My Hard Taskmaster
~Kaoru x Toshiya~ ~Die x Shinya~ ~Kyo~

by Zephyr


‘Toshiya!’
Every member halted playing their parts and turned
towards Kaoru. His usually severe expression was laced
with anger, rage even and it was a frightening
combination.
‘That was the third note that you’ve played out of
tune!’ Everyone cowered slightly at the force of
Kaoru’s voice especially Toshiya. Nobody knew Kaoru
had such a loud voice until then. Even Kyo, the band’s
vocalist had to concede graciously.
‘You’d better buck up before I kick you out of here
for good.’
When nobody dared to even utter a word, Kaoru said,
‘Ok, guys, practice ends here.’
Everyone acted as if they were running away from a
real live erupting volcano which Kaoru surely did
resembled at that moment. When Toshiya tried to get
out of the door, Kaoru stopped him.
‘Who said that you are allowed to go? Stay back and
practise. I wanna listen to you play your part again.
Until you get it perfect, you’re not going home.’
The rest of the members scurried away, afraid of
getting tangled up with an enraged Kaoru.
Toshiya went back to his position and quietly
strapped on his bass.
‘Play the opening part.’ Kaoru sat across from
Toshiya on the sofa and crossed his legs at the knees,
assuming a stance of deep concentration.
Toshiya obeyed and played the chords as perfectly as
he could, desperate to please Kaoru.
‘No, again! You went a little off on the second last
note.’
Toshiya played the same chords again, concentrating
on getting the second last note correct.
‘Wrong again! For heaven’s sake, Toshiya! You’re just
a bass player! Your parts are supposed to be easier
than Kyo’s, than Die’s, than Shinya’s. I believe that
you can play better than that! Please don’t let me
think that I’ve chosen the wrong bassist for Dir En
Grey! I wanna hear the first part again.’
It hurt. Kaoru’s words hurt deeply. His assaults had
been incessant and Toshiya felt like crying but he
wouldn’t for the world cry in front of Kaoru.
Toshiya had always felt slightly inferior in Dir En
Grey. Compared to the rest of the members, he could
feel that his skills are undoubtedly lower than
theirs, especially Kaoru’s.
Toshiya played his parts again and again and again
until it pleased Kaoru. But Kaoru wasn’t an easy
person to please. After the first bar, it was the
second, then the third, then the fourth…every single
bar was repeated so many times that Toshiya already
had them ingrained in his head. He probably wouldn’t
need the score sheets anymore.
When the sky had darkened, Toshiya’s arms began to
ache. He had been practicing for 5 hours non-stop!
‘Kaoru, my arms hurt.’ Toshiya tried to get a little
sympathy from Kaoru.
‘So?’ Kaoru’s tone as indifferent as ever.
‘Can we stop for a while?’ Toshiya asked hopefully.
Kaoru just shook his head and indicated for Toshiya
to go on.
‘Bar 26 please. Chords in G sharp minor.’
‘But it’s dinner time now!’ Toshiya protested.
‘I am not hungry so you shouldn’t be. Go on.’
Toshiya tried to hide his sigh as he resumed playing.
He probably won’t be able to lift up even an arm
tomorrow. He wondered how long he could go on playing…
When Toshiya had finished every bar to Kaoru’s
satisfaction, he collapsed onto the sofa and passed
out, too tired to care if it wasn’t his own bed.


‘Toshiya.’
‘Kaoru? I’m tired. Let me sleep some more…’ Toshiya
mumbled with his eyes still closed.
‘Toshiya, it’s morning. Wake up!’
When Toshiya didn’t move, Kaoru nudged him a little.
‘If you don't wake up, I won’t be able to get up.’
Toshiya lifted his head and sat up, rubbing his
sleep-filled eyes.
‘What? It’s already morning? So soon?’
When Toshiya caught sight of Kaoru beside him, he
realised with a start that he had fell asleep on
Kaoru’s lap. Hot colour crept up on his face.
Kaoru got up and flexed his muscles.
‘God, I’m all stiff! No thanks to you!’
Although Kaoru didn’t sound particularly angry,
Toshiya’s heart jumped erratically.
‘I’m sorry, Kaoru. I…ah…didn’t mean to do that
deliberately.’
Toshiya bowed his head and just then, the door opened
and each of the Dir En Grey’s members came in one by
one. They noted that Kaoru’s and Toshiya’s clothes
were the same that they wore the day before and they
looked among themselves questioningly.
Kyo, being the more out-spoken among them, asked the
question on their minds.
‘You guys slept here yesterday? Together?’
Almost as a reflex action, both Die and Shinya went
forward to cover Kyo’s mouth. Toshiya was blushing
away madly on the sofa. He looked almost pretty but it
was all wasted as Kaoru never seemed to notice it.
‘Kyo didn’t mean what he implied just now.’ They both
tried to amend Kyo’s blunder.
Kaoru decided to ignore them. Instead, he said,
"Practice is off today."
‘Huh? Why?’ All three members spoke almost
unanimously.
‘Can’t you see? Toshiya is too tired to play today.’
Kaoru beckoned to Toshiya, ‘Come on, I’ll drive you
home.’ His tone had softened considerably from
yesterday’s and the other members darted glances
between Kaoru and Toshiya, wondering what had actually
transpired between them yesterday.
‘You can sleep all you want when you reach home.’
Kaoru went forward and took Toshiya’s hand, leading
the crimson-faced but half-awake bassist to his car in
the parking lot.


