***

Kaoru stood up as he heard Toshiya walked out his bedroom. The younger man pouted, carrying the box and placed it on the dining table. It was funny wasn’t it? The man he loved, and he watched him packing his stuff! Was it how Die felt when Shinya walked off?

Toshiya took few things from the kitchen and put them into the box, as Kaoru walked closer, "There’re some things in the bathroom…" the bassist smiled, "Ah, I’ve got them!" Kaoru nodded and turned away, not wanting to watch. Toshiya arranged the stuff, making sure everything was in there. Then he jerked his head up, carrying the box when suddenly his eyes were greeted by Kaoru’s back.

The pretty bassist sighed, not wanting to look but he couldn’t stop his eyes gazing. Toshiya stood there, though for a while before putting the box quietly on the table. Then he approached the purple guitarist.

Kaoru gasped as a pair of long slender arms wrapped around his waist. Kaoru bit his lip, wondering what was happening. Was it Toshiya who hugged him? Or maybe he was hallucinating?! Slowly he calmed down little by little, and then he heard a faint mutter.

"Last hug…?" Toshiya shut his eyes, resting his head on Kaoru’s shoulder. He hugged the older man tightly, as if not wanting to let go. But he knew he had to! So just this once…his last hug. His nose inhaling the smell…that familiar smell of Kaoru, and Toshiya smiled sadly, remembering how he loved the smell, how he missed it…and how it made Toshiya realized he has fallen in love with Kaoru…

Yeah, that night when Toshiya thought Shinya was him, and he had unconsciously hugged the purple head, inhaling the nice smell, and …

Toshiya blinked, it was the past. No need to think about it anymore…it’s over. They’re over.

Kaoru felt the hug loosened so he turned around nervously, "Totchi…" he whispered, staring deeply into the other one’s eyes. His fingers brushed the fringe lightly. Toshiya looked at him with sadness in his eyes.

"I know I shouldn’t be saying sorry everytime I make mistakes and expect you to forgive me…" he held Toshiya’s hands, "But this time, I’m really really sorry" Toshiya casted down but Kaoru held his chin up, "Toshiya, I couldn’t choose. One part of me doesn’t want to be selfish. Another part of me wants you. But I can’t be selfish…I-" he stopped as the younger one covered his lips with a palm.

"I understand…I don’t blame you…" Toshiya smiled.

"But it’s painful right? Not getting any trust from me?" Kaoru smiled back, sadly. The bassist laughed, "I’m used to that…but I think" Toshiya played with Kaoru’s hands, "I think all we need is time!" the guitarist looked upset, but managed to smile. "Yeah. Time to think about our love and how could everything leads to fight!"

Toshiya laughed, "It’s still there…can’t you feel it?" Kaoru nodded. Then both men merely stared at each other with no words spoken. The younger one looked calm, as if determined but the older one looked like as if he was going to explode!

"Totchi…I vowed not to love you the way Die loves Shinya! But look at us now…" Kaoru’s eyelids shook a little. "I’m watching you packing and leave…that’s what Die did right? Watching Shinya left him"

Toshiya shook his head but Kaoru continued, "Die hurt him, he left. I hurt you, you left!" Toshiya shook his head strongly, holding Kaoru’s hands tight but the older man didn’t seem to care.

"Could you tell me why- and how does our love turn to be like the one they have?!" Kaoru greeted his teeth. "I’m not Die, and I can’t stand spying on you every single night! I can’t stand seeing you being hurt!" Toshiya held Kaoru’s shoulders, "Calm down! What are you trying to say?! Don’t get so weird, you’re scaring me!" he hissed worriedly.

"I’ve promised myself not to love you the way Die loved Shinya, and I’ve promised myself, not to hurt you! Ever!" Kaoru hissed back. "If Die hurt Shinya the way nobody, then I’ve hurt you, the same way!"

