Heaven Cannot Wait

by Matrim

Part 3: Show Me the Meaning of Life (aka Guardian Angel Toshiya)

Monday, March 13 1:57 am

They were in the lift and Shinya was in the process of recieving a goodnight
kiss from Die. They decided to do it in the lift, since kissing so near to
Shinya's door would be too great of temptation. After all, Shinya didn't
live alone anymore--no. He had his "cousin" Manami to be considerate of.
But from the way that Die was kissing him, he wasn't so sure he could keep
the rules that he had just set. The lift got to his floor with a ding and
Shinya managed to break off the kiss. He stepped off the lift and pretended
not to hear Die's sigh of disappointment.
He had been staying over at Die's and this was the first time in two days
that he would be returning back to his apartment. Which means that he'd be
celibate for the next couple of days. He took a peek at the guitarist. It
was really a shame. Die looked very good tonight.
Shinya walked to his apartment with Die trailing behind and stopped in
front of the door. Die caught up to him and Shinya turned. "This is where
we part." Die gave him a mournful look and Shinya shook his head. "Oh,
Die." He said and kissed him again. He parted his lips slightly and Die
slid his tongue in gently. Shinya met it fearlessly and sighed as Die broke
it off this time.
"I have to say, you're not making this easy for me, Shin-chan."
"Gomen." Shinya said as he blushed and fidgeted with his keys.
"Can't you just break the rules for just one night?"
"No."
"Shin-chan--"
"No." Shinya said firmly. This wasn't as easy as he thought it'd be.
If only Manami wasn't staying over. . .He turned and unlocked his door. He
stepped in, looked at the couch near the TV and had to look again. The TV
cast a bluish glow on Manami, who sat on the couch asleep, her head resting
on the arm of the couch. Her other hand was entwined in Kyo's hair. He
rested his head on her lap and took up the rest of the couch. Well, he
thought, slightly irritated, if she can him over without asking me, then why
am I being so considerate? She didn't even ask me!! "Die!!" The door was
still open. Shinya ran to it and looked down the hall. His lover was
walking towards the lift slowly. "Die!!" He hissed.
The guitarist turned around then came running when he saw Shinya
beckoning. "Nani?" He asked, as he came closer. He came into the
apartment behind Shinya, who pointed to the couch. Die smiled, "Kawaii!!"
He was about to leave, but stopped when he noticed Shinya holding onto his
arm.
"Where are you going?"
"Home."
Shinya smiled slyly up at him, "Dooshite?"
"Because you said that I couldn't--" Die looked closely at him and gave
a soft laugh. He ran a finger lightly along Shinya's jawline, "Oh, I see."
With that, Shinya dragged an unprotesting Die into the bedroom and closed
the door. Manami and Kyo slept on, unaware of anything.

