Tears

" Do you think he’s happy now?"

Toshi, as if, suddenly being awaken, jerked his head upwards. The bright sun made the cemetery seem bright even through his sunglasses.

" Maybe…" he answered his ex-bandmate’s question, raising the sunglasses higher up his nose. He sighed as he gazed down at the bouquet of flowers he brought; white daisies. Next to it was long stalks of light pink roses wrapped in white paper.

" You think he left because he wanted to be happy?"

" I don’t know."

" Was he really that unhappy with his life?"

Toshi frowned. "Damn, Yoshiki! I don’t know! Why do you always bring this up?!" he snapped at the man.

Yoshiki kept quiet, hiding behind his own sunglasses; hiding his tears behind the black screen.

" I…sorry. I didn’t mean to get angry. I’m sad too but Hide has been gone so long, we have to go on living," he said, patting Yoshiki’s shoulder.

" Only two years! That’s not long! Not enough for me to forget!"

" Yoshiki, things doesn’t always happen the way you want it to. Prolonging your mourning isn’t going to help anybody…"

" No…but life isn’t the same anymore, without him…I loved him then, I still love him now and I know I always will," Yoshiki said, squatting down to touch the tombstone. It was a gentle caress on the marble, as if he was touching the real person.

" Yes, I know…I understand," Toshi said.

Yoshiki removed his sunglasses, holding them in his hand. " No, you’ll never understand." Smiling sadly, he turned to look up at his long-time friend. " You never loved him the way I did."

" I suppose…you two had always been close…" Toshi frowned. " It’s like a piece of your life has been taken away ne?"

Yoshiki nodded, rising to stand again. Putting back his sunglasses, he sighed deeply. " I miss him now…I wonder if this feeling would fade with time?"

" Like the song you wrote?" Toshi snorted.

" What did I write?"

Toshi smiled, brushing his hair back with a hand.

Sands of time will keep your memory…

Toshi sang back the lyrics.

Love everlasting fades away…Alive within your beatless heart…

Yoshiki sang softly, smiling at the memories of X-Japan. " You still remember?"

Toshi laughed. "Remember how you made me memorise those lines in English?! How in the world am I suppose to forget?"

" Yeah, that worked ne?"

" You and your English lyrics! I spent ages trying to pronounce each word correctly!" Toshi shook his head.

" Hey, my English lyrics made us to the top, right? What’s the problem?"

" That’s true. But you didn’t have to sing it. You didn’t have to sing those sappy sadistic songs that you wrote so you’ll never know how I felt!"

Yoshiki stuck his tongue out at Toshi. " Whatever."

" You still write? Songs, I mean," Toshi arched his brows.

" Write? Very seldom. I don’t have anybody to sing them for me now," the other man said, flicking his fringe away from his eyes as the breeze suddenly pick up.

Toshi found himself staring at the drummer, wanting to reach out and wipe the sadness away from his face; wanted to see him smile with the life that once caught his heart. But he couldn’t. Not here, not now…maybe never.

" I have to catch a flight at 3. Tell you what…" Toshi dug into his pocket. "Here’s my number. Call me anytime you’re free ne?"

Yoshiki took a look at the white rectangular paper for a moment before taking it. " Sure, I’ll do that. You’re going off now?"

" Yeah, tight schedule." Toshi winced.

" Okay then. Bye!"

" See you. Take care okay?"

Yoshiki nodded and waved as Toshi walked off.

As he approached his car, he thought back at their conversation.

I understand how you feel, Yoshiki.

I hear your voice every night, repeating those lines in my head until they were permanently imprinted in my mind right before a live.

I see your face every time I see walk pass a music shop and I see X-Japan on CD covers. I long for your touch every moment and I would wonder how it would be like if it was me you love instead of Hide.

I understand exactly…knowing that you had died together with Hide on that day you saw his serene face resting in the coffin.

And I know that feeling of hurt, knowing that you will never call the number on my name card.

But I understand…

I understand only too much…

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