***

Kaoru entered the apartment with a surprise look on his face. There were other two pairs of shoes he had seen before yet didn’t belong to Totchi, or Die…who’s here? Toshiya rushed to the genkan and helped him with Die. Kyo appeared behind the bassist.

"Hey…what are you doing here?" Kaoru exclaimed, smiling. Kyo stuck his tongue out, "Don’t you ever think that we might be worried about him?" he pointed at Die, who turned away and went to the living room. Toshiya stood beside Kaoru, speaking quite softly, "How’s…Shinya?"

Kaoru shrugged, "He’s fine, just something to do with, inner bleeding and the doctor said they could deal with it! But Shinya will stay in the ICU for two or three days…" and the weird thing is…but he stopped right there. Tomorrow…he would find out. He had to!

Toshiya gazed down, resting his head on Kaoru’s arm. "This is horrible…Ano, we got other guest ne…" Toshiya pulled his arm and both men walked towards the living room, hand in hand. Kaoru sighed as he saw Yoshiki watching Die falling asleep on the couch.

"I’ve talked to the doc!" the producer got up but couldn’t take his eyes off Die. Kaoru nodded, so he called him eh? And they probably made some deal about things…now the guitarist knew how the red head feel! Everything seemed to be secrets…but why? Kaoru remembered the doc mentioning ‘parents’ and that sentence he stopped abruptly. And many other weird things!

We’re his band mates and we should have the rights to know too! Why do I have this feeling that…that there’s something between Shinya, and the doc! Kaoru glanced at Yoshiki, and him! Then he switched his attention to Die, who was already sleeping. He doesn’t know anything, does he? Funny how he’s the one caring the most…and the reason why this whole thing happens!

You doubted Toshiya, thinking about how he taught Shinya word by word…and Shinya, how stubborn he is! If he loves Die then why can’t things go simple?! Oh! And Kyo, what was he doing with Yoshiki?!!! If they didn’t get together –that- night, this wouldn’t have happened eh?

Could you stop finding everyone’s fault? How bout yours? Did you think that you didn’t get a part in this too?! Who was the one telling Toshiya not leave at nine? Who was the one mocking Die and Shinya’s relationship? Who was the one hurting Die’s feeling?

You! Kaoru squeezed his eyes shut then opened them again. Kyo stared at the sleeping Die. And Kaoru was too busy staring at Yoshiki that he missed Toshiya’s worried look. The producer cleared his throat, "This is getting really depressing" he looked at Kyo, "If I wasn’t there…and kept you- with me…" Toshiya turned.

The vocalist pouted, "Iie! He went alone because I looked, really sleepy and decided to leave when I was in the bathroom! So it wasn’t your fault but mine! If I tried my best to keep him there…" Kyo shook his head. The youngest sat beside Kyo, "No! It’s not your fault! And not Yoshiki-san’s fault!"

"My fault isn’t it?!" Kaoru sounded snappy. Everyone gazed in surprise at him, "Hai! My fault eh? If I agreed with you leaving around nine, we wouldn’t be late, so we could probably meet him! And the car that broke down was mine anyway…" the pink head spoke harshly. Toshiya shook his head,

"So what’re we doing here? Blaming ourselves?! Ha! Then let me tell you guys something! If I didn’t even…suggesting about that stupid damn festival!" Kaoru snorted and rolled his eyes, "Oh! Really?! If you –really- wanna blame yourself, then shouldn’t you be saying something about teaching Shinya how to dump this guy?!" Kaoru yelled aloud, pointing at the sleeping Die.

Kyo looked at Yoshiki in shock. The latter sighed, shaking his head and slumped on the couch. Toshiya’s eyes squinted. He looked like as if he was gonna burst out crying, and Kyo bet that was exactly what the bassist gonna do. But then the youngest nodded his head strongly.

"Hai! I –did- teach Shinya, word by word, how to dump your –bestfren-! So what?! It –is- my fault!!! And just becoz I can’t take seeing Shinya, going through what I had been doesn’t mean you can be so snappy!!! I know you’ve thought over it and I might not be your ideal pure lover-"

Kyo’s eyes bulged and stole a glance at Yoshiki while Toshiya went on yelling to Kaoru, who yelled back at some certain words Toshiya choked out. The producer managed to stay calm, though he really wondered what Toshiya meant by ‘going through what I had been’

"Can you guys shut up?!! I’m trying to sleep here! And speaking of guilt, aren’t I the one to be blamed?" Die yelled without opening his eyes. Toshiya stopped curtly and Kaoru turned seeing Die on the couch, slowly opening his eyes.

"If I didn’t go out and got drunk in the first place, do you think I’m gonna be here, listening to your crap?! No!!! No!!!" the red head’s voice rose and Toshiya’s fingers clutched tightly on his shirt. Kaoru looked at his lover. Yoshiki and Kyo exchanged looks before the older one pulled Kyo up and excused themselves.