******
Six hours later

Die stared at Manami and Kyo, as Shinya placed breakfast down on the
table. Shinya followed his gaze and smiled, "They make quite a pair, ne?"
"I didn't think there was anyone other than Toshiya who could sleep like
Kyo." Die admitted. During the night, the two had shifted positions
somewhat so that Manami was no longer sitting but settled comfortably at
Kyo's side with her head on his chest. This time it was Kyo's hand in her
hair. "Maybe we should take a picture. I think he'll appreciate it. You
know--to cherish when Manami leaves?"
Shinya almost dropped his chopsticks, "Leave?"
Die turned to him, "Yeah. Didn't you say she was visiting?"
"Oh, yeah."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Shinya began to eat again. He had to get used to that idea.
He had to talk to her about that. Over the past two weeks, he had gotten a
little attached to the angel. Well, not as attached as Kyo.
There came a noise at the door, "You've got mail," Manami called out
wearily. Die did a double take.
"I thought she was asleep!"
"She is," Shinya said, as he stood up to go to the door, "Mostly."
He picked up the envelope, took out the message and read it under his
breath. "Shinya must make someone understand the value and meaning of life
by Friday, March 17, or he dies immediately at 11 am."
Shinya walked back to the table, but stopped by Kyo and Manami's couch
first. "Manami?"
"Nn?"
"What's the meaning of life?"
Die laughed, "Are you sure you should ask her philosophical questions
while she's asleep? You might get something else entirely."
"Sometimes, she wakes herself up to answer," he said absently. He looked
down again and Kyo had gathered Manami into an embrace. "Manami?"
"Nn?"
"Wake up. What's the meaning and--" He took a quick look at the
message, "and value of life?" He finished.
Manami opened on eye lazily, closed it then opened both eyes quickly.
She took a look at who was next to her and gasped. "Eew! Get off!" She
pushed Kyo awa, as Shinya and Die began laughing.
Kyo woke, saw who was next to him, and gasped, "Hentai!" He squirmed
away from her to the other end of the couch.
"You were the one who fell asleep on me!" She pointed out as she kept to
her end of the couch. "I'm sorry, Shin-chan. What was your question?" He
gave her the message and she read it quickly. "I can't tell you that. It's
against the rules."
"How is it against the rules?"
"Because I--I can't tell you that either, that's against the rules, too."
"What is that message about anyway?" Die asked, curiously.
Shinya and Manami looked at Die, then at each other and said, "Nothing."
Manami grabbed Shinya by the ear and frantically whispered into it, "Why is
he over here, anyway?"
"Because I was in the mood, okay? Besides, you're one to talk--what the
hell is doing here?"
"Until you buy me a car to drag him home, he's staying here!"
"Buy you a car? You sleep in my apartment, eat my food and use my money
and you have the nerve to ask for a car?" Shinya whispered, angrily back.
"I thought you were an angel! Why don't you just magic him home? Or are
you a fake angel?" Manami narrowed her eyes just as he looked at her left
arm (the one that held him by the ear). He grabbed it.
"Itai!"
"Hey! What's this?" Shinya asked. There was a white scar that ran from
her wrist halfway down to her elbow. He grabbed her other arm, which bore
the same mark. "Manami, did you try to slit your wrists? Angels aren't
supposed to have scars!"
Manami tore her arms away from him, "It's none of your business!"
Die stood and came over to the bickering "cousins". "Did you try to kill
yourself, Manami?"
Shinya turned around to look at Die, "Leave this to me. It's my
business." He gave Die a look and ignored the brief flash of pain that
crossed his face. "You're not real--you're just some kind of con that wants
to get close to me--"
"As if anyone would want to get close to an iceberg like you!" Manami
snapped. Kyo took her arm and examined the scar just before she jerked her
arm away. "Find out the meaning of life for yourself! And if you die on
Friday, good riddance!!"
She stood as Shinya snapped, "Abazureon'na!"
She left, slamming the door with a shout, "Jerk!!"

*******

Manami stalked down the street ignoring the comments of little kids as
she passed by. "She's scary!! I want my mommy!!"
Of all the stubborn quiet drummers in the world, I had to get him, Manami
sneered, inwardly. And he'd like to pretend he's polite and all that but he
deserves it if someone hurts him. He needs a good kick in the ass. She
grabbed her braid and tugged it--a bad habit of hers that she just hadn't
gotten rid of. Fake angel, huh?! I'd like to see him do this without my
help!

*******

Shinya sat at the restaurant table with the rest of the band, waiting for
lunch, with his chin on his arms. Toshiya looked at him worriedly, but
Shinya ignored him. He knew that the moment he looked at the bassist, he'd
have to explain everything.
Like why Kyo kept glaring at him and insulting him.
And why Die wouldn't speak to him or even sit next to him.
It wasn't his fault. It was hers. He couldn't just explain to Die that
his "cousin" really was an angel who had showed up in his kitchen one day
and demanded that he do these tasks or he'd die. He couldn't explain to Die
why she didn't look so angel like. And he couldn't explain how he was
getting those messages in the morning. He couldn't because he didn't know
himself! Die had accuse dhim of keeping secrets and Shinya had denied it,
of course, but when Die asked, "Then why won't you tell me?!!" Shinya
didn't know what to say and Die hadn't taken it too well. He had stormed
out of the apartment as well.
Actually, he didn't quite know what Kyo was angry about.
"Kaoru?" The guitarist perked up and the others tried to act like they
didn't hear him. This was the first thing he had said to anyone all day
after this morning's incidents. "Do you have any aspirin? My head hurts."
Kyo snorted, Toshiya gave him a sympathetic smile, Die sighed and looked
disgustedly away and Kaoru shook his head. "Gomenasai, Shin-chan. I don't
have any." Shinya buried his face into his arms. It was going to be a long
week.

