***

Kaoru glanced at his watch, hit the dashboard then stared at his phone. Why didn’t Toshiya answer the phone? Why didn’t he…where was he? The guitarist looked up and found himself getting trapped in the massive traffic jam! And why was he so nervous now?

*

Kaoru rushed to his apartment, unlocked the door and panicked even more when he was greeted by the darkness. He switched the lights on, then went everywhere to find Toshiya but he was nowhere. Kaoru bit his lip and went into his room.

God…

Kaoru felt his knees weakened but couldn’t help feeling relieved seeing something on the bed. The pink head climbed up the bed, turning the bedside lamp on and quickly pounced on the ‘something’. He heard a faint whimper under the blanket and when he pulled it down, Toshiya was staring at him, pouting.

Kaoru sighed in relief, bent down and cupped Toshiya’s face.

"Totchi…" he whispered touching his forehead with Toshiya’s. "Where have you been? What have you done?!!!" there was no reply. Kaoru closed his eyes and kissed Toshiya’s nose, "I was so worried! Why didn’t you answer the phone?! I called you so many times!"

"…"

Kaoru joined his eyebrows and opened his eyes, pulling away. He kneeled on the bed, straddling Toshiya, who was completely under the blanket.

"Kaoru…do you think I’m pretty?"

The older man looked startled for few seconds, trying to believe what he had just heard. He remembered what Kyo told him, he came home bloody…he opened his mouth, ready to ask. But seeing Toshiya’s expression, sad and gloomy, he changed his mind.

"Of course you are! Die thinks Shinya is the most beautiful creature in the world. To me, you’re what beauty is, Totchi!" Kaoru exclaimed and kissed Toshiya’s forehead again. Something weird here…

Toshiya sighed and turned away, staring at one of the pillows, "Sometimes I wish I’m not…pretty as people said" he spoke in a tone of regret.

He came home bloody

Kaoru touched his lover’s cheeks, then turned him around.

"Totchi…what’s wrong?" Kaoru asked, concernedly. He could see it, fear. Fear and sadness in Toshiya’s eyes. It wasn’t about Shinya was it? It was Toshiya himself. The bassist’s lips trembled.

"Few months ago…I was invited to a friend’s party. I had so much fun…until his other ‘friends’ came…" he stopped to wipe a tear that rolled down his cheek. Kaoru narrowed his eyes, feeling anger building up slowly for the reason he didn’t even know.

"His ‘other’ ‘uninvited’ friends…"

Kaoru touched his cheek,

"…then…it turned out to be a nightmare for everyone…they thrashed and…became …" Toshiya had to stop again, "We finally couldn’t take it anymore and tried to call the police but somebody found out…then they became so violent!" the bassist blinked sniffled and he suddenly gripped Kaoru’s sleeves tightly.

"If I’m not pretty as they commented…it wouldn’t have happened to me…" he choked the words out and stared into Kaoru’s eyes. The guitarist parted his lips, shocked. What to say? He didn’t know…but…

"Totchi…" he tried but wasn’t good enough.

"Then the police came…and everyone ran away…I remembered somebody helping me…and when I opened my eyes, I saw Kyo! I was back in his house, in my room and I thought it was a nightmare but the pain was there! The bruises, the cuts…" Toshiya squeezed his eyes shut.

He looked so pretty…Kaoru blinked few times in confusion. There were so many things in his mind, crowding out…the words spun around…

And I still remembered how he showed his crooked teeth smiling so cutely waving me goodbye

Kaoru, with trembled hands, pulled Toshiya up and hugged him tightly. Toshiya hugged him back, sobbing.

"I tried to forget, thinking that I wanted it, that they were friends and I shared the fun they had…but the pain just couldn’t go away!

He came home bruised, torn and bloody…

Kaoru opened his eyes and bit his lip. He could sense it…the feeling. Like he could kill whoever did it to his love…no matter how many they were!

Talk to him, Kaoru

Kaoru sighed, and pulled away. He stared into Toshiya’s tearful eyes.

"Totchi…talk to me…"

*

Toshiya closed his eyes, feeling the bed moved as Kaoru lay beside him. The guitarist snuggled into the blanket and turned his head to look at him. When Toshiya finally opened his eyes, he blushed. How long had he closed his eyes…giving Kaoru the chance to stare at him?

"Totchi…why didn’t you tell me?"

Toshiya shook his head, "How can I? I told Kyo not to tell anyone, and it happened before…" he stopped. Kaoru smiled caringly,

"Before we’re together? But you should’ve told me! Before this…’thing’ happens again…Why?" he thought of Shinya and the way he looked in the hospital ward. Toshiya cleared his throat.

"The words were at the tip of my tongue…but everytime I looked at you…I totally lost them! And I was busy lying to myself, thinking that it wasn’t as painful as I thought it was…" his hands held Kaoru’s tightly and Kaoru brought them to his face and kissed each of it. Toshiya blushed.

The room was filled with silence for few minutes. Both men merely stared at each other, thinking.

"Kaoru…"

"Hm?"

