***

Yoshiki turned back and smiled as the doc was nowhere to be seen. Kaoru panted lightly, "Nah, Yoshiki-san. Why rushing now? We could just secretly sneak in later ne" He asked, in a teasing tone. The older man laughed, "I’m not stupid. It’s lunch time and Die’s probably not there!!! How are you gonna explain this whole thing to Die? He’s gonna kill the doc if he finds out!"

Kaoru stopped and looked at the number, checking again.

604

"This one right?" Yoshiki checked and the pink head nodded. They hesitated for a while, with no reason until they heard somebody running towards them. Kaoru turned and winced, "It’s the doc! Hey! If we make so much noise then maybe Shinya will be awake ne? he’ll sit up instantly, and-"

"No time for this Kaoru!!!" the guitarist fumed and banged the door opened. Yoshiki’s jaw dropped.

"Shinya!!!" the producer heard Kaoru yelled. Yoshiki bit his lip, looked left and right then entered the room, rather quietly. And he was greeted by a frozen looking Kaoru. Ah! He realized too somebody else was there!

"What the fuck is going on?!!!" came a hiss. Yoshiki shut his eyes as Die stared at him sharply, "What are you guys doing?! If you just want to visit, it’s okay! But you shouldn’t be making so much noise!!!" the red head stared at Yoshiki before rushing to the bed.

"Shinya…" he whispered. The drummer was still lying with eyes shut. Kaoru narrowed his eyes and Yoshiki, who noticed, grabbed the pink head’s arm, "No!"

"Ah! You’re here!" Die looked up and the doc was panting heavily. Yoshida-san looked pale, and nervous. He looked back to Shinya, who actually looked a bit paler than usual! But maybe he had another fever. Die reached out and touched Shinya’s forehead. No fever…

"Die-kun. I thought you’re having lunch!" the doc spoke. Die laughed nervously, "I’m not really hungry yet. But these guys! Even Yoshiki-san, why did you storm in like that?!" he demanded for an answer, but got none. Yoshiki looked at Kaoru, who looked back at him.

Yoshida-san closed the door and walked towards the bed. "Doctor, Shinya looks a bit pale" the doc nodded and everyone watched as he did a check on Shinya. "He’s fine. Nothing’s wrong with him. Maybe the weather" Yoshida glanced at the other two, "It’s kind of hot today!"

Yoshiki raised an eyebrow at the sarcasm.

"Okay, I think he should rest! Everyone, let’s get out of here. Go and have lunch!" the doc half pushed half dragged Die. He glared at Yoshiki who finally decided to pull Kaoru out the room. The doc closed the door quietly and smiled to Die, "So…come back later?"

Die shrugged and turned to Kaoru, "Come with me?" he tugged on Kaoru’s sleeve. The older guitarist sighed and nodded. Yoshiki watched as both guitarists walked away. And the next thing he knew was feeling himself being pulled and pushed hard against the wall.

"N-nani?"

"Nani---nani?!!! What do you think you’re doing?!!!" the doc hissed, "Are you insane to think that it’s okay for you to storm in just like that, and lecture that poor young man?!!! Do you know how he feels right now?!!!" Yoshiki’s eyes widened. ‘Do you know what had happened to him?!!!"

Yoshiki gulped, closed his eyes and shook his head.

"You’re lucky Die’s in there! Or else that young man might jump off this building! He’s humiliated enough by the incident and he doesn’t need you two to make him more ashamed of himself!!!" the doctor pushed him harder, "Do you get me?!" the feeling of that hard wall against his back didn’t hurt as much as the words Yoshida had just spat out.

He was right…again.

As always.

Yoshiki hung his head down, "I’m sorry…" he whispered. There was no voice coming out, … the doc let him free and tidied his white doctor jacket. "You should be!" the older man adjusted his glasses, "Now go!" he turned away but Yoshiki grabbed his arm. "No! let me see him! Please!"

Yoshida looked at him in disbelief.

"Please! You can leave him alone! Not talking to somebody…who actually…belongs to the group he avoids! And I’m close to him! I can help!!! Please…" Yoshiki pleaded. The doc shook his head.