"I think it’s really late now. Come Kyo, let me take you home" Yoshiki spoke, giving Kyo a look, who got it instantly and nervously grabbed his jacket, "H-Hai! It’s so late, night guys!" both men seemed to rush towards the door. Die stood and walked towards the guest room.

Toshiya watched as the doors were shut but Kaoru gasped, remembered something and left the bassist alone in the living room. He bit his lip, trying not to cry. Reluctantly Toshiya walked and entered Kaoru’s room and decided to give a try on sleeping.

"Yoshiki-san!" Kaoru yelled ignoring the fact that it was past mid. The producer turned his head and joined his eyebrows, "Kaoru? Did I leave something or…" he handed Kyo the car key, "Get in first!" the singer nodded and walked away. Kaoru panted, stopping right in front of the older man, ‘Kaoru?"

"Yoshiki-san…I need to talk to you! Tomorrow! Your office?" he asked through his panting. Yoshiki narrowed his eyes, looking suspiciously at him for a long time before nodding slowly, "Okay, tomorrow after lunch?"

Kaoru nodded and the producer left.

*

Toshiya suppressed a gasp and rubbed his cheeks quickly as the door was opened and somebody walked in. it had to be Kaoru. the bassist rolled his eyes listening to Kaoru’s footsteps. The older man closed the door and stayed there for hours. Toshiya moved his head and turned around. It was too long! Kaoru never spent so much time in the bathroom! And there was no sound of running water or anything!

Toshiya glanced at his watch, almost four and he couldn’t sleep at all! But then the door clicked open and Toshiya quickly switched back to the same position as before. He listened attentively as Kaoru opened the cupboard and finally climbed up the bed. That was when he could smell cig smoke.

So Kaoru had smoked for hours!!!

"Totchi…"

Toshiya bit his lips, was Kaoru calling him? Or…

"Toshiya…I know you’re not sleeping…" Kaoru pulled his arm and Toshiya closed his eyes, pretending to sleep. The older man patted his cheeks, "Don’t pretend that you are! I’m not that bad to think that you can’t care less about me! Open your eyes!" Toshiya could smell him, stink of cigarette. He was scared to open his eyes, but the way Kaoru had said it…

"I’m sorry okay?" Kaoru whispered, holding his shoulders. Toshiya opened his eyes and saw Kaoru’s pleading face and the sadness in his eyes. It really showed. Toshiya shook his head, "Toshi! I know I can’t just say sorry everytime I hurt you! and I know I can’t use what’s happening as an excuse! But please listen to me!" Kaoru cupped his face.

"I love you…but I never realized how much it is, until just now…" Kaoru whispered.

"…" there was nothing to say. Toshiya didn’t seem to understand. The older man smiled, "I felt something weird building inside me, when you told me what happened few months ago. I didn’t know what it was. Then I went to hospital, saw Die and here, everyone blamed themselves! It was just so much!" Kaoru whispered, holding Toshiya’s face.

"I blamed Die, Shinya…and you, Kyo even Yoshiki for everything! Just now…when I yelled at you, that’s becoz I realized that I was actually part of it! And when you yelled back. It’s like…you finally got everything out of your heart! Like you exploded! You might not realized it…and Kyo and Yoshiki, and Die couldn’t possibly saw what I had seen!"

Toshiya moved and supported himself with his arm. Kaoru sighed and leaned forward, "I saw the man I love, standing there with his heart crushed…becoz of me! I felt cold and careless but then I saw… I don’t know…an explosion! It’s just so beautiful!" Toshiya’s eyes widened at this. Beautiful? Explosion? Him?

Kaoru brushed his finger down Toshiya’s cheek, "I know it might sound really weird. That’s why I was in there, pondering about it!" he pointed at the bathroom. The younger man joined his eyebrows as Kaoru continued, "Toshiya, I love you…very –very- much! And I’m just a stupid jerk, not realising how deep it is…until now!" Kaoru whispered, planting a kiss on his cheek.

Toshiya sighed and touched Kaoru’s face, "Baka…" he whispered back. Kaoru smiled, "I thought I was an old man" Toshiya hugged him tightly, "Old baka-chan…-my- old baka-chan" Kaoru brought Toshiya’s face near his.

"Aishiteru…" he kissed Toshiya again, along his cheek, gently. Was this the same old Kaoru who made him cry then apologize afterwards? Or maybe he had changed? Kaoru lay beside him, wrapped an arm around his waist and kissed him goodnight.

"Totchi… trust me please…I LOVE you…" Toshiya smiled and hugged him tighter, "Are you going to see the doc tomorrow?" he asked. Kaoru’s heart jumped.

"No, but I’m going to see Yoshiki…" Kaoru replied carefully. Toshiya nodded, "I'll be with Die, accompany him or walk him around…" the pink head sighed in relief. So Toshiya didn’t realize it did he? There was something behind this…something really mysterious!

And Toshiya couldn’t know about it! Maybe it was better for him…

And I still remembered how he showed his crooked teeth smiling so cutely waving me goodbye

Kaoru closed his eyes, hugging Toshiya back, tightly.

*to be continued

*

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