*******

Manami didn't come home that night. Die didn't call to take him out that
night like he usually die, either. Shinya finished his dinner and stared at
the phone, hoping that someone would call but no one did. He took a bath,
all the while repeating to himself that he didn't care.
But when he pulled the blanket over his head that night to sleep, his
world seemed empty, lonely and cold.

*******

Tuesday

Shinya sat behind the drums and Toshiya was staring at him again. The
drummer didn't look so good. He looked very tired and slightly sad. I wish
I knew the reason, Toshiya thought to himself. he didn't like seeing anyone
look miserable, especially one of his friends. That must've been some
fight, he thought, looking at Die then at Shinya. The guitarist was totally
ignoring him. Toshiya turned when he saw the drummer's eyes flick towards
him. He pretended to tune his bass. They usually fight, but never like
this. It's usually Shinya doing the fighting and Die doing the teasing and
laughing. But this time--
Toshiya turned again and saw Kyo glaring at Shinya.
This time, it's two against one. And it's Kyo not Kaoru. What
happened? Toshiya put down his bass. Kaoru frowned at him, "Hey, did I say
to take a break?"
Toshiya put a hand on his hip, looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
Kaoru met his gaze with a stern look. They had a staring contest for 20
seconds.
Toshiya won.
"Okay." Kaoru said, with a slight uncomfortable laugh. "I'll take that
as a hint. We're going on break."
Toshiya strode over to Shinya's drumset, grabbed the drummer's hand and
dragged him into the hall away from the others. "We need to talk," he said.
When he was sure that no one was listening, Toshiya went on, "What
happened between you, Die and Kyo?"
Shinya looked hesitant for a moment then asked, "Toshiya, can you keep a
secret?"
"Dooshite?"
"It's just--it's very important! Tell me! Can you keep a secret?" He
asked again.
Toshiya nibbled on his nail for a second then nodded. Shinya looked
around and pulled the bassist into the rest area then closed the door behind
him. "What's up?"
"It's about Manami."
"And--"
Shinya looked at him closely, "Promise you won't think I'm nuts?"
Toshiya nodded, wondering what the secret was. "Say it."
Toshiya rolled his eyes but did it anyway, "I promise I won't think that
you're nuts."
"Okay. Manami isn't my cousin."
"Nani?"
"She's an angel. My guardian angel and she says that I have to prove the
worthiness of my life by doing seven tasks by a certain day and time or I'll
die." Shinya blurted out.
Toshiya stared at him. "Please tell me that you're kidding. Or that
you're just trying to avoid the subject of you and Die's fight. I really
don't want to have to break the promise of me not thinking you're nuts."
Shinya sighed, "Does it look like I'm kidding? Can I finish?"
"Yeah. . .I guess."
"The way I find out about these tasks is that I get something in the
mail--usually on a Monday, in the morning. But this time, Die was over
and--well--I couldn't tell him about the angel thing--or he'd have sent me
to a mental hospital for my health. So, he thinks I'm keeping secrets from
him."
Toshiya took a deep breath, "I'm thinking that you're not lying so I'm
going to be supportive here. But, Shin-chan, you are keeping a secret from
him. A pretty big one."
"I don't want him to keep saving me every time I almost die."
"From what I've seen so far, he's the only one who keeps saving you every
time you almost die. Well, that explains the unfortunate almost accidents
happening to you. Uh--so what was the task this time?" Toshiya asked and
Shinya dug in his pocket. He handed the message over to him and Toshiya
took it.
He read it. "Oh. . .that's--that's hard. You might die on this one.
Where's Manami?"
Shinya looked away, "I think I made her mad and she hadn't come home
since. And I need her to help me."
"Since she's not here, you're going to have to accept my help."
"Nani?" Shinya looked at him confused.
"Oh, c'mon. How hard it it to be your guardian angel. You hardly get
into trouble!"
Shinya looked at him doubtfully, "Okay." Then he looked down shyly,
"Thanks, Toshiya."
"Don't worry about it. Thanks for opening up a little." He smiled and
the drummer blushed, "And I think I know what Kyo's mad about."
"Do you?"
"You called his human teddy bear a bitch. Not nice, Shinya."

