Wednesday, 3-2-94 I am back in therapy. Bob and I have been working together for about 9 months. What difference! Bob is great and I am able to trust him 100%. He is one of the few whom I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that will never judge me. That is a pretty great feeling. I started taking Prozac (3 weeks tomorrow) Still no effect. That's not totally true. It's giving me horrific headaches! Hopefully soon we shall see results. My family along w/ some of my friends (Jill, G.R.) are worried about my weight loss. I, on the other hand, am quite pleased! 5 more pounds to 130. I am starving myself as well as avoiding situations where food is involved. I now think of food as poisonous. I cannot ever imagine eating a sandwich! (too much food) I'll be okay, I will stop before it gets out of control. I have fallen in love w/ a very special person whose name I choose to leave anonymous. We know who each other are. It happened the night of my 28th Birthday. We have built an everlasting friendship. I feel free around him, and like he says "He makes my heart smile!" He deserves some happiness in his life, and it makes me feel good to know that I can provide him w/ such happiness. Who knows if anything serious will ever happen between the 2 of us (I only know what I dream) Ciao, AMF March 7, 94 Monday ...We (Tomas and I) had lunch on Friday at the Shipley Grill. It was very food. I hope that tonight he will visit me before working in Philadelphia. I am alone in my house tonight drinking a beer and listening to music ("When Harry Met Sally) We have problems because he has a wife and children also. I don't want to be in love but I can't help it. By god, please don't judge me!....No news on the weight loss. I am stuck at 135 pds, and it's pissing me off! I can't starve myself anymore than I already am. I suppose I should be thankful that I have not gained any weight either. I still avoid situations where there is food involved. G.R. was for making mussels marinara and linguine w/ shrimp and chicken tonight but I was afraid if I went over, --- I would eat, and when I got on the scale in the morning, I would have gained a pound or two. So, I declined the invitation. When I lose my last 5 pds, I will treat myself. ? Where is my friend ? Ciao AMF Thursday 24-3-94 My boyfriend (Tomas) asked me today if I wanted to be a girlfriend and live alone and he would pay rent for my room. I need to think. I love him, but, he has four children (girls) and a wife. I will be a silent girlfriend. Oh my God. Today is he day my father died! How sad. (My dad was a bad father, but he was the only father I ever had so therefore I loved him.) I do no think that he conscienciously meant to be a bad father, -- he just had no clue! (He really made my life very sad + lonely. I will never forget the pain he caused me.) He forced me to lie to protect my identity. Ciao, AMF April 24, Sunday ... I had a great day on Friday. My friend and I went to his house to eat. What a house! He enchants me. During the weekend, my thoughts were devoted to Tomas. I am afraid because I am in love with a man who has a family. I need to realize that our relationship will never be anything other than a secret. I fantasize my life with him all the time. He is very gentle, intelligent handsome and very interesting. Why does he have to be married??? More information later My weight has remained the same (133 - 135) I must get down to 130. I am still staying clear of eating situations. I will only be happier if I keep losing weight. Keep it up Annie! More later. I spoke to P.J. on Friday. He leaves for Mississippi on 5-7 for a year. I always thought my life would be w/ P.J., --- but not any more. I wish him well, and there's a part of me that will always love him.... Tuesday 26-4-94 Wow. What a day! I talked with Tomas last night after he dinner here in my house. Our relationship is finished. He told me I need to find a man without children who has a lot of time for me, because I am very special and deserve much more. Well, after what he said, I was very sad and I cried all night. I know it is my problem and my fault because from the beginning I knew what I was getting myself into. Sometimes it is very easy to write but very difficult to cope. I have dreams about him and me making love and living together, --- but it will never happen. After he left, I was so empty, sad lonely. I told him things that were hidden inside me. I feel so comfortable w/ him, -- I can say anything. I watched him get in his car and drive away. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Ciao T, I love you AMF Tuesday 26-4-94 Tomas called today at ten thirty and told me love you. We decided that we will still se each other. All morning I wondered if he would call (I prayed he would, however I vowed to myself that I would not call him) Our conversation was good, but I felt a little sad. He is going to Canada from Wednesday until Friday for law school. Poor thing! Ciao Tomas I love you! My session w/ Bob today was quite tearful. I cried a lot as well as informed him of my eating disorder. ..... I also feel that my world is so out of control, and the only thing I can control is my food intake. I know one thing, Prozac is not for me! Bob is aware, so I suppose we'll take it from here. Cheers --- AMF