‘Did you guys see that?’ Kyo was the first to spoke,
breaking the silence. The other two members just
nodded their heads.
‘What went into Kaoru? I thought he could barely
tolerate Toshiya’s guts!’ Die couldn’t help voicing
out his opinions.
‘Yeah. But it’s also a known fact that Toshiya has
harboured a secret fascination for Kaoru. Only thing
Kaoru doesn’t know about that.’ Shinya offered. Being
Toshiya’s best friend, he could safely confirm the
above statement.
‘That was why I was slightly worried about Toshiya
yesterday. My god, Kaoru’s words must have cut deep.
Imagine someone that you like yelling at you and
saying that you’re not up to par!’ Die shuddered at
the thought of that and leaned towards Shinya. ‘You
won’t ever do that to me, will you?’
‘I would too if you keep on acting like that!’ Shinya
retorted hitting Die playfully on the arm. ‘Besides,
don’t you think that there wasn’t anything wrong with
Toshiya’s part?’
‘Mmm…’ Die was busy nuzzling Shinya’s neck.
Shinya pushed Die away gently, ‘Die-chan…not in front
of Kyo!’


Kaoru looked at the figure slumped on the passenger’s
seat. Obviously, he had driven Toshiya too far
yesterday. Seeing Toshiya’s head resting on his lap
this morning had brought forth a surge of tender
feelings but it was quickly tamped down. He mustn’t
allow himself to show any feelings for Toshiya. He
brushed aside a tendril of hair, revelling in its
silkiness. It was these stolen moments which kept
Kaoru going. On the outside, Kaoru was cool but deep
down, he was just a pathetic being who wanted Toshiya
to love him and vice versa…but couldn’t.
‘You’re better off without me, Toshiya. Forget me and
move on…’ Kaoru silently pleaded with the sleeping
bassist.
‘Toshiya, we’ve reached your aparto. Wake up!’
Kaoru’s tone was endearingly soft.
Toshiya didn’t even stir. Sighing loudly, Kaoru
started his car again and headed toward his own
apartment. He wondered if it was the right move.
Kaoru managed the bassist’s light form easily. He
placed Toshiya gently on one side of the bed before
climbing in on the other side. For the first time in a
very long time, Kaoru slept soundly.


Toshiya blinked his eyes open and stared at the
ceiling in front of him. He looked around at the
disorientating transformation of his room when he
spotted Kaoru beside him, breathing rhythmically in
his sleep. It finally dawned on his fuzzy brain that
he was in Kaoru’s bedroom. He had a vague recollection
of someone carrying him somewhere.
‘Kaoru’s bedroom!’ Toshiya’s eyes snapped open and
with awe and wonder, he drank in the outline of
Kaoru’s sleeping form. The bassist thought that Kaoru
looked handsome and cool even in his sleep and very
sexy in a tousled kind of way.
Without thinking about what he was doing, Toshiya
bent his head down to kiss Kaoru. His lips hovered
uncertainly above Kaoru’s before deciding against it.
Besides, he wasn’t even sure if Kaoru was still mad at
him. He got up from the bed and wandered aimlessly
around the room, his mind still on those seductive
lips. He looked at Kaoru’s belongings but daren’t
touch them. Somehow, Toshiya always felt inadequate
around Kaoru. The guitarist seemed so much more
talented and serious with substance whereas Toshiya
was more like a by-product or something worse than
that.
‘Up so soon?’ Kaoru’s sudden interjection made
Toshiya jumped and he turned around.
Kaoru got up from the bed and Toshiya was aware that
his eyes followed every single move of the guitarist
but he couldn’t help it. He could feel his neck grow
hot when Kaoru caught him and he averted his eyes
hastily to stare down at his own hands.
‘Take a bath and we’ll go out for lunch. My treat. I
know you haven’t eaten since dinner yesterday.’ Kaoru
threw him a fresh towel and a terry robe before
getting out of the bedroom.
‘Do you want your coffee with sugar and milk?’ Kaoru
called from the kitchen.
‘Any way you make it is fine with me.’


