***

Toshiya titled his head to the right a little, his eyes half closing. His red slightly puffy eyes…

"Toshiya…"

The bassist turned and smiled, smiled to the small guy in front of his eyes. Kyo sighed and placed himself beside Toshiya, on the grey tiles of the floor. The older man wrapped his arms around Toshiya’s shoulders caringly, "You okay?"

Toshiya nodded, "Hai…Toshiya is always okay…no matter how many problems he has, no matter how much tears he had cried out, he’ll always be fine in the end!!! The younger one replied lightly, slightly sarcastically. Kyo smiled back and held him tighter. Toshiya looked up at the sky, the night sky.

"What are you going to do?"

Toshiya sighed, "I don’t know…"

Kyo leaned on his arm, "Liar! I knew you made up some decisions!" Toshiya laughed hearing the funny tone in Kyo’s voice. Toshiya shook his head, "For the future…no…" he replied softly. Kyo smiled, "Toshiya, the fact that you’re in my apartment…" the younger one put a lip on the older one’s lips.

"I don’t wanna think about that part of the story…right now…somethings have to be done…" his eyes narrowed, "Some certain important things!"

Kyo raised an eyebrow, "Okay…then do it!" he gave Toshiya’s back a pat. The bassist smiled, then kissed Kyo’s cheek, "Ja!" he got up, walking away, into the apartment. "Where are you going?!" Kyo yelled from the balcony. Toshiya took his jacket and his cap, "Hospital"

"Eh?" Kyo ran in, "But I think Kaoru’s probably not there anymore! You should check his apartment! He must be waiting for you!"

Toshiya laughed, "Kyo…Kyo…I didn’t say anything about seeing Kaoru, did I?" he asked, in a funny tone. Kyo joined his eyebrows, "Nani? Then…? What are you doing in hospital?!"

Toshiya pouted and took Kyo’s car key, "Shinya…bye!"

Kyo watched as Toshiya walked across the living room, to the genkan. He rushed to the younger man, "Then…Kaoru?" he stared as Toshiya put his shoes on. The pretty man jerked his head up,

"Well, I don’t think I care, I don’t think I want to know…I don’t even think I want hear that name again!"

Toshiya smiled sweetly and blew a kiss before shutting the door behind him.

Kyo watched, with a really- really confused expression on his face.

What did Toshiya just said?!!!

*

Shinya turned over, as the doctor asked him to. The drummer stared as Yoshida-san wrote something on the notepad, then said something to the head nurse. The woman exited the room, and Shinya stared as the other man put the pen in his pocket. Shinya waited.

"Shinya-kun…I think it’s the time to talk about your leaving"

Shinya’s eyes widened.

"You’re getting better, and better. The wounds heal quickly, except the one on your back. The tiny cuts will go away, and the bruise on your face is getting better!" Shinya joined his eyebrows.

"You are allowed to leave in 2 days!" the doctor exclaimed happily, but there was no trace of happiness in the patient’s face. The older man sighed and sat on the chair, "What is going on here?" the drummer looked as if he was really upset.

"Most people want to leave hospital as soon as possible!"

Shinya wet his drying lips, "I don’t know what to do…"

The doctor smiled, got up and rubbed Shinya’s forehead gently, "Yes, you do. You got friends around you! you have caring parents, you’ll know what to do!"

Shinya shook his head, "Scared…" he whispered. The doctor stopped and started to brush Shinya’s hair gently, "No you’re not. I know you’re not! You’re brave enough…you’re tough! Thinking about the fear, which doesn’t exist, will actually make you believe it does!" he touched the tip of Shinya’s nose.

Shinya blinked, "I don’t know what to do…"

The doctor laughed and shook his head, "Yes you do! I know you do!" he removed his hands from Shinya’s forehead and walked away, "I hope you have a good night sleep okay? I'll be around if you need me! Oyasuminasai" he smiled warmly and shut the door.

Shinya stared at the white ceiling.

*

"Dare a?"

"…"

"Can you –please- don’t play with the phone? I’m really busy right now, and I don’t need you to bug me!!! so if you don’t have anything to say, bye!"

"Wait!!! Kyo!"

"Eh…? Kaoru?"

*

Toshiya knocked on the door, then opened it and his head popped out form the door. Shinya watched with wide eyes. There was no point hiding from everyone, anymore. Right? Somehow it felt…different looking at Toshiya. Maybe because Toshiya was more to effeminate side? So he wouldn’t push Shinya off the edge?

