Why you may or may not wish to be a Purple Monkey Cabal Member; or, another Erisian story by some nutjob; or something
And Moses did look upon the face of the Lord. And God spake unto Moses, saying: "What the hell are you staring at?" And Moses did fall upon his face before the Lord. And he did beg forgiveness, saying: "Lord, in my ignorance did I stare upon thee. Only once before have I seen such a fiery red bush. It was the bush of a concubine in pharaoh’s court, and many a night did it set me on fire."
And God spake unto Moses, saying: "If I make thee a prophet, wilt thou leave me alone?" So God gave Moses two tablets of carven stone. Yea, exceedingly heavy were the tablets that God gave unto him. And God commanded Moses to carry the tablets forth unto all the world. When Moses had left the presence of God, the Lord spake unto no one in particular, saying "What a dumbass!"
If magic were real, it would make the world go. Magic isn’t real, so it makes the world go faster.
And upon this day I say unto you: Each Sentient Being is an Incarnation of Me, and whosoever upon hearing this Truth shall come to know it, is blessed; and twice blessed are they who shall be unable again to forget it; but thrice blessed is that Man or Woman who needed never to be told.
(Visitations 13:5 The Honest Book of Truths)
*Note: Any relationship between the author of this work and any person , living, dead or otherwise, is entirely consensual.
The Fields of Madness: Or How Someone found out that Buddha’s Zen Billy Club was really Eris’s Sledgehammer.
It had been a long day and I had done nothing but eat corn-dogs while drinking apple cider. The sky outside was growing darker and thus I decided it would be time to cloth myself and go to the Tequilarium and preach another sermon to my sestren and brethren Purple Monkeys; but only because the weather was cold and walking around without clothes would be stupid.
As I walked the two blocks from my house to the Tequilarium, I mumbled the White Mouse Stay Away chant to myself so that I wouldn’t have to deal with his heavy and wordy bitchiness that night. (I have since discovered that the chant doesn’t work so well.)
Entering the Tequilarium, I discovered, to my shock and amusement, evidence of a most wild and chaotic party from the night before. And a few Purple Monkeys were passed out, some on the floor, some on the holey futon dais, and two on the couch; and there were a couple of people I recognized not at all.
I approached the sleeping, and sadly clothed, St. Kallista, who was sprawled on the floor in a weird yoga posture, or something like that. (I say ‘sadly clothed’ not only because of her choice in fashion, but also due to the fact that I had been trying to get her out of her clothes for some time now. As she had tried with me. It’s a little game we had been playing. Note: Discordians flirt in strange ways, but we won’t get into that now, and I have been digressing parenthetically for too long now.) I nudged her leg sharply with my boot enclosed foot. She woke up, pushed her so-black-it-sometimes-looks-blue hair out of her face and said "What?"
"What happened here?" I asked her.
"You don’t remember?" She responded sleepily.
I nodded. Knowing full well the ramifications of that most holey question.
"Hmmm. We did the Zen master game ritual with the initiates and then got hammered on the tequila. You ran off into the early morning screaming about Eris and her Sledgehammer. We would have tried to follow you and bring you back, but we were really amused. You scared off one of them, by the way."
I nodded as I began to remember. Scaring off initiates was one of my favorite ritualistic pastimes. Sometimes I would pretend to call up nefarious Elder Gods. Sometimes I would conjure up the spirit of Bob Dobbs (the Bob of the Subgenii, in case you don’t know) in order to get some pipe tobacco. Sometimes, Eris would manifest spontaneously; and that tends to freak the crap out of any initiates. Sometimes we would do Chaos Magic stuff and throw hexes until our arms hurt. Sometimes we would become possessed by the White Mouse, who always has a thing or several to say. Other times we just get drunk and loud. But this last night I had tried something new with the Zen master game. What was it? The memory was coming up slower than dial-up.
"K, what did I do to scare them off?" I asked impatient with my brain’s slowness.
But before she responded, I had to walk over to the couch and kick someone who was snoring.
"Don’t act so innocent." K smiled as she sat up.
"Everyone is Discordian until proven so in a court of Chaos" I said.
"You were smoking your pipe and shouting at one of them ‘What part of fthagn do you not understand, Grasshopper?’ I took the stick you had been threatening him with and whacked you with it. Then you whacked me. Then we decided to take turns whacking them and the rest of us. It was getting to be a lot of fun until you shouted something about someone putting fnords in your tequila, then it became amusing."
I started to remember. It had been a wild night. I remembered running off like K said. But before I did so, I put my hands on the shoulders of one of the initiates and shouted in his face something about never ever fucking with the White Mouse, otherwise Bob would smoke him in his pipe. It turns out that this initiate was so scared by this point that he simply ran out through the closet door, hit the closet wall, came back out and found the real door and ran out. I suppose I ran off to further harass him, but got distracted by the idea of Eris’s Sledgehammer at some point before reaching the door.
Having now remembered to my satisfaction. K and I proceeded to wake the other Purple Monkeys so they could listen to my latest sermon entitled "How someone found out that Buddha’s Zen Billy-Club is really Eris’s Sledgehammer".
QUESTION: Having now heard this, what do you suppose Eris’s Sledgehammer is?
NOTE: No sticks or clubs or sledgehammers or dominatrices were hurt in any way during the telling of this story.
POST SCRIPT: At some point after reading this, you will go crazy. So you may as well join us and have some fun.
Eris appeared before me and spoke. I ran as far from Her as I could. I stopped sometime later to catch my breath. Eris appeared before me and spoke while holding a big sledgehammer. I decided not to run.
The End...for now...
Back to Sacred Ramble Intro
Back to Purple Monkey Intro