*******

Die flicked the cigarette onto the ground angrily. Oh, that was just
great. Shinya could tell secrets to Toshiya but not to him. "What am I
anyway, your little fuck toy?" He asked no one in particular. Kaoru and
Kyo had the good sense not to answer him. He ground the cigarette underfoot
and kicked it. "You don't love me. Manami was right, who'd want to get
close to an iceberg like you?" He brushed a tear angrily away and went back
to practice when he heard Kaoru call him.

*******

Manami stood hidden the shadows and felt like crying when she heard what
Die had said. She wanted to run out and scream at him, "That's not true!
He loves you! He waited all night for a phone call from you! He cried
himself to sleep because of you! He almost died because of you! How dare
you think of yourself as only that?" But she had kept her silence. She had
kept hidden. Shinya had to do this by himself. But she didn't have to like
it.

******

Friday 7:00 am

Shinya answered the door and wasn't surprised to see Toshiya there.
"Hurry and get dressed. We still have to find someone to explain the
meaning of life to." They had done this for the past few days. Toshiya
would show up early on his doorstep and the two would go looking for someone
to explain the meaning of life to, right before practice. And afterwards,
they'd meet up again, and search for someone at night. By now, Kaoru was
starting to look at him funny. Shit, he thought as he got dressed and
headed out the door. I should've never told Toshiya anything. "Shin-chan,
since this could possibly be one of the last days of your life--I was
considering skipping practice."
"Nani?" Shinya stopped in startlement but remembered to keep walking
when the bassist didn't stop with him. "But what about Kaoru, Die, and Kyo?
They'll be pretty mad."
"Yeah. . .but this might be your last day!! What if you don't make it
because you were stuck in practice?"
"Yeah but what if I do because I was stuck in practice?"
"Shin-chan, I don't think any of us need to know the meaning of life."
"Meaning and value of life. And I do. That's why I have to tell someone
about it."
"But it's not us--"
"No, it's not you guys. If it were, I would've done so already."
"That's why we have skip practice, Shin-chan."
"I hope they're not entirely too pissed."
"Mm."

******

The phone rang.
Kyo picked it up. "Moshi moshi?"
"Practice is off."
"Nani? Kaoru, you're serious?"
"Yes."
"Dooshite?"
"Because I can't find Toshiya and no one on earth knows where Shinya is."

********

"This isn't going to work," Shinya said wearily, as Toshiya dragged him
through a department store. "We've been searching all day."
"Hush, you're going to live or I'm gonna--"
"Go ahead, do your worse--I'm gonna die anyway." Shinya sniffed, trying
to pull his hand out of Toshiya's grip. "It couldn't possibly make a
difference! Oh, we should've gone to practice, Toshiya! I would've been
able to see Die one last time! Kiss him one last time. . .feel his arms
around me--"
Toshiya rolled his eyes. "Stop thinking about dying! Can't you live for
Die?"
"Hm?"
"Do you love him enough to die for him?" Toshiya asked, patiently. (Ne,
Totchi, you sure you're not an angel in disguise?)
"Yes."
"Well, is it safe to say that you love him enough to live for him?"
Shinya stared at him.
"Yes."
"Then live dammit!" They stopped in front of the elevator.
"Ne, Totchi, you sure you're not an angel in disguise, too?" Shinya
asked. (Matrim fumes: I just asked that!) "Manami says wise stuff like
that whenever I feel down."
Toshiya smiled at the compliment. "I am your substitute angel, aren't I?
C'mon, let's at least have lunch. It might be your--"
The elevator opened and a janitor ran shouting, "There's a girl on the
roof she's about to jump!! Hurry! Get help!" He yelled at a sales clerk,
who hurriedly grabbed the phone.
Toshiya turned to Shinya. "Here's your chance."