Toshiya thought he was going to cry, but he held back tears and tried his best to calm the older man down.

"I don’t blame you, we just need time. Coz we’re going to start fighting again, and again!" Toshiya cupped his face, "I love you…but-" Toshiya stopped, but he couldn’t be with Kaoru anymore. Could he? Toshiya looked into his eyes, searching for the answer there. But all he could see was the confusion he also had.

"Kaoru…please give me time…" Toshiya spoke, smiling solemnly. Who could resist that smile? Who could say no? Not Kaoru fro sure. The older man smiled back the same way. He took Toshiya’s hands and wrapped them with his. The pretty one sighed, knowing Kaoru had calmed down, Kaoru had understood how he felt and finally accepted his decision well.

"I’m sorry for being such a jerk last time in the hospital while you’re trying to talk to me, and when I unconsciously slapped you hard on your cheek…" he stroke Toshiya’s cheek lightly. "I didn’t mean what I’d said! I’m not strong and tough, I can’t see the one I love walk away just like that" Kaoru sighed, "But I’m coping with it!" the younger one smiled.

Kaoru held his face, then moved his hand touching the back of his neck. There was something in those eyes, and Toshiya wondered, "What?" Kaoru brushed the soft skin gently, "It feels like somebody else…My Toshiya …your hair cut really does something!"

Toshiya laughed, ruffling Kaoru’s hair, "Hm. Your purple hair too!" Kaoru chuckled and took both Toshiya’s hands, his fingers playing with the younger one’s. The guitarist looked thoughtful, hesitated then parted his lips.

"Promise me you come back?" Kaoru asked, in such a pleading tone. The younger one merely smiled, leaning forward. His arms slowly wrapped around Kaoru.

"Last kiss?"

Kaoru’s lids fluttered shut as Toshiya closed the distance between them. And the touch of those lips was just so amazing. And it made Kaoru wondered, how long hadn’t they kissed each other? The kiss felt so intimate yet at the same time, it felt distant. But Kaoru wasn’t going to let this chance slipped away from his fingers. He moved his arms, pulling Toshiya’s head closer, deepening his kiss. And both men hugged each other so tightly, as if not wanting to let go.

But they had to let go, so Toshiya pulled back and Kaoru’s eyes opened slowly.

Toshiya smiled, "I will see you around" Kaoru smiled back, "Yeah. Photo session, rehearsal, band outings, concerts…" he muttered and the younger one laughed.

"I'll see you tomorrow! We got a meeting!" he poked the tip of Kaoru’s nose. They smiled to each other, seeming glad for a while. Before everything turned gloomy again as Toshiya pulled his hands away. Kaoru’s expression turned serious as Toshiya backed away and walked towards the table, picking up the box.

Toshiya stood beside Kaoru, "Sayonara…"

Kaoru nodded, touching Toshiya’s arm for the last time. One last intimate touch. Toshiya pouted sexily, leaned forward and gave a peck on his cheek. Then he walked out slowly towards the exit. Kaoru watched blankly, brushing his hair then slowly he heard the door being closed.

Toshiya leaned on the closed door with eyes shut. He panted lightly trying to control his emotion. It wasn’t the right time to cry. He couldn’t cry. Toshiya couldn’t be a cry baby! He had to stop that habit! But how could he not cry right now? Last hug…last kiss…what was that about?!

*

Die walked into the room, closed the door while pressing some buttons of his phone. He looked up and saw Shinya, sitting on the bed. The red head sighed, such a beautiful vision! So angelic, and innocent…

Shinya had a book on his lap and was brushing his hair slowly. It had just been dried and the drummer was smiling slightly, remembering how Die complained about the hair drier, and how Shinya shouldn’t have used it so often. The soft way Shinya took care of his hair, the way his back straightened while sitting with a book on his lap, and the way the sun ray peered through the curtain…

Die sighed aloud this time…making Shinya gasped and jerked his head up. He looked at Die, blinked then looked back to his book.

