Rant 105: Zombie Fried Rice


"...since the dead of your fair city [Chicago] are among the world's most active and ambitious. Many have been voting in civic, state and national elections for decades. Their proud record of achievement in the 1960 presidential election is still the subject of discussion...It seems odd that other cities of the world such as Rome, Mecca, and Salt Lake City would be the headquarters for religions that promise eternal life. Chicago actually delivers on this promise, and isn't even the state capital!"
-Brian Beckett, Ontario (from letter to Chicago Sun-Times, July 28th, 2005)

"We are poor indeed if we are only sane."
-D.W. Winnicott (Psychoanalyst)

"We doom ourselves to a perpetual hardening of character, which we imagine is sanity but which comes to imprison us."
-Mark Epstein, M.D. (Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart)

The people who tell you that you are doomed are lying to you as much as the people who tell you that you are not doomed. Remember that the phrase "there is no enemy anywhere" can only be understood in situations when it is not true. The lab experiment that became the Idiot Boy Emperor is running out of steam. America(tm) has not been put on lock down. The fears and the predictions of the liberal dupes have not materialized. Western civilization still stands unfazed by any explosions or hijackings. The fears and the predictions of the conservative dupes have not materialized. And little anarchist groups that were worried about the patriot act are still living in freedom as the federal government puts its energy into finding and detaining Islamic Jihadists, instead of the dwindling members of "revolutionary" groups that live in some convoluted reality-tunnel stuck somewhere in the world of the 1960's.

Humanity may seem to be getting dumber to you all the time but that is only because the way you see the world around you is getting dimmer. Only the fool gets caught up in the idea that Discordianism is about the destruction of society. You didn't think that it was that simple and straightforward, did you? What? You didn't realize that that was one of the oldest put-ons we ever came up with? Oh great bearer of earth shattering and socially devastating discord, what made you think that anything you did would make a difference? And what made you think that Discordianism and discord was about that? Did you get caught up in the literal dictionary definition of the words while failing to see that we Discordians use words in a different meaning and for different ideas? How could you have failed to see this? Did you ever get it? Or were you trapped in your fundamentalist thinking like a fanatical Christian who insists that the words of the Bible are literally true and must be followed to each letter? Hah! Suckers! Guess again.

Listen, you zombies. You ran around complaining and whining and saying that Eris respects those who cause the most amount of discord in Her name or some other such idea. But you never thought about the Myth of the Golden Apple. Only the suckers get caught up in fighting each other over the damned thing. When did you get the strange idea into your head that our Discordian Irreligion was some sort of revolutionary movement or political party? Who told you such bullshit? (She-What-Done-It-All pulled your leg again, eh? Or maybe one of us hooked you in with one of our lines. Sucker!) You never thought about the reality that some of us spread certain aspects of discord, chaos, and confusion to get certain people to wake up from their sleepwalking, but we care little for overthrowing or bringing down society at large. If you disagree, that's fine. Just don't try to claim that your political ideologies are an integral part of Discordianism...Why not? Because they aren't funny. And you know what that means.

Besides, most of you would-be or so-called "discord bringers" don't do a damned thing but contribute to the shitty state of the world in some vague or tepid notion that if you pile on the crap then the whole thing will collapse. Yet again, you have been suckered. Despite all verifiable evidence to the contrary, you still think that by creating more trouble, you are actually gumming up the works of the machine, or bringing snafu to a conclusion. But if you claim to be doing any of those things for any other reason than that they give you entertainment, you are lying to yourselves. You want to bring discord that opens or illuminates minds? Do something to better yourself. Sometimes the most profound truths are hiding right in front of your face in stupid cliches.

Some of you have suggested or asserted that Discordianism has failed. What? Did you miss the key and most glaring point of the whole thing? (You know, the point about the irreligion being against any of those serious and sane mentations that people get so wrapped up and involved in?) A point so large and ubiquitous that the only way you could have missed it was because you were so full of your own mental bullshit. If you think Discordianism has failed, that is only because you were dumb enough to get taken in by your own mind (or even Eris) pulling your leg and yanking your chains to the point where you actually thought that your point of being could be equated with the Discordian Society as a whole. And that's actually pretty damned funny for some of us. If you can't or won't get the joke, then guess what? The joke is you. That is why we say you are Little Deluded Dupes.

Keep waving your flags and howling your spew like ravenous howling monkeys shouting and screeching "Look at me!" "Notice me!" "My ideas are the truth, you idiots!" and other such silly statements. We still won't take you seriously because you are jokes. We reject, spit upon, dance around, utterly deny and laugh at any of your claims about what Discordianism is or is not or maybe. If you are not one of us now, you never really were one of us, now were you? Go off and play politics or play Che Guevara or play the role of the rich overfed anarchist who slums it up because they think being poor is "cool" or "romantic" all you want. It was quite silly of you to come into Discordianism thinking it was one thing or another and then getting angry that the rest of us didn't fall in line and do the things you thought we should do. How stupid could you be? It would be like going into an Evangelical Revival meeting and trying to persuade or cajole the attendees to worship pagan deities and then getting angry because (though they tolerated and humored you to a point) they didn't do what you thought they should do. Then you have the ill humor to say that their religion or society has failed? Hah. Suckered again!

Besides there is the glaring fact that we Discordians need the existence of society at large. We need the masses of zombies. And all of it is chaos, my friends, enemies, and damned things. So what if some of us merely want to paint, or play music, or get together and worship Eris, or practice magical hoo-hahs, or just want to play sink? So bobdamned what? Many of us have lives and Eris never demands that we turn over ourselves lock stock and barrel (while shaving our heads and wearing silly robes and hailing Krishna). She isn't like those other deities that demand slavish devotion. Hell, She doesn't even give a rat's ass whether you believe in Her. When the Discordian Jihad was launched against such people as you "Real Discordians(tm)" and serious "bearers of discord," it was to let you know that our product was (and still is) superior. You don't like being told what to do, then stop trying to tell the rest of us what to do. Discordianism is not a fucking political party, nor is it an ideology, nor is it an excuse to be an idiotic zombie rattling off the correct leftist dupe truisms, nor is it even a game to play for more flax. We Discordians are the definition of the Discordian Society. And since we are non-stick, none of your ideas or manipulations or dogmas are going to work. We are not ever going to be what YOU want us to be. But we will laugh at your expense for every time you try to persuade or coerce is.

And don't worry. We understand. "If we were small and gray. We'd be scared too." We'd get angry with the Discordian Society and say that it is a failure. We would be hopping mad pointing our fingers at everyone else for the messes we created in our lives and getting more spastically mad because others disagree with us. It's okay. We understand you all too well. We do have to live in a global society that has been largely shaped by people of your ilk anyway. We know you better than you know us for that one reason. The difference between The Way We Really Are and The Way You Want Us To Be is that we are having fun playing the game while you are simply upset that you can't control the game. You could just walk away, you know.

Don't try to tread on us. And if you hate us so much and think Discordianism is a failure than stop trying to come to our attention, fool. We can always use some more dancing jesters and that's exactly what you sound like. Except you look like fluff bunnies, and you forgot your tinker-bells. Go see a therapist or something for fuck sake.

-Irreverend Hugh, KSC
(Driving while under the influence of the Book of Eris.)
July 30th, 2005


Rant 106
Rants Vol. 2 Index