"If it happened now…what would you do? If it happened now while I’m with you…" Kaoru put a finger on his lips,

"First of all Totchi, if I was with you that time, you wouldn’t have gone to that party alone in the first place!" Toshiya laughed and wrapped an arm around Kaoru’s waist, "I mean seriously…"

Kaoru smiled, "Yeah…then I would’ve known how Die feels" he stopped, gazing away, "But right now! I feel that I –know- how Die feels, even though it was part of your past" Kaoru pulled Toshiya’s hand and placed it on his chest, "I love you…"

Toshiya smiled back, nodding. The older man pulled him close to his chest, "Telling me this risking your nightlife, Totchi" Kaoru pouted. The bassist laughed, "Hm…I knew you’d say that…"

"Demo…why did you go out so much, even after that incident?" Kaoru asked, looking at him. Toshiya made no answer and Kaoru knew he shouldn’t be pushing him. So he too shut up. It took Toshiya a while before he spoke,

"Kaoru…"

"Nani?"

"Do you have any idea how hard it’ll be for Shinya?"

"………and Die too"

Toshiya suddenly got tensed up and Kaoru felt it, "Don’t say that! You don’t know how Shinya feels!!! You can’t say Shinya would take it easier than Die!!! You can’t say Shinya seem stronger than Die because you don’t know how it feels!!!" he quickly pulled away. Kaoru lost in those words, looking surprise.

"Totchi! I didn’t say…I’m sorry…"

Toshiya pouted and slowly fell himself being pulled into Kaoru’s embrace. He closed his eyes, leaning slightly on his lover, "This will be harder to Shinya…he keeps things for himself and…everytime I was in my bedroom, or around the apartment, the pain seemed to increase so much!" he stopped and Kaoru found Toshiya crying again.

"So I went out, having ‘fun’ trying to forget the whole thing…which was actually pain…" he remembered meeting Hakuei for the first time, then the others…it was such a long list! And they were just to cover the pain from that. One. Night. And instead of making him feel better, deep down inside he was crushed! But what could he do?

It already happened…and if Toshiya had a tiny idea that, one day, it would happen to Shinya too…he would never brought him to that dangerous place! No, he would quickly tell Shinya about it! So Shinya got scared, and the drummer wouldn’t have the guts to go out at night…

But that’s if he knew…

"Kaoru…"

"Hai…"

"The next meeting you have with the police, I'll be there…" Toshiya smiled sweetly to Kaoru, who smiled back and kissed the top of Toshiya’s head.

*

The room was still dark, and it was still cold. But some things were different. There was a huge bouquet on the table, and there was somebody else in the room. A red haired, resting his head beside the patient and he was holding his hand so tightly, yet gently. The red head was sleeping. He must have fallen asleep while staring at his love.

Mnn…

The red head, between reality and oblivion…thought he heard something.

A moan…

Did he just hear something? Or maybe he was dreaming? His sleepy eyes felt too heavy to flutter, and his body felt numb, heavy and tired.

Moan…there it went again…another moan. It wasn’t him, was it? It wasn’t. Then …who?

Die’s eyes snapped open as he realized who it might be. Totally conscious, he jerked his head up, to find Shinya, turning his head. The younger one’s eyes were still shut, but he was humming, sounded like a hum. Shinya did that when he had dreams…and Die knew that.

"Shinya!" Die hissed, nervously. He reached out and touched those weak shoulders.

Slowly, Shinya opened his eyes, and it was easy coz dark greeted him immediately. He blinked slowly, few times, and Die felt himself smiling widely. Relief washed over him seeing Shinya, finally, opened his eyes.

Shinya moaned again, but then he realized somebody was there…standing beside the bed, closely, and was holding his shoulders. He turned around…and saw…

"Die!" he whispered. The red head sighed in relief, "Shinya!" he called out. Shinya had called his name! And Die watched, mesmerized, as the younger one moved his trembled arm weakly and touched his own much stronger looking arm. And when he gazed into Shinya’s eyes, they looked watery, and glowed under the dim light.

"Die…" Shinya whispered and Die thought he saw a tiny smile. But then Shinya touched his throat with the hand that connected to the drip.

"W-water…" Shinya choked and Die went frantic searching for water and he quickly poured it to a glass from the see through jug. Shinya wanted to take it with his own hand, but he was too weak. So Die helped by wrapping an arm behind and slightly pulled him up. Shinya sipped a little, and Die watched, almost in tears, seeing the drummer so weakly gulping the water.

"Shinya…" he whispered.

The younger one leaned on his arm, still drinking. But then Shinya coughed. Die panicked. Maybe he choked! He quickly held the glass but it slipped and broke into pieces on the floor. It made a loud noise in the cold room, along with Shinya’s coughing. The guitarist panicked seeing Shinya, in pain.

"Shinya…what’s wrong?" he shifted a little and quickly snatched the bell. He pressed it like a mad man, but then…

Shinya coughed loudly, covering his mouth, but it didn’t prevent something bursting out from his parted lips and it splattered on Die’s cheek. The guitarist gasped, and that was when he heard footsteps and the door burst opened. The light flickered on and the red head saw everything… Die’s horror.

Shinya’s hands were covered with blood, fresh looking blood and he was still coughing. It stained from Shinya’s white hospital attire to the white bed sheet and blanket. And the smell…

"Call the doctor!!!" he heard somebody screaming. Then other noises came along. Die merely stood frozen with lips parted, watching Shinya, in pain…bloody. He couldn’t do anything, could he?

Shinya…

The next second was chaos. Nurses went in and surrounded Shinya, who was still struggling to breathe. Die felt himself being pulled away, as if Shinya was sucked away…and the distance seemed to increase. Before he realized anything else, Die felt himself being pushed to the door.

Shinya…the drummer took a last glance at Die before he completely disappeared among the nurses. Die leaned on the wall, feeling his knees weakened every second. He moved his hand and rubbed his cheek. The smell…he brought it down and found blood on his palm.

Shinya’s blood

*

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