Toshiya got out of the bathroom and realised that he
didn’t have any change of clothing. He walked out in
his terry robe and found Kaoru in the living room
sipping coffee while reading that day’s newspaper.
‘Kaoru, I don’t have any change of clothes.’
‘Wear mine. You’re thinner than me, you ought to
fit.’
Toshiya turned to go but Kaoru’s next sentence
stopped him.
‘ wasn’t asleep when you had wanted to kiss me.’
Toshiya turned around slowly and fell back when he
saw the blaze in Kaoru’s eyes.
‘I should’ve known better than to make that move. Now
Kaoru’s angrier than he’d been earlier.’
But out loud, he said, ‘I’m sorry, Kaoru. I didn’t
mean it. It’s just…It’s just that…’
Suddenly, Toshiya felt a surge of courage and it
didn’t matter anymore if Kaoru hated him after that.
He had to get it off his chest before it suffocated
him.
‘Tada…Kaoru-kun no koto ga suki da.’
There. He had said it and he felt as if a lifelong
burden had been lifted off his shoulders. It wouldn’t
even have mattered if Kaoru kicked him out of Dir En
Grey. He didn’t deserve to be in the band in the first
place anyway.
He was tired of all the guessing and he want to know
for sure. He had to be very certain before he decided
to give up on Kaoru completely.
‘Ore no koto ga sukin no?’ Although Toshiya already
knew the answer, there was still a part of him which
hoped that he was wrong.
Kaoru stood up and walked towards Toshiya, his hand
lashed out forcefully and there was a cracking sound
when his palm came in contact with Toshiya’s delicate
skin.
Disbelief, hurt and disillusionment clouded Toshiya’s
eyes but he didn’t look up. It was a pity because if
he did, he would’ve noticed the distress in Kaoru’s
eyes.
Toshiya could taste something metallic in his mouth.
Apparently, he had bitten off a chunk of his inner
cheek. It hurt. Both physically and also the notion
that Kaoru had slapped him so hard that it had drawn
blood.
‘Kaoru could’ve just said a word ‘no’! Even that
would’ve been enough to slice through my heart. He
didn’t need to inflict physical injury to get his
point across…Do I look like I’m that dense? Does Kaoru
really hate me so much?’
Toshiya couldn’t hold back the silent tears that were
streaming down his face. Not wishing for Kaoru to see
him cry, he ran blindly in the general direction of
the bedroom and caught his reflection in the mirror.
His cheek was slightly swollen and the outline of
Kaoru’s hand was clearly imprinted on his face. A red
angry mark against his pale complexion.
‘I can’t go out and meet anyone with a face like
this!’
Toshiya was vain no matter what situation befalls him
and he searched frantically for Kaoru’s foundation
powder to cover the mark up while the tears continued
flowing out of control. He wiped at them harshly and
willed his tears back before dabbing on the foundation
furiously. He winced at the pain but no matter how
many times he applied it, how many times he tried to
stop his tears, they still came anyway and spoiled the
foundation. At last he gave up the futile effort and
buried his face into his hands, involuntarily crying
his heart out.
Kaoru had given him a slap for an answer. How cruel.
And yet he had deserved it. Why in the world had he
asked Kaoru that question knowing that he himself
would never be good enough for him?
‘Baka…baka…baka…baka…baka…’ Toshiya couldn’t stop
berating himself.
Kaoru leaned against the doorway. Although he had
slept soundly the previous night, all his energy
seemed to have been sapped when he saw Toshiya’s
heartbroken state. He tried to steel himself and to
force his emotions down but every sob from Toshiya
tore at his heart. He knew that Toshiya cried easily
and just the slightest trivia could call on Toshiya’s
tears yet the violent shakes of his shoulders weren’t
superficial. It came from deep within. Maybe a part of
Toshiya which he seldom showed others. Kaoru could
feel his own eyes moisten and he closed it briefly
before he felt his legs moving in a forward motion.
Toshiya could hear Kaoru approaching and he swallowed
hard, trying to quell his sobbing. He grabbed a
handful of tissues and pressed them to his eyes. But
when he felt Kaoru touch him, the dam inside of him
broke.
Kaoru felt his own hands turning Toshiya around and
gathering him into his arms. He heard himself saying
soothing words to Toshiya until at last, Toshiya’s