"Shin-chan…turn the lights on! You can get worse eye sight!" Die walked towards him and turned the bed side lamp on. "Better ne…?" he sat on the bed beside the drummer and put down his phone, "What’s that book?" he looked with curiousity in his eyes. Shinya smiled, "The book Kyo gave me…" then Shinya giggled.

"Eh? Oh! What did Yoshiki give you?"

Shinya beamed, "It’s so sugoi! Everything belongs to him, well…his drums! He even offered one of his drumset but I think everything belongs to him, belong to him!" he looked at Die, "Don’t you think so?" the red head shrugged, "It’s up to him, but he sounds so vain to me…"

Shinya pouted, "Don’t say that! He’s the person I look up to" but then the drummer laughed, "Do you know Kyo gave me a book about drums?" Die raised an eyebrow, "Eh? That’s cool! Is this…?" he pointed and looked at it shortly, "Wakaranai…" Shinya smiled, "Do you know that Yoshiki-san signed the book?"

Die looked at him with wide eyes, "Nani?! God shin-chan…he’s so vain!" the older man shook his head in disbelief. His lover shrugged, "I don’t know, as long as I’m happy…" he held the book up and closed it. Die took the book and placed it on the bedside table.

"Dai…" the red head turned to him.

"I want jelly…" Shinya muttered. The red head blinked, "Hm? Jelly?" the drummer nodded, "Do you have…in the fridge?" Shinya leaned on Die’s arm and not purposely let the other man inhaled the scent of his hair. Die sighed, "Nai…" the drummer pouted, "But I want jelly, I feel like eating jelly…" he tugged on Die’s sleeve.

"Okay…I'll buy some downstairs" (from one of the shops –L7) he landed a loving kiss on Shinya’s head then got up, taking his wallet, his phone and held out his hand, "Come!"

Shinya looked at him confusedly, "Hm? Doko?"

Die laughed, "I thought you wanted jelly! Let’s go buy!" Shinya shook his head, "Can I stay here?" a pair of pleading eyes was what Shinya needed to melt Die’s heart. But the older man looked a bit worried. Leaving Shinya alone in the apartment? Didn’t sound like a good idea…but Shinya wanted to stay. And the doc told him to do what Shinya wanted. But leaving him alone wasn’t a good thing at all!

Die knelt on the bed, "Shin-chan…I want to be with you…" he took a deep breath near Shinya’s ear, "Come with me…onegai?" the drummer’s lower lip curled up but he stood up and opened the cupboard, "Let me get a jacket…I’m cold"

It hurt Die’s heart everytime Shinya said that.

"Shin-chan…just stay then. I'll be back in seconds okay?" he kissed Shinya’s forehead then walked out quickly and when he got outside Die rushed towards the lift. His right hand searched inside his pocket and took out his phone. Die looked at the screen, pressed some button then pressed ‘ok’ as his eyes caught ‘Yoshida’ on the screen.

*

Kyo coughed a little, stubbing his cig and swore as he missed the green light. He turned to his right, and Toshiya’s head leaned on the window. Kyo could see the reflection of his pretty face and the singer noted Toshiya didn’t seem happy, or having an expression at all.

"Ano…Totchi?"

There was no reply

"How’re you?" Toshiya turned his head and stared at the dashboard. He made no reply. Kyo sighed as the light turned green and he started to drive back to their apartment.

"Could he take it?" Kyo fumed as Toshiya proceeded keeping his lips pursed. "Look. I’m just trying to convince myself that you won’t regret it!"

After few seconds of silence, Kyo couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to talk to somebody, or else he would fall asleep!

"Where do you want to go?" Kyo pouted, didn’t really expect a reply. Toshiya jerked his head up, looking at the road.

"Kaoru’s place…" came a mumble.

