Many of you are under the impression that there are actually certain signs that you can use to determine whether someone is a "real" Discordian. Even though there is no such thing as "real" Discordians. There are only people who haven't got it yet and think they can go around telling others that they are not real enough. (Unless they are doing it for laughs, in which case it is to be expected.)
For everyone who swears up and down and turns blue trying to shout how much their version of what is or isn't Discordianism is the honest to god truth or somehow the most intelligent approach, there are five more people with differing ideas who are equally convinced of their own approaches. Everyone is lashing out and getting serious. Some of you have forgotten time-tested Discordian practices such as "excommunication" and "forming your own damned sect." If you don't like what someone else says or does, excommunicate them. If you feel you speak for some group of people and they like what you say, form your own sect of Discordianism. Ranting and raving about how "unreal" all the "fake" Discordians are is only going to get you laughed at.
Why am I so against "real" Discordians, you ask? Why I am against even the idea? Why this now, when I have been involved with this irreligion for so long now that it's like a pair of old boots? Well, I'll tell you why. Because Discordianism is fake. (Read it again.) Made up. A figment. A creation. Most of you all reading this online have pretty much of a nothing in terms of real life Discordian relationships...which may be one of the reasons you spend time online. Many of you reading this claim you adhere to "stick apart" but when do you ever really get to practice this in real life? Sticking apart doesn't mean hiding out in your room online all night for hours every day of your life. How many of you reading this are actually Discordians when you are not online? (No? Then sit down.)
That's right. You heard me. Read it again. Discordianism is fake. Sorry suckers. Just like my pair of boots has been made somewhere in some factory by some underpaid Indonesian child-slaves and yet stamped with a "made in the USA" label, Discordianism was made up in the early sixties and seventies by hippies, neo-Pagans, and people masquerading as Chaos Magicians (who shouldn't be trusted with anything, especially your pet snail). I know some of you think that chaos magic has no place in Discordianism, but why not? (Prejudice is for fools.) Since what we are doing is fake, we can take whatever anyone wishes and sprinkle it into the mix. I suppose the word parody was something you forgot or missed when you first signed up for this irreligion.
It is amusing to see some of you get your panties up in bunches about real or fake Discordians and such. Please do keep amusing the rest of us. It is also amusing to see some of you trying to remain serious about your definitions, as if we all should agree with them and proclaim them holy writ. Are you that blind? Don't you see we'd rather sit around eating donuts than read your holy writ or perform your "real" acts of "discord." There's more to life than impressing other people with how cool we are with our struggle against "the Man" or the "Machine" or whatever the catchphrase is these days for "whomever-it-is-you-blame-for-your-fuck-ups." Fighting the machine is all right only if you don't make some sort of cause out of it. As for Discordianism, there isn't really anything anyone can do to make the rest of Discordians do what you want them to. Especially since we like watching various people fight the machine or the state or the milkman for the entertainment. Sure we like to Mindfuck and do other things, but whoever said any one of us needed an actual reason to do so? You want your Discordianism, yet you want it with half-cliched post-left revolutionary phrases borrowed from the pathetic milk-fed suburban middle-class to justify why they hate their lives.
Forget about it, then. Just move along and do your thing. And the rest of us will do ours.
Just remember not to scream too loudly when the cops pick you up. One of them might just be into torturing you for no reason. You could blame it on Eris, but it still wouldn't make your version of Discordianism any more real. Sucker! There are some other things about Discordianism that I will now get into so you may as well....
Never mind. More cans of worms will be opened later.