*******

Toshiya and Shinya threw open the door. The elevator didn't exactly lead
to the roof of the department store. They had to take the stairs to get
there. Their breaths came out in misty gasps as Shinya saw the girl and
began to walk toward her. Toshiya followed behind him like a shadow. The
girl stood at the edge of the roof, the wind ruffling her pink dress and
golden hair. She looked oddly familiar to Shinya as he came closer. She
turned as if to make sure no one was around then glared when she saw Shinya
and Toshiya.
"Don't come any closer," said a male voice. Shinya's eyes widened. No
male would wear a dress like that unless he was a J-rocker. The man went
on, "I'm going to jump."
Shinya turned to Toshiya, "It's better if one goes."
"I'll stay here." Toshiya said. "It's what Manami does, isn't it?"
"Basically." Shinya said and began walking forward again.
The young man saw this and began trembling. "Stop it! Do you want a
life on your hands?! I will jump!"
Shinya stopped again. "Dooshite?"
"None of your business--you couldn't possibly know what I go through!!"
"Emiru, right?" The man froze and Shinya gave him a shy smile, "From
Lareine?"
"What do you want? Just because you sort of know me doesn't mean I won't
change my mind."
Shinya managed to move closer without Emiru knowing it. "That's a pretty
long drop."
"Stop trying to distract me!" Shinya turned around and hopelessly looked
at Toshiya. He shrugged and gestured Shinya on.
"If you die, there's a lot of people who'll miss you," Shinya ventured
and edged forward slowly. Emiru was looking down then glanced back at
Shinya with suspicion. Shinya leaned against the concrete wall of the roof.
"Do you really want to have your last moment to be here?"
"What are you talking about? Leave me alone!"
"You can't die!"
"Why not?! No one cares about me! Especially not. . ." Emiru sobbed and
put his hands to his eyes. He shook himself then stood tall, "I don't care.
This is the only way."
"Do you really want to be known as Emiru, the guy from Lareine, who
jumped off the roof?" Shinya asked, staring at the ground. That's quite a
drop, he repeated to himself. "No one's going to want to shop here for a
long time. . ."
Emiru glared at him, "Is that all you can think of? Is that you care
about? People not wanting to shop here?"
"No. Do you want to tell me more?"
He looked at Shinya hesitantly. "I should stop talking to you. I should
die."
"It's not the only thing I care about. I care about someone else very
much." Shinya said, trying to sound like he wasn't about to snatch the man
off the roof. He edged to his right to get closer to Emiru.

******

The phone rang.
Die picked it up, "Moshi moshi?"
"Die, you wouldn't believe it! Shinya's on the news with Emiru from
Lareine! They're both on the roof, Emiru's about to jump! I think that
Shinya's trying to talk him out of it!!" Die ran to the living room and
turned on the TV. Kyo shouted into the phone, "Are you watching?"
"Yeah."
Thanks to the benefit of TV, he could hear everything they were saying.