shoulders quit shaking. Kaoru gingerly lifted
Toshiya’s hands away from his face and was shocked to
see that he had hit Toshiya harder than he’d intended.
He could see a little dried blood at the corner of
Toshiya’s mouth and his heart twisted ten times more
painful than what Toshiya was feeling. Kaoru hadn’t
known that such pain existed.
‘I’m sorry.’ Kaoru’s own voice was chocked with
unshed tears. His eyes shimmering with something alien
to Toshiya. Was it love? Was it longing?
Kaoru took a piece of cotton from his dressing table
and moisten it with cleanser. Gently, he wiped at
Toshiya’s face, taking off the clumsily applied
cracked foundation that was on his face. Toshiya
couldn’t help staring at Kaoru in fascination. He
didn’t know what was the cause of Kaoru’s tenderness
but he resolved to make the most of it. For all he
knew, he might just wake up tomorrow and find
everything back to normal with Kaoru yelling at him
about getting a note off or that he needed to get his
bass guitar tuned.
Kaoru’s touch was more tender than his own when he
had applied the foundation. Toshiya daren’t make any
sound in case it spoilt the surrealism.
Kaoru took another cotton and wet it with some water
before cleaning Toshiya’s face again, getting the
cleanser off. He did the same ritual with extreme care
as if handling a precious porcelain, especially when
he reached the part where he had slapped Toshiya. His
touch was as light as feather and Toshiya swore that
he wouldn’t have known someone was touching him had he
not seen Kaoru with his own eyes.
‘Is this a dream?’ Toshiya wondered.
‘No…’ Kaoru’s reply startled him and he realised that
he had spoken his thoughts out loud.
Kaoru bent forward and pressed his lips on Toshiya’s
cheek, kissing the parts where the finger imprints
were. He lips seemed to convey a message of its own to
Toshiya. Begging Toshiya to forgive him. He felt
extreme regret that he had been the one to mar
Toshiya’s smooth skin and he prayed fervently that it
would heal without leaving behind any trace of
blemishes.
‘I am unworthy of you…you’re much too beautiful, much
too ethereal, much too sweet, much too tolerant and
much too talented…’ Kaoru sounded as if he was
chanting from a mantra and it had a hypnotizing
effect.
‘Me? Talented? But my bass skills are so--’
‘So perfect.’ Kaoru finished the sentence for
Toshiya. Toshiya started opening his mouth to protest
but Kaoru sealed their lips together preventing
Toshiya from saying anymore.
Kaoru felt guilt racking through him He shouldn’t be
kissing Toshiya but he couldn’t seem to resist.
Toshiya’s velvety lips were too tempting to ignore and
the bittersweet pleasure was more than enough.
‘Just once…just once…’ Kaoru promised himself.
It wasn’t his intention that his kiss had moved
lower, kissing Toshiya’s elegant throat. Toshiya felt
Kaoru’s lips on his neck and he arched it back,
relishing the open-mouthed kisses from Kaoru.
‘But you’re always saying that I need to improve
myself…’ Toshiya couldn’t help doubting Kaoru’s
intentions. ‘and…and…you were always so cold towards
me…I don’t understand…this is a joke, isn’t it?’
The self-imposed despair caused salty tears to gather
at Toshiya’s eyes and when he blinked, Kaoru felt them
on his upper lip. Kaoru frowned slightly but kissed
the tear tenderly and moved his lips upwards, kissing
Toshiya’s eyelids which had fluttered close, then the
corner of his eyes where a few drop of tears had
threatened to fall.
‘Nakushinaide…please…. Seeing you hurt is like myself
getting hurt a thousand times more deeply.’ Kaoru
realised that he sounded cliched but that was exactly
how he felt. How else to express those feelings? His
muses seemed to have left him when he needed them the
most.
Toshiya wondered at Kaoru’s words, wondered why Kaoru
had slapped him, wondered why Kaoru had always been so
cold to him but feeling his tender lips on his skin,
Toshiya couldn’t believe that this was the same Kaoru
that had done all those hurtful things to him. This
Kaoru was much too gentle, much too tender, much too
caring.
‘Toshiya…onegai…’ Kaoru pleaded desperately when he
felt more tears cruising down Toshiya’s cheeks.
‘Please…please don’t torment me anymore. I’ll never
treat you like I did…ever again…I’m sorry…I promise…’
Kaoru was on the point of going down on his knees and
