The Five Apostles
Since Eris didn't go through a single avatar phase (rather, she keeps incorporating so often it's starting to piss me off), her main Apostles were spead through time, rather than concentrated in one area. As a result, though, they have been able to make significant contributions to cultures and ages throughout history.

Even so, the "official" listing of the Five Apostles is a constant source of argument. Some of the Apostles have become so reclusive that they are difficult to distinguish from fictional people. Every so often, some upstart Discordian takes a run at Hung Mung and tries to get him kicked off the list. All in all, there's not nearly the level of job security one would see in Apostlehood in comparable religions.

The Principia lists several of the accomplishments of each of the Apostles. Many others are passed down through oral traditions and ancient writings. Still others are added from pure bullshit passed off as fact, often by Discordians who are drunk and/or speaking to the incredibly gullible.

From the Principia Discordia:

=THE FIVE APOSTLES OF ERIS &
WHO THEY BE =


1. HUNG MUNG
A Sage of Ancient China and Official Discordian Missionary to the Heathen Chinee. He who originally devised THE SACRED CHAO. Patron of the Season of Chaos. Holyday: Jan 5. [5 Chaos]
Hung Mung, by inventing the Sacred Chao and promptly getting ripped off by the Taoists, inadvertently started the fine Discordian tradition of ripping others off intellectually wherever possible. The whole Principia Discordia itself is Kopyrighted "All Rights Reversed", as are these pages, as are most Discordian writings. This is because we believe that a truly Good Idea lives a life of its own, and doggedly claiming it as one's personal property is piggish. Besides, it's also a lot easier to steal crap from other people than to make it all up all by yourself. Hell, look at the Book of Genesis - where would that be without thhe Babylonian creation myths?

Hung Mung's element is Orange, and he is often willing to intercede in situations where a dearth of Orange is causing discomfort (such as waiting in line at the DMV or the realization that one is growing old and fat), but he will generally spend more time grousing about the whole Sacred Chao/Yin-Yang incident than helping in any productive way.

2. DR. VAN VAN MOJO A Head Doctor of Deep Africa and Maker of Fine Dolls. D.H.V., Doctor of Hoodoo and Vexes, from The Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Jesus Will Save Your Bod Home Study Bible School; and F.I.H.G.W.P., Fellow of the Intergalactic Haitian Guerrillas for World Peace. Patron of The Season of Discord. Holyday: Mar 19. [5 Discord][NOTE: Erisians of The Laughing Christ sect are of the silly contention that Dr. Mojo is an imposter and that PATAMUNZO LINGANANDA is the True Second Apostle. Lord Omar claims that Dr. Mojo heaps hatred upon Patamunzo, who sends only Love Vibrations in return. But we of the POEE sect know that Patamunzo is the Real Imposter, and that those vibrations of his are actually an attempt to subvert Dr. Mojo's rightful apostilic authority by shaking him out of his wits.
Dr. Van Van Mojo, whose element is Pungent, is one of the foremost practitioners of Erisian Magick. If you find yourself in a situation where there is an overabundance of Pungent, you may want to invoke the Apostle by quietly saying "Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan Vanvan KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF!"

While few other spells are available to the non-initiated, there is one good ol' standby that Discordians can (pretty much) always rely upon:

ERISIAN MAGIC RITUAL - THE TURKEY CURSE

Revealed by the Apostle Dr. Van Van Mojo as a specific counter to the evil Curse of Greyface, THE TURKEY CURSE is here passed on to Erisians everywhere for their just protection.

The Turkey Curse works. It is firmly grounded on the fact that Greyface and his followers absolutely require an aneristic setting to function and that a timely introduction of eristic vibrations will neutralize their foundation. The Turkey Curse is designed solely to counteract negative aneristic vibes and if introduced into a neutral or positive aneristic setting (like a poet working out word rhythms) it will prove harmless, or at worst, simply annoying. It is not designed for use against negative eristic vibes, although it can be used as an eristic vehicle to introduce positive vibes into a misguided eristic setting. In this instance, it would be the responsibility of the Erisian Magician to manufacture the positive vibrations if results are to be achieved. CAUTION- all magic is powerful and requires courage and integrity on the part of the magician. This ritual, if misused, can backfire. Positive motivation is essential for self-protection.

TO PERFORM THE TURKEY CURSE:

Take a foot stance as if you were John L. Sullivan preparing for fisticuffs. Face the particular greyfaced you wish to short-circuit, or towards the direction of the negative aneristic vibration that you wish to neutralize. Begin waving your arms in any elaborate manner and make motions with your hands as though you were Mandrake feeling up a sexy giantess. Chant, loudly and clearly:
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
The results will be instantly apparent.

While the Turkey Curse is surprisingly effective, it takes a moderately long time to set up. There is always the danger of getting one's ass kicked while adopting the John L. Sullivan stance. I recommend coupling this spell with the "Hey! Look Behind You!" cantrip.