*****

"What's her name?" Emiru asked, suddenly.
Shinya blushed. "Well, um--his name is Die." Emiru said nothing. He
inched a little more over to the other man. "Actually, I was supposed to be
at practice today with Toshiya. I was supposed to see him today, but I
didn't go."
"You ended up here? Dooshite?"
"I--for the meaning of life. For my life."
Emiru stared at him. "You weren't going to commit suicide, were you?"
"No. Not really. Toshiya over there. He's been like a guardian angel
to me for the past week," Shinya waved in the general direction of the
bassist and went on, "He talked me out of it. He asked if I were willing to
die for him. I said yes."
Emiru smiled suddenly. "That sounds familiar. I wanted to die for Mayu,
you know that? But he's so--distant. He doesn't want me." Emiru sighed,
sadly. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"
"Oh, and Toshiya then said if I could die for him, wouldn't it be safe to
say that I love him enough to live for him? I found out that that was true,
too." Shinya climbed onto the concrete wall next to Emiru, who stared at
him. "But he hasn't spoken to me since this Monday and I don't know if he
still feels the same as he did two weeks ago. And I don't care because I
still love him."
"Matte! Nani o suru?" Emiru said, with a panicked tone.
"Did you tell him?" Shinya asked, trying to ignore the drop below.
"Yes, but he hasn't said anything. I can feel him looking at me but he
never speaks to me. And there's no one I want other than him. I thought
that. . .but maybe I'm too ugly. He's always been so pretty that maybe--"
"You shouldn't say that. Maybe he's shy. And I don't think you're ugly.
You're very cute."
Emiru gave him a sad hopeful smile, "You really think so?"
"Me and hundreds of other fans."
Emiru turned, "You're really sweet. I never got your name, either.
It's--it's--You're Shinya, aren't you? From Dir en Grey?" Shinya nodded.
"You're pretty, too. I--" He stepped forward towards Shinya and gasped.
Emiru slipped and began to fall. Shinya let out a shout and reached for
Emiru's hand, afraid that it was too late, just as he realized that he was
falling over as well. He opened his eyes when he saw that his left hand
still held on to the edge of the wall.
A sudden weight at the end of his right hand surprised him, Emiru stared
up at him with frightened hopeful eyes, his knuckles white from holding on
so tight. "Hold on, Emiru-san."
"I don't want to die, anymore, Shinya! I don't!"
"That's good."
"Shinya, do you know what the meaning of life is?" Shinya felt like he
was slipping. He tried not to alert Emiru of this.
"To live?"
"Do you know what the value of life is?"
Shinya thought slowly as he began to pull the other man slowly up without
trying to lose too much of his limited grip, "Only as much as the love a
person recieves. And in my case, it's priceless." He said, remembering Die
saving him. He clenched his jaw as his left hand lost it's grip but
someone's else's hands held it now. Toshiya and a few policemen helped him
pull Shinya then helped pull up Emiru. They fell back and Emiru landed on
Shinya.
"Ne, Shinya-san, you sure you're not an angel in disguise, too?" Emiru
asked. He kissed him on the cheek despite all the witnesses, "I hope your
Die-kun forgives you. You are priceless."
Shinya blushed and Toshiya smiled at him. "What does Manami do now?"
"She usually says cut."
Toshiya stared at his watch. "CUT!" he said and Shinya jerked up his
head in surprise at another voice who said it. Toshiya smiled at Manami who
held Puppy.
"And you had 7 seconds. Here was the person who was really worried."
Manami let the dog go and he ran to Shinya.
"Puppy!!" Shinya hugged his precious pet and started to hug him.
Manami smiled, "I believe you owe me an apology?"
"What for? Toshiya was here for me all the time!!"
"And who do you think helped him?"
Toshiya smiled. Shinya stared at him with disbelief, "Don't tell me
you--you--"
"Not entirely, but she did help a lot." Toshiya said. "It's very
frustrating being your guardian angel." Shinya stuck his tongue out at
them. "No wonder Die loves you!" Shinya gasped and glared at Toshiya who
only laughed.
"We don't need them, do we, Puppy? We can do fine just by ourselves
without any help from these fake angels!"
Manami and Toshiya fumed. "Ungrateful--" Toshiya began.
"Jerk." Manami finished.

End of Part 1

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