beg. He couldn’t accept the fact that it was him who
had hurt Toshiya beyond endurance. He had thought that
Toshiya’s crush on him would go away after he realised
what an unworthy person Kaoru was. He hadn’t
anticipated his own loss of control when Toshiya
didn’t relent, clinging to Kaoru with a gullibility
which baffled and touched Kaoru.
Kaoru wiped at Toshiya’s tears with his thumb. He
stared at Toshiya and was suddenly overwhelmed by his
beauty. He tangled his hand in Toshiya’s hair and
pulled his head close. He could only try to fathom at
Toshiya’s endurance as he felt himself pulled by
inexplicable forces towards Toshiya’s lips.
Toshiya’s hands moved cautiously around to hug Kaoru.
He was afraid of making any sudden movement in case he
might find that Kaoru was nothing more than a fragment
of his imagination. Relief filled him when his hands
came in contact with a solid being.
‘Aishiteimasu…’
Those words were barely audible but all the same,
Kaoru’s ears caught it and his heart contracted
painfully at the whispered words. Once again, Kaoru
found himself wondering at Toshiya’s naivety. Kaoru
conceded to the fact that Toshiya was an entirely
different person from him, an entirely different
person from what he thought. A selfish part of him
wanted Toshiya all to himself yet he knew that Toshiya
deserved someone better. Toshiya should be loving
anybody other than himself.
‘Toshiya…we weren’t meant to be together.’ Kaoru held
Toshiya’s shoulder and maintained a distance between
them. In case he should go out of line again.
‘Why?’ Toshiya could hardly keep the despair from his
voice.
‘Keep yourself untainted for your real soul mate.
Someone more deserving than me.’
‘But Kaoru, you are my soul mate!! I want you to be
my soul mate!!!’ Toshiya’s innocence was no excuse for
Kaoru to take advantage of him. Toshiya had to know
the truth.
‘No, Toshiya.’ Kaoru shook his head remorsefully. ‘I
am not what you imagine me to be. I am actually this
vile and repulsive being who is so jealous of all your
attributes that I tried to spoil it at every
opportunity. Your beauty…your talents…your charms…’
Toshiya moved so swiftly it startled Kaoru. Toshiya
was hugging Kaoru fiercely at the waist. As if by
force alone, he could chain Kaoru to him forever.
Kaoru’s chest hurt lightly from having being slammed
so forcefully into Toshiya’s. Kaoru looked down at
Toshiya’s bent head against him and felt an urge to
touch the silky hair once again.
‘You’re not vile. Nor are you repulsive.’ Toshiya’s
tone was firm and confident.
‘But I treated you badly…’ Kaoru protested.
‘No…you were cool…you were just being you…’
‘But I wounded you…’ Kaoru gave in to his impulse and
fingered Toshiya’s hair.
‘It will heal…’ Toshiya said simply, loving the feel
of Kaoru’s fingers in his hair.
‘And I made you practice so hard…even though there
wasn’t really anything wrong with your bass…I mean,
I’ve heard worse!’
‘Merely a hard taskmaster.’
‘You don’t mind me being a hard taskmaster?’
‘No.’
‘You would accept me even if I’m a hard taskmaster?’
Unknowingly to himself, Kaoru had answered Toshiya’s
question. This time with a question but it was a much
better answer than the previous one and Toshiya’s
heart jumped joyously.
‘Of course! If you are a hard taskmaster, then you are
MY hard taskmaster!’
As if proving his point, Toshiya lifted his head and
leaned forward, merging their lips together, kissing
Kaoru with more vigour than ever before.
Kaoru involuntarily responded with a passion that
matched his.
‘Toshiya-chan wo aishiteru…’ Kaoru hadn’t wanted to
say it yet those words had escaped from his lips on
its own accord. He realised that it was probably too
late to take it back anyway and vowed to be a better
person for Toshiya as he felt Toshiya melting against
him. He vowed to control his bad-tempered outbursts
and do whatever that was in his power to please
Toshiya. The least he could do was to let Toshiya know
that he cared.
Toshiya’s head swirled with all the emotions inside
him. Kaoru’s inquisitive hands inside his terry robe,
Kaoru’s confession that he loved him, Kaoru’s tender
lips against his collar bone and also his own feelings
towards Kaoru. But Toshiya didn’t mind. Let his brain
go hay-wired. As long as he had Kaoru’s love, nothing
else mattered.


email ~Zephyr~

back to fics page