3. SRI SYADASTI SYADAVAKTAVYA SYADASTI SYANNASTI SYADASTI CAVAKTAVYASCA SYADASTI SYANNASTI SYADAVATAVYASCA SYADASTI SYANNASTI SYADAVAKTAVYASCA commonly called just SRI SYADASTI His name is Sanskrit, and means: All affirmations are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense. He is an Indian Pundit and Prince, born of the Peyotl Tribe, son of Gentle Chief Sun Flower Seed and the squaw Merry Jane. Patron to psychedelic type Discordians. Patron of the Season of Confusion. Holyday: May 31. [5 Confusion] NOTE: Sri Syadasti should not be confused with BLESSED ST. GULIK THE STONED, who is not the same person but is the same Apostle.
Sri Syadasti (etc.) has been criticised as being somewhat of a one-trick pony, since his main recorded teaching is really just his name. Arguments have been made that Sri Syadasti's parents are really the ones who should be considered as the third Apostle (or, since really only one of them could hold the position, they should be allowed to wrestle or ro-sham-bo for it).
Talk like this is nothing less than idle sniping. The wisdom contained in Sri Syadasti's name is substantial. Read his name (in English, if the Sanskrit is a problem), really think about it, and then take a look at "simple" statements like "I am pro-choice" and "I believe in God(dess)" You'll see how disabling the notion is to many of our logical constructs.
Besides this, however, Sri Syadasti is the inventor of the famous Shaggy Dog Joke, which he once used (a la Diarmuid's Last Jest) to (at first) enthrall (and then later) impose catatonia upon a group of captors to enable his escape. Be warned, however, that the joke is only to be used for Good, and not for Evil.

4. ZARATHUD THE INCORRIGIBLE, sometimes called ZARATHUD THE STAUNCH A hard nosed Hermit of Medieval Europe and Chaosphe Bible Banger. Dubbed "Offender of The Faith." Discovered the Five Commandments. Patron of the Season of Bureaucracy. Holyday: Aug. 12 [Bureaucracy 5]
Zarathud's discovery of the Five Commandments (more commonly known as the Pentabarf is enough to guarantee his placement among the top five Apostles. He also happens to be the center of a cycle of stories chronicling his exploits, some of which actually happened, few of which were written by people other than Zarathud. He became the Patron Saint of the season of Bureaucracy when he (purportedly) helped the Mayans to organize their religion. He convinced them to take every whim of the High Priest and codify it, then appoint an assistant to oversee each specific rule. The already bloated priestly caste swelled to enormous size, the priestly tasks of announcing the beginning of the planting cycle and opening the harvest lapsed, and the once-proud Mayan empire simply vanished.
The Principia also tells the tale of Zarathud's enlightenment.
= ZARATHUD'S ENLIGHTENMENT =

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers.

One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.

"Tell me, you dumb beast." demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile. What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?"

Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".*

Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody could understand Chinese.

* "MU" is the Chinese ideogram for NO-THING
"Mu" is also the response that Zen masters give to a question that cannot be answered. It is, therefore, an integral part of the famous Buddhaist joke: 
		Q: How do you get a cat to say "Moo"?

		A: Ask it if a dog has Buddha nature.
5. THE ELDER MALACLYPSE A wandering Wiseman of Ancient Mediterrania ("Med-Terra" or middle earth), who followed a 5-pointed Star through the alleys of Rome, Damascus, Baghdad, Jerusalem, Mecca and Cairo, bearing a sign that seemed to read "DOOM". (This is a misunderstanding. The sign actually read "DUMB". Mal-1 is a Non-Prophet.) Patron and namesake of Mal-2. Patron on The Season of The Aftermath. Holyday: Oct 24. [Aftermath 5]
The Elder Malaclypse is easily the creepiest Apostle. He's the one who is expected to appear in Whittier, California, with a sign that actually does say "DOOM". He has recently been seen following that same 5-pointed star through Hartselle, Alabama, and Dar-es-Salaam. He's the patron saint of the Season of Aftermath. and his element is Boom. How weird is that?

Some sources suggest that Malaclypse the Elder is just misunderstood, and that his habit of walking through streets with a sign that says "DUMB" is just his idea of self-depricating humor. Whatever. Just look at the guy's picture, fer chrissakes! What's he even supposed to be? He doesn't look like anything?

As far as getting his help on anything, forget it. The best you could hope to do is summon him with a beacon that looks suspiciously like a five-pointed star, and even if that worked, he'd just creep everybody out for a while and move on. Rumor has it that he only got to be an Apostle because Hung Mung owed him some money and Eris was too creeped out by him to kick him off the rolls.


Greyface
[missing]
WE will post the pics when we find them!