kyo gasped and grabbed Die’s arm, "Shinya…where’s he? What did you do…did you see him anywhere?" the vocalist stared at him studying his face. Die looked surprised but then he moved Kyo’s arms away. Toshiya held Kaoru’s hand looking at them confusedly. The red head walked out the room and sat down on the couch. Kyo trailed off behind him followed by Kaoru and his lover.

"Die! Tell me!" Kyo yelled impatiently.

"Okay…I took him back to his apartment last night…he should be fine…" but he didn’t sound convincing enough so Kyo didn’t believe him. Neither did Kaoru and Toshiya. The bassist pouted and asked, "Are you not telling us something?" Toshiya had something in mind. He knew Kaoru had the same idea but Kyo was just too dizzy to think.

"Die…? What happen to Shinya?" Kyo hissed.

The older man sighed, "I went to his apartment this morning…just now, but I couldn’t find his car…and when I knocked on the door there was no answer…" Die closed his eyes and remembered the night before. How Shinya had kissed him…and how Shinya called his name…touching him…so full of love and care…

And he left him…

He treated you so well just like the old times…but you left him the next morning…what is he for you, Die?

The red head leaned back on the couch with eyes shut.

"You know…" Die spoke to no one, though he should know his friends were listening. "I’m such a loser…a coward…a jerk…"

Kyo joined his eyebrows looking at him. Kaoru looked at Toshiya while the bassist went through few expressions on his face. First he looked confused, then thoughtful, and the next minute Toshiya was looking at Die as if the red head had just killed Kaoru. The blue head held Kaoru’s hand tightly and bit his lip.

"Die…I can’t believe it…don’t tell me…" Toshiya stuttered. The next thing Kaoru knew was Toshiya running away to his room. He looked confused for a while but managed to ignore Kyo’s stare and looked for his lover.

*

"Totchi…Toshi-chan…what’s wrong?" Kaoru whispered and turned him around. Toshiya pouted and hugged his waist. The older man smiled and hugged him back, "What do you have in mind?" he whispered near Toshiya’s ear then kissed it.

"Shinya told Die how much he loved him but Die rejected him…" the bassist mumbled. Kaoru laughed and shook his head, "Iie…I think Die left him after they had sex…" Toshiya moved away quickly and stared at Kaoru.

"Really? He told you that?" he asked. But only a smile came as an answer. Toshiya nodded, "I’ll go and call Shinya…" he walked towards the phone but Kaoru caught his arm, "No…I think he’s fine right now…" Kaoru pulled him closer. The bassist arched an eyebrow,

"Yoshiki-san?"

*

"So it was really beautiful…but it was a dream?"

Shinya nodded.

Yoshiki sighed and turned away. He didn’t think it was a dream…Die had promised him he would never give up…and the ‘dream’ was supposed to be his chance to get Shinya back…

Maybe he left…but why? Yoshiki thought for a while but before he could find the answer, Shinya touched his arm, "Yoshiki-san I’m scared…" the younger man mumbled. The producer looked at him for a long time before replying,

"You’re not the only one Shinya…"

I don’t think I can blame Die do I? He thought pulling Shinya closer. Realising he couldn’t do so Yoshiki felt tired. Tired of being the middle guy, the one both of them went to… …he played with Shinya’s hair. The young mad needed him though…how could he say no to Shinya? That would just hurt the young man even more!

*

Kyo glared at the man who sat in front of him. Die tried to ignore it but he couldn’t! "Kyo…listen to me okay? Shinya is fine…nothing’s wrong with him…I took him home last night and-" I made love to him…

"-And he is probably in Yoshiki’s house right now…" Die finished the sentence. Kyo raised both eyebrows, "Yeah! That might be true! He’s close with Yoshiki these days!" somebody touched his arm so Kyo carefully turned. Kaoru smiled, "You guys want breakfast?" he looked at Kyo. The vocalist shook his head, "Iie…I wanna sleep…so Shinya is fine now…"

Kaoru stared at Die while Kyo walked back to the guest room. Die avoided his sharp eyes by turning away nervously. The older man sighed and placed himself beside the other guitarist.

"You don’t have to tell me…I don’t understand why you did that…" Die looked at him. "But one day I’ll eventually get it…when you have the answer yourself…" Kaoru held his shoulder. The red head bit his lip then moved closer hugging Kaoru. Meanwhile in the dining room, Toshiya thought he heard somebody sobbing. But maybe... …it was just his imagination.

 *

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