Kyo blinked, "Nani?" he didn’t quite catch that but he was sure he actually did, just his brain refusing to believe what he had just heard. He stopped the car abruptly and gazed at the bassist, "Did you just say Kaoru’s place?"

Toshiya looked at him, "Hai"

"Why?" Kyo gasped in disbelief. Toshiya growled, ruffled his hair, "I don’t know!!!" he hissed and stared at his long legs. Kyo waited hiding a smile, but the younger man looked up quickly, "I’ve made up my mind! Kyo! Drive me back there!!!" now he sounded determined. The singer nodded, shrugged then started the engine.

"Ooo---kay…" Kyo made a wide turn that might cause him a big trouble but he didn’t care. Toshiya gave a loud exhale and brushed his messy hair, "Kyo…Kyo…I’m getting crazy!!!"

Kyo laughed

*

"What do you mean?" Die took out his purse with a hand while the other held his phone.

"The water washed his wound. It’s good since it might prevent infection as long as you use the cream I gave you!" Die nodded, "I did! He doesn’t really the smell of it" the red head pointed at some flavoured jelly and the shop owner took out a paper bag.

"It smells nothing Die-kun. But it’s okay…it’s meant to have no smell, or else it won’t work as medication cream ne?" the doctor replied, laughing a little. "But, doc! Shinya seems to be in total pain! What should I do about it? Everytime he has shower he’ll suffer it?" Die looked at the see through fridge and decided to buy a row of different flavoured jelly. He pointed at almost everything and the owner of the shop raised an eyebrow.

Now this gay wants so much jelly?! He thought but didn’t address it outloud. No, it’s not Die looking so much of a gay, but he had seen Die and his koibito before, and he knew the red head’s koibito loved jelly and the red head himself loved beer. And he also noted that they hadn’t been around for ages.

"The big bottle? You mean the after shower cream?" Die joined his eyebrows as he walked towards the shelves, "Oh, get it now!" he nodded while at the same time scooping the gummy bears (is that what you call it? I’m not really sure-L7) and put them into a plastic bag.

"Hai…he’s in the apartment…no, I’m in a shop buying him jelly!" Die pouted, "Ano, I know…but I can’t say no. Maybe he’s tired and wants to rest!" Die reasoned but the doctor told him that he shouldn’t have left Shinya alone in the apartment.

"Remember how he attacked a nurse?"

Die sighed, and hurried to the counter. "Okay, I’m rushing up now. Don’t make me feel so bad" he laughed nervously and paid for everything. The red head nodded to the shop owner and ran out the shop, heading towards the lift.

"I’m going up now…hai. I will. Sayonara" he smiled a little, hung up and stepped into the lift.

*

Toshiya licked his lower lip, standing in front of the apartment building. Kyo looked at him weirdly, "Totchi, how long are you going to stand here?" the younger one glared at him, "Shh! I’m going now!" he turned around and held Kyo’s shoulders, "Listen eh! If I don’t come out around…twenty minutes! Leave!"

Kyo’s jaw dropped, staring at him stupidly, "Nani?! That’s a quickie! You should’ve stayed longer, like…overnight! You got your stuff here anyway. Fifteen minutes aren’t enough, trust me!" Kyo smirk. Toshiya’s cheek flushed and he smack Kyo’s head.

"Hentai!!!"

"Eh?"

"I’m just going to talk to him! But just in case if…you know…" Toshiya grinned, bent down and kissed Kyo’s lips quickly, "Ja!" he ran to the building. Kyo looked at him stupidly but then decided to yell his name out. Toshiya turned back pouting, "What?!"

Kyo smiled widely, "You look like the Toshiya I knew…" he yelled. Toshiya blinked, surprised as Kyo continued, "I saw that glint in your eyes, Totchi…" Kyo ran towards him, "You’re the real Toshiya, Dir en Grey no Toshiya…" Toshiya thought for a while before smiling sweetly and blew him a kiss.

"Twenty minutes!"