"Shin-kun…how are you?" Toshiya threw a sweet smile and closed the door softly. Shinya stared as Toshiya pulled the chair and sat beside the bed, looking at Shinya. The drummer stared back in confusion. Toshiya’s stare felt different! Toshiya’s stare told Shinya the older one didn’t know anything about what had happened for the past few days…

Toshiya placed his chin on the bed and started to play with Shinya’s hair.

"You’re so kirei na…" Toshiya mumbled. Shinya’s eyes widened.

"But your hair gets so dry now…I hope you do something about it! And you’re getting so thin!" he touched Shinya’s arm. Toshiya gave a pout, "You look like a stick! And you know what they say about it! It’s not attractive Shinya!" the bassist stared and stared at Shinya’s face.

Shinya turned away, blushing slightly.

"Don’t stare at me…"

"Eh? Why?" Toshiya exclaimed aloud. The drummer felt Toshiya’s hand holding his, "Ma, your fingers so thin too! Wonder how are you going to play drums with them! And you want to be like Yoshiki-san?" Toshiya giggled, "Can you imagine playing piano but then suddenly your finger bone breaks?"

Shinya pouted, "They don’t break!"

Toshiya smiled and stared at him again, "They will, if you don’t eat!" he giggled slightly but shut up in the end. He noticed Shinya’s confused face but ignored it. That was his purpose anyway. Toshiya played with Shinya’s hair lightly, smiling to himself.

"Shin-kun…do you remember, how we used to go out, and made fools of ourselves?" Shinya narrowed his eyes, "No! You made fool of yourself! I don’t! Never!" he pouted. Toshiya arched an eyebrow, "Eh? Who’s the one falling on a mannequin?" Shinya bit his lip, "But you forced me to wear that tiny cloth thing!"

Toshiya laughed, "I remembered pushing you to do things you DON’T want to do!"

Shinya gave a slow smile, "Silly Toshiya…"

"Eh, everyone called me silly Toshiya back then!" Toshiya pouted sexily, staring up at the ceiling. Then his lips parted, "Wah, Shin-kun. That ceiling looks so weird! So white! Don’t you feel bored staring at it? Eh! Imagine the doctor" Toshiya screwed up his face and stuck his tongue out, "He looks so scary in all white!!!"

Shinya giggled softly.

"Because you ARE silly, Toshiya never changes!" Shinya replied with a smile on his face, resting his head on the pillow. Toshiya pouted exaggeratedly, "That’s not true! I’m the smart Toshiya!" the bassist straightened his back, "Except those times when I spent all my money in one go!"

Shinya smiled funnily (I’m going to hang myself you guys don’t sense something weird happening here! –L7) as Toshiya glared at him, "But you’re just so lucky! You can spend as much money as you want to!"

"Iie! My mom hates it!" he tried to defend himself. Toshiya once again placed his chin on the bed, "Hm…I miss those times, going shopping with you, somebody with completely different taste!" Shinya smiled. "And I want us to do it again sometime! You know…" Toshiya grinned, "Spend all our money in a go! Nothing feels better than that!!!"

Shinya made no reply, he was busy playing with Toshiya’s long hair.

"Shinya…I also remember…that day. When we were in a café, dressing up as girls" Toshiya’s voice suddenly turned soft, tender yet cold. The drummer lifted his eyes up to face the other’s. Toshiya smiled sadly, "You were crying…yous aid Die didn’t love you anymore"

All the relax and bright mood in Shinya’s face disappeared.

"Shinya…remembering that, pains me so much! I guess I AM the silly Toshiya…" the older man looked down, not wanting Shinya to look into his eyes. "I actually taught you, word by word, sentence by sentence…" he suddenly jerked his head up and held Shinya’s hand tightly. The drummer quickly turned away.

"How to dump Die…" he laughed, humorlessly.

Shinya’s eyes narrowed.

"And now…seeing you…" he leaned closer, "All I want to do, is teach you again, word by word, sentence by sentence, how to get back together with Die!" it was the time to let Shinya see what he wanted. Toshiya reached out and turned Shinya’s head gently, "Shinya! you don’t know how much I regret it!"

"Shinya, I want you to get back with Die! Now!" Toshiya’s voice suddenly turned cold and distant and cruel. Shinya blinked in surprise, but then the bassist’s face softened.

