Sunday 6-19 I would first like to start off by talking about Mike Hines. We had our first date last Sat. night June 11 w/ Robert + Susan in Avalon. The 4 of us went out to dinner at Marabella's It was great fun. After dinner, Mike and I went to his house. What a house! .... It was great. Mike dropped me off with a kiss good night. I really like him a lot. On Sunday he came by to say good bye. He is so handsome! On Wednesday (6-15) he came down, and we went to the festival. All we did was talk all night until the cops finally kicked us out. I think I'm falling for his real fast! I see myself marrying him.... P.S. My weight is 129. I have a serious problem but right now I am not able to confront it. Cheers! AMF Tuesday 28-6-94 My dear one! .... I want to talk about last weekend with Michael at the beach. .... We really seemed to enjoy one another's company. I only hope my feelings for him are not stronger than his for mine (?) In a way I believe I am falling too hard, and he's enjoying a casual relationship w/ me w/ the possibility of dating others. (God I hope not) ...... Actually I am good at dealing w/ rejection. Much better than dealing w/ compliments...... There is a part of me, a rational part believe it or not that thinks we will get married. Wow. Me thinking about the "m" word. I love you Michael, Ciao AMF Wednesday 6-7-94 Hi Diary. Well it's official Michael does not like me. It's been four days since we talked to each other. I am very sad. He is charming. Why? What's wrong with me? .... I was not up / I am not up for dealing w/ a broken heart. What did I do or not do to make him not want to get involved? I must have said something wrong or hurt or offended him in some way.... AMF Feb. 25, '95 Saturday .... One of the most influential, helpful persons in my life has died. Bob Connor was killed on 1-24-95 by a drunk driver coming home from work. The phone call from Mary Ellen the next morning (7:45 a.m.) was one of the most lonely, difficult X's in my life! I loved Bob, and he has helped me grow so much, but we had a lot more to do until I got to where I need to be at this point in my life. He was the only person who knew everything (even a little bit about Tommy (not much) about me, and it felt great to get all this shit inside of me --- out. ..... Bob was, and probably be the only person who really knew me and understood my insecurities. ..... Now, I need to write about my friend / boy friend / love Tomas. Last week (Saturday, 2-28-95) he called at 4:00 in the afternoon. We talked and he told me he had a party for Buddy in Al Carter's house and then at Buddy's bar that night. Well, at midnight, Jill, Binny and I went to the bar and saw Tomas. Tomas was furious because I was there (I think so). The women were drinking three beers and a shot of vodka with lemon. I did not say good bye to Tomas when I left because he was sitting with his wife. I was sad and very sick in my stomach. I am madly "in love" with him and did not truly realize just how deeply I felt until that night when I could not be near him, and I then realized the fact that he is and never will be mine! Sunday, the day after, I thought about Tomas every minute of the day. I had a feeling that he did not want me at the bar so I stayed clear across the room from him. I am sorry Tomas -- I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. Monday arrived and I did not hear from Tomas. I finally called him around 5:00 and checked in. He was cold and seemed very dis-interested in talking with me and I asked what's up? he said to me "nothing Ana Maria, my life sucks!" I asked him if he was mad at me and he said no, just everything in my life is wrong and sucks! He was eager to get off the phone, and said he had a very busy week. Wednesday 2-22 I wake up feeling sad and depressed. I need to talk to Tommy. If it's over between us, -- I need to have some closure. Tomas why won't you talk to me? Jesus, how and why did I allow myself to fall in love w/ a married man??? I know exactly why: Tomas is kind, caring, responsive, loving , has a beautiful heart, extremely handsome and was kind and gentle to me. If he loves me like he used to say (which I still believe he does) then why is he treating me like this??? God, please help me! Like a fool, when I got back to the office from VIP, -- I called T., and asked that he call me. Well, he called and was nasty. It was the first time that T. raised his voice at me. I asked What is it, you are furious with me, why aren't you talking to me? He said to me "Drop it Annie and quit ----ing talking like this in the office we'll talk later. I asked if I would ever hear from him again, and he said Do you want to? I said of course! He said "alright" I will call later Went to Diane's for dinner and I cried and cried, etc. because I am losing T, and I do not know why? When T. asked me how I would like to spend my last day on earth, -- I told him by playing Hookie from work making marinara sauce together making love while it was cooking, drinking red wine, eating bread and watching all the movies we have talked about watching together. He said he did not believe anything I just said. Where has this sudden come from. Did somebody say something to him. What has he hears? I wish I knew because I also would like to know. You are breaking my heart T. Please communicate w/ me what the ---- is going on in your mind! I often fantasize about T. and me, and how I would love to spend the remaining yrs. of my life w/ him. There is so much I want to do with him. wake up in his arms in my bed, lay next to him and read books together, travel w/ him, etc. Will any of this ever happen? I am madly in love w/ T. ! Thurs. 2-23 T. called me at five o'clock in the afternoon while I was at the office. The conversation was superficial. ..... There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I was afraid that he would fly off the handle again like he did on Wednesday. While we were talking, tears were rolling down my face. I wanted to tell him that he was breaking my heart and ask him to please STOP! Instead, I clammed up and let him go. I came home from work, got into bed and cried myself to sleep. I called T. When I got home and left a message asking him to call me at work tomorrow B-4 he came in at 3:30.