Kyo laughed holding his stomach

*

Kaoru’s eyes shut as he jerked his head up. Toshiya’s taste was still in his mouth. He loved it, missed it, wanted it, needed it. The living room smelt so sad…so gloomy. But then Kaoru jumped as the door was slammed and he quickly stood up, realising the door wasn’t lock. It could be anyone. Anyone…like…

"Toshiya?!" Kaoru exclaimed in shock, glad, bliss surprise, every single emotion that were good. The younger man looked at him, smiling determinedly. He moved his arm, pointing at Kaoru.

"You!" Kaoru blinked as Toshiya approached him, "A DEAL is what I’m offering!" he spoke aloud, standing right in front of Kaoru. the older man looked startled, more like amazed. He looked into Toshiya’s eyes, and smiled. It was Toshiya. His Toshiya…Dir en grey no Toshiya…

Totchi…that glint, that glow in his eyes…

"I’m going to tell you something! And you better listen carefully because I’m only saying it once! And I’m going to ask you some questions, and you better listen carefully too, coz I’m going to ask them only once!" Toshiya held Kaoru’s shoulders tightly. The purple head’s eyes lit up. He nodded to the pretty one.

"I’m listening…carefully…"

Toshiya smiled.

"Do you love me?"

"I do"

"Do you really want me back?"

"I do"

"Do you know why I left?"

"I do"

"Do you know you did it?"

"I do"

"Do you want me back?"

"That’s the only thing I wish for"

Toshiya smiled to himself, his hold loosened and he sighed, looking down.

"Kaoru…" he lifted his eyes up, moving closer to the older man.

"I love you, very much" he began. Kaoru listened with intent as Toshiya continued, "The love is never gone" he brought Kaoru’s palm and placed it on his chest. "It’s in here, along with the pain" Kaoru narrowed his eyes slightly. "They will always be in here" Toshiya smiled sadly. "The love, and the pain" Kaoru nodded.

"In the future, what you want to do is up to you…whether you want to increase the pain, or keep the love warm in my heart…" Toshiya whispered in the end, "It’s really up to you…" he gazed into Kaoru’s eyes, wanting him to know what he meant. And he could see Kaoru understood, fully.

The purple head smiled.

"I love you Toshiya…" Kaoru spoke in a deep serious tone. His face showed calm and delight. He held Toshiya’s hands tightly. The bassist smiled, pulling himself away. But before he turned around, Toshiya leaned forward, giving Kaoru a kiss. The older man responded, hugging him tightly in his arms, deepening his kiss, trying to get the younger one’s taste as much as possible, as long as possible.

Toshiya gasped, managed to pull back. He panted and bit his lip, "So I guess…see you tomorrow Kaoru…" it was such a teasing voice. Kaoru laughed, shaking his head and looked upwards, "Heaven…" he muttered. Toshiya blew him a kiss and walked out the apartment, feeling content in his heart.

It felt right that way…it felt so right…

*

Shinya sat on the couch, alone. He wasn’t in the dark, and he didn’t really feel cold. But somehow, the place looked cold. And the drummer felt himself shivering. He hugged himself, drawn his legs and shrink. Curling up Shinya rolled his eyes around the apartment.

"Dai…?" he called out weakly. There was no reply. Where’s Die? Usually Die would hear even the faintest whisper he made. But now…where’s Die? How could he not be in his own apartment?

Shinya gasped, jumped as some strange sound could be heard. It was close to him, so he stood up, looking around. He noticed the thing on the table. The phone…it was ringing. Shinya approached it, staring weirdly at the black thing. It kept ringing and its sound echoed against the wall, feeling the whole room.

The drummer hesitated, merely staring at the phone. He wanted to touch it, he wanted to answer the phone. But Shinya feared, as if it could harm him! The young man took a deep breath, looked around then picked it up.