"No…that’s what I was going to do! The silly Toshiya…" he shook his head slowly. Shinya stared at him, weirdly.

"Shin-kun. This time…I won’t be silly, I won’t push you, or teach you anything!" he smiled and gave Shinya’s hand a squeeze.

"I want you to do what you feel right!" Toshiya’s voice shook a little. Shinya leaned forward. The drummer looked so confused…he saw it. The sadness in the older one’s eyes.

"I want you to think about what has happened between you and Die, think about your relationship…your love…" Toshiya jerked his head up, as if keeping the tears back in his eyes, not wanting them to fall down. Shinya shook, he could feel it. The drummer bit his lip, staring at the bassist.

"Shinya…make a decision…not based on …how people might take it. Not caring about the others’ feeling!"

Shinya joined his eyebrows.

"Make a good decision, that feels right in your heart…You never fell so good before! Be selfish, be careless, don’t think of others! Think about yourself! What you really want…deep down there!"

In a second, Shinya thought Toshiya was going to burst out crying. But instead of tears, Toshiya gave him a sweet smile. A typical Toshiya’s smile, showing his crooked teeth. The drummer couldn’t help smiling a little. Anyone would smile back to that smile of his…

Toshiya placed his palm on Shinya’s chest, and felt the heart pounding fast.

"It has to feel right…here…" he whispered.

Mesmerized, Shinya forgot to blink. He was just too amazed! This …Toshiya? The man in front of him right now…Toshiya? The bassist pouted and pulled away. He released Shinya’s hand and stood up. "Guess it’s getting too late! I have to go!" Shinya gasped as Toshiya turned away.

"Wait!!!"

Shinya held Toshiya’s arm, with big eyes staring at the older man, "Toshiya…do you do that?" the bassist joined his eyebrows and turned back to face the drummer.

"Do you do things that feel right? Not caring what others might think, not caring what future may bring?"

Toshiya thought for a while, then smiled sadly.

"That’s what I do the whole time! I don’t care what people think, I don’t care how they might affect things in my life" Toshiya hung his head down, tilted it and stared at Shinya. His left palm brushed the cheek gently, "Shinya, we are different people. Things don’t go the same way for us. That’s why…from now on…I will do things carefully. I will think about the others" he looked at Shinya lovingly.

"Okay…I have to go…night Shin-chan…" Toshiya suddenly exclaimed and bent down, kissing Shinya’s cheek softly.

"Miss me…Oyasumi!" Totchi blew a kiss before closing the door softly.

Shinya stared at the door, startled. What was Toshiya trying to tell him? The drummer lay on the bed, closing his eyes. Wondering what had just happened was too unreal to be true!!!

*

"Nani?!"

Kaoru shrugged, throwing his cig away. Kyo’s mouth wide open in shock. "Ah…he seriously…said it?"

The pink head nodded, "Hai. To my surprise. I thought I was getting more violent replies…but then he was just so calm, no!" Kaoru narrowed his eyes, "Not calm, but NO expression at all! No reaction, no respond…" Kyo turned away as Kaoru took out a can of beer from the paper bag.

"Then he told me he didn’t care…anymore"

Kyo blinked slowly before slumping back to the hard surface of the car. It made such a loud noise that Kaoru protested, "Hey!!! Careful with my car!!!" the singer ignored. He blinked again and stared at the beautiful night sky. Silence filled the air, only the clicking sound Kaoru made could be heard.

"Will you give up…the way Die does it?"

Kaoru made no reply, merely took a long sip of the drink. But then he stuck his tongue out and threw the can on the ground. ‘it tastes suck!" the pink head wiped his hands on his jeans, also lying on the car, staring at the night sky.

"Toshiya…Toshiya…I chant"

Kyo laughed.

"I don’t know…Kyo, I don’t know"

Kyo turned to him, smiling, "What do you mean?"

Kaoru smiled to the night sky, "I mean…I’m confused…and I don’t care…ANYMORE"

Kyo shook his head and lay back to the previous position.

"In other words, Kyo. I give up! The way Die does it!"

Kaoru suddenly yelled and laughed, humorlessly. Kyo shut his eyes, not wanting to care about Kaoru, and Die and Toshiya and Shinya…

"Whatever Kaoru…whatever…"

*

to be continued

*

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