"Come on! You can’t leave things like this forever! I know Shinya, and he’ll stay like this for a really long time!" he grabbed the doc’s other arm. "Please! That whole thing about needing time to think, it’s nonsense!!! Shinya doesn’t need time to do things!!!"

"Yoshida-san…" he shook the older man’s shoulders.

*

I love you…Shinya I love you…

Tears rolled down his cheek, and it hurt. It hurt even to cry. The cut wasn’t as deep as the wound in his heart, but it still hurt…very, very much. Especially when he cried, when his tears touched, swept the little cuts…the pain shot to his forehead and ran down his spine. It hurt like hell……

That’s life isn’t it? Life hurts…reality bites…

Where are you?

Shinya opened his eyes, and more tears rolled down his cheeks, he couldn’t care much anymore. Let it hurt…so he knew that it wasn’t a dream. It was real…and happening. The young man bit his lip, ah! That hurt too! Hurt like hell!!! Everything he did, every single thing…all wrong! No matter what, he could feel the pain…body and soul.

Shinya sobbed and his shoulders shook a little. That hurt too… not as much but it was still pain.

Die-kun…

"Shinya…"

Shinya tried to hold back gasp but it was too late. He already gasped, loudly…he moved his hand a little, covering his lips, trying so hard to ignore that soft voice calling out his name. The young man was so used to being called softly…Die did that. Kyo, Toshiya, everyone did that. They would call his name softly, hoping he would respond.

But he never did…until just now, somebody yelled out his name, Kaoru.

And now…Yoshiki-san already heard his sobs…

"Shinya…" the young drummer heard footsteps, so he quickly close his eyes but slowly placed his arms on his face; trying to wipe the tears away.

Yoshiki walked silently towards the bed. He knew he heard sobs…faint sobs but the room was quiet enough for him to notice. The producer approached the bed, and noticed Shinya had already changed his position. He was lying sideways, facing the window…

"Shinya…"

He walked around and saw Shinya’s face covered by his own arms. Yoshiki gently touched the young one’s shoulder. There was no respond. Shinya didn’t move a muscle. Then he bit his lip and tried to pull the frail arm away, gently. But he couldn’t. He tired again, but still the young one didn’t want him to.

"Shinya…this is Yoshiki" he tried and pulled Shinya’s right arm. He gasped as Shinya shook his head violently.

"No….don’t…don’t look at me…"

"Shinya…"

"Don’t touch me…’ Shinya whispered faintly.

"Shinya, it’s only me…:"

"No…please…leave me alone. Don’t…no…" he continued shaking his head and pressing his arms tightly against his face. It hurt….hurt like hell. But it would hurt more if Yoshiki saw his face, when he was aware of it. Yoshiki sighed and bent down, trying to soothe him.

"Shinya…please…I want to talk…"

"I don’t want to talk…"

Yoshiki bit his lip, "Then we don’t talk…I just don’t want you to be left alone! We know it’s not good for you eh? We’ve talked about it! Shinya…" he whispered.

"I won’t tell anyone…come on…" Yoshiki tried everything, and decided maybe it wouldn’t really harm Shinya to try again.

"Shinya…you don’t want this to go forever, do you?" Yoshiki touched Shinya’s arms again, and pulled on it gently. And slowly, the producer could see that face, that palely beautiful face…

"Shinya…"

The young man was crying, with tears rolling down his cheeks, and Yoshiki winced slightly. It must be really painful…really painful. But…

Shinya stared at him, wet reddish eyes and the way the stare went straight to his heart, Yoshiki felt something in there melt…

"Shinya…don’t cry…" the older one whispered, trying to be as gentle as possible while wiping those wet cheeks, "It’s okay, you’re not alone now. I’m here to help! Don’t cry…"

But Shinya didn’t stop. He never stop. Yoshiki sighed, and he could only spread his arms, embracing the shuddered body. Yoshiki closed his eyes, his right palm rubbed down Shinya’s back gently. Through the thin material, he could feel it…the little cuts, the spine…and the shaking…it wasn’t the first time he hugged Shinya, but it was the first time for him, to feel the young one’s body actually shaking this much! And being this weak…

"Shinya…"

There was no reply.

Shinya wept in his arms.

to be continued

*

 Send comments to Author

Fanfics Page

Main Page