"Moshi-moshi…"

Shinya joined his eyebrows, "Sumimasen…who are you looking for?" it was obviously Die, doh! Shinya scolded himself. But there was no reply from the other side. Shinya joined his eyebrows, listening carefully. It wasn’t quiet at all. There were few noises as the background. And he could hear the breathing of a person. But there was no voice.

"Un…" came a sound and Shinya’s eyes widened.

"Hey, red head!" came a harsh voice. Shinya bit his lip lightly. Red head? Die?

"I’m wondering…wanna go out again?" the person was a man, with a really harsh voice. But maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was eating, like a person having sore throat. Didn’t sound like a normal voice to Shinya. The drummer stood quietly, "I’m sorry I’m not-"

"Come on! We had fun last time!" the man snickered. "Hn…" the person coughed and Shinya fumed instinctively, as if the man was coughing in front of him. "I- *cough* I think, we make a good couple! We can make a good team! What do you think eh?" Shinya was so much in confusion!

He never heard that voice before, he didn’t know what he was talking about!

"Shit!!! Police is here! Guess call you later ne…ja matta ne red head! And –oh! You got cute ass, care to show me one day?" the man snickered before hanging it up.

Shinya shivered, in surprise. What was he talking about?! He stared at the receiver as if he never seen such thing before. And he was so into it that Shinya didn’t notice the door being shut quietly and somebody walked towards him.

"Shin-chan…?"

Came a soft voice making Shinya gasped silently. The drummer turned his head and saw Die walking towards him.

"What’s going on? Who called?" Shinya looked back at Die, and blinked. The red head put the paper bag on the couch and took the receiver from Shinya. But there was no tone and no sound at all. So Die raised both eyebrows, looking at Shinya.

"Shin-chan?" he wrapped an arm around Shinya’s shoulder while placing the receiver back to its place. Die pulled Shinya close and kissed his forehead.

"What’s wrong?"

Shinya lifted his eyes up, "Dai…? I don’t know. Strange person…he’s asking about you" Die looked surprise, "Eh?" he felt the drummer’s arms slowly wrapped around his waist, "He thought I was you, and he sounded drunk, and he said something about the police…" Shinya stopped.

Police…?

Die started getting panic as Shinya’s body trembled. Police?

"I feel so cold…"

Die quickly hugged him tightly, "No, you’re not. I’m here Shin-chan…" he whispered near his lover’s ear and stroke the back very very gently. Shinya took a deep breath, inhaling Die’s scent. It felt so nice, so warm and protected. And he felt himself smiling shyly. Die, who noticed, teased him a little, until Shinya was completely redder than his hair!

"Who called? This is weird!" Die pouted while Shinya clutched on him, "Die, he said something about you being a good companion of his…and something about going out again with him!" the drummer replied reportedly. The older one looked astonished, "Nani?! Who on earth?"

Shinya eyed him curiously, "Dare?"

"I don’t know…no idea at all!" Die pouted more, staring at Shinya who giggled seeing his expression. Die laughed and reached out for the paper bag, "I’ve got surprise for you!" the drummer looked interested, trying to peer over Die’s shoulder but the red head teased him more and more. Shinya pouted and walked away, "Fine!"

"Hey! Shin-chan I was joking! Look!" Die handed him the bag and Shinya, still pouting too it form him. The red head hugged him from behind as Shinya opened it.

"Ah! My favourite!" he gasped, smiling widely, "But you bought too much!" Die grinned kissing his cheek lightly, "Just for you, Shin-chan…" he hugged Shinya tighter. The drummer turned around and wrapped arms around his waist, "Arigato…" and Shinya rested his head on Die’s chest.

Die waited for a while.

"Ai shiteru…Shin-chan…"

The red head shut his eyes, brushing his lover’s hair tenderly. As he had expected, he got no reply. But Shinya did hug him tighter. He did get a reaction…

I want him to tell me…I know I have to wait and I know he loves me too…but …I want him to tell me…

*

*

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