Fragments As Found and Collected by Irreverend Hugh, KSC
in the latter part of the year 3170
And yea, when ye have tried to blow out from thy nose thine own snot,
yet it moveth not, ye shall verily know the feeling of the fnord, even unto dry itching,
and ask thou of thy Goddess, "why?" And She shall respond to thee with a mighty thump,
for She is thy Goddess, the Lady Eris. And ye shall breathe clearly again.
It is a vexation upon the hearts of those who hear this, yet understand not.
And lo, Eris stood before us with a smirk, even though the rite was intended for
some other deity. She spoke before any of us had the chance to. ‘My children, I give you
hotdogs, pop-tarts, and even chili-dogs. What further need have you beyond imbibing of the
freedom that is yours?’ And we all looked upon Her in awe of the profundity.
She just laughed and started throwing unopened beer cans at us. None of us achieved any
measure of enlightenment that night, though we remained in awe, no matter how drunk we got.
When will you begin to inhabit the heart of your life? When will you become the real
subject of your life rather than its target or victim?
We looked out upon the spectacle, while draining the bottles of tequila. People fighting
amongst themselves and against anyone else they could find. That night was truly a vexation
upon us and later we proceeded to worry and bitch throughout the long night about the scene
which we witnessed, despite the intoxicant coursing our bloodstream and affecting our
discourse. But Eris heard us and said unto us in a loud voice "My Children, fear not the
yahoos who choose to fight themselves and others for the ever decreasing spaces within their
dying world! Just stay well away from them and remain unseen by them—but always remain sneaky
in your Mindfucking. If you need, call upon Me and I will screw them worse then even their
televised imaginations could conceive." By that point, we were perplexed when She pulled out
a briar-wood staff from a sock and smashed a tequila bottle with it. We later received news
that several of the yahoos who almost harmed us had run into foul fates indeed. Indeed.
Let all who hear this understand. Eris is a mighty Goddess. Those who deny this are
continually vexed.
We walked unto the edge of the land and found the squirrel not. But upon a wall was written
"Why are you reading this?" in large red painted letters. The profundity hit us harder than
the tequila. It was then that we decided to write down these irreligious scriptures.
"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven neighbor."
Eris spoke, asking with a smirk on Her face, "Do you know why that tequila is yellowish?"
But we chose to remain silent, for the mighty mother-buzz of drunkenness was upon us, and
for fear of Her answer. Let her or him with confusion try not to understand.
Lo and behold! Eris is thy Goddess, even unto thine own darkest recesses She toys with thee,
despite the protestations of thy disbelief. She bangs at the door of thy heart asking you
nicely to come out and play with Her; but woe to those who listen not, for She bears a
mighty slap. She shall give you freedom. If you find it within thyself to reject Her,
then She shall hit you over and over with that freedom. Let all with understanding meditate
on the veracity and potency of the word maybe.
"You are either with us, not, or maybe. And possibly two other choices."
We opened the ancient text and saw written upon it, via sharpie,
the words "BF Skinner was a political prisoner of the pigeons!"
Upon this profundity we mused until we drained all such bottles of tequila as were in our
vicinity, yet we achieved not illumination. Lacking the proper ornithological training,
the import of pigeons was lost upon us.
I wanted to reveal the import of the mystery but Eris threatened to take away the beer.
She said "Child of Mine, all mysteries are really not mysteries but simply the congealed
dribble of guesses that failed." And I knew then and there that confusion was to be our
salvation that night.
And maybe Eris was there when the smoke from his pipe wafted by. Nothing else explains
the disappearance of the crock of tequila we left on the table. Needless to say, avoid
watching exercise videos after White Mouse conjurations. None of this has anything to do
with sand-paper.
"Never underestimate the latent powers of electricity."
"Bureaucracy is simultaneously our revenge against DUMB and one of the highest expressions
of DUMB. Thus it could be another chaoist conundrum, but I ain’t discussing it any further.
You want some bread crumbs, or what?"
-Tequilarius Malignatus, to the sparrows
"Stupidity is the most dangerous Weapon of Mass Destruction there is, and this WMD is
found everywhere…not even hidden but blatantly displayed. You don’t see other species
running around doing the sorts of stupid shit that you humans do. Your species has a lot of
fucked up issues… Eh, we mice survived the dinosaurs and I suppose we’ll survive you guys."
-the White Mouse
We saw the White Mouse on that night, no matter how much we tried to drink away the sight.
And he had much to say about hairspray…or was it cheese? Such esoteric matters are truly
difficult to understand, let alone remember, especially when hung over.
"If you’re mean to Eris, She’ll disbar you and throw you in the nut-house."
"Many have tried to reach the shores of my wisdom but smashed apart on the rocks of their
own seriousness!"
-Eris (from the Dishonest Book of Truth; RRevelation 3)
Yea, Eris winked and laughed. The day of Her sledgehammer hath come.
She spoke unto us "Fear not or do as you wish, but the violent yahoos’ hides are Mine to
smite and to twist and to shred. The rest of the population of DUMB is yours to mindfuck."
And She went out. We looked around at each other, awestruck. And someone spoke "Kallisti!"
We nodded and poured the tequila out amongst us . Let her or him who hath understanding nod.
Verily, it is a vexation upon those who snub Eris or Her Children.
And the message of the non- prophetess is ‘If you seem to be a verb, then you may wish to
lower your dose of whatever it is you smoke. For verbs are the vile and tricky cousins of
fnords. Have no truck with such things.’ But we listened not since we were well on our way
to drunk. Blessed are those who hear this and know themselves. Twice blessed are those who
hear this and know tequila’s curative effects. But thrice blessed are those who hear this
and know Eris. Verily, it is a mystery that has nothing to do with errant washing machines
on Mondays.
"White magic is poetry, black magic is anything that actually works."
-Victor Anderson
And we did read from the Bureaucracy. And Eris was pleased, though we in our drunkenness did
not notice how pleased. When we woke up, Eris had departed and it was approximately three
days later, though we weren’t sure. Somehow, all of the tequila was there in its bottles,
as if we never opened them. And all of the vacation forms that had sorely vexed our hearts
had disappeared. Let her or him with a heart of understanding know that this is one of the
marks of Visitation.
Truly, it is in awe that we contemplate the mystery of Eris’s special fondness for sparrows.
The sparrows are thy fellow Erisian apostles, in as much as there are apostles anywhere.
Many are the tricks of nature turning us about in every direction. Many are the traps of
humanity in angst with itself. Let her who understands this proclaim the motto ‘KALLISTI!’
and imbibe freely of the sacraments of Our Lady.
"We are the voice of one crying out for dessert, "Prepare the way of the Fnord,
make straight for the Aftermath." We seek nothing less than the Global Discombobulation of
the Masses. The destruction of the purityranical zeitgeist of the age of bureaucracy.
Where everything not forbidden is compulsory and everything not compulsory is forbidden…You
want to help bring it down? Just do exactly what they tell you to do. Imposition of order
equals escalation of disorder, and we are gumming up the works of our lords. So quit horsing
around and pony up to the bar."
"A religion without a goddess is halfway to atheism."
Behold ye naysayers and unwashed zombies, always looking out for your investment returns!
Eris has led ye unto the truth of nonsense. Yet you still scream your denials,
proclaiming ‘chaos’ while running from it. Maybe ye are onto something great, however.
Then pass the tequila and praise Eris! If ye can’t stop laughing, our Great Work
is succeeding.
"Society is everywhere in conspiracy against unconditional happiness.
The Universe is everywhere in conspiracy to promote unconditional happiness.
Everyone is everywhere in conspiracy to deny what’s really happening.
Whether you agree or not."
-The White Mouse (from the Drunken Sessionns)
"The wider the comprehension, the deeper and stronger is the illusion."