The Power of Prayer
The Principia Discordia
has this to say about Prayer:

ON PRAYER

Mal-2 was once asked by one of his Disciples if he often prayed to Eris. He replied with these words:
No, we Erisians seldom pray, it is much too dangerous. Charles Fort has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a drought, and then praying fervently -- and then getting the entire village wiped out in a torrential flood.

Clearly, then, Prayer is something that is extremely powerful and should be used with the greatest caution, if at all. You might be one of those special individuals to whom Eris pays close attention, and all your prayers will be answered promptly. Hopefully, you aren't as cursed as all that and you are like most of us schmucks - you heave your petitions skyward and receive a celestial 404 Not Found message in return. The problem is that Eris is a very busy Goddess and doesn't have time to muck about in the petty matters of the world, unless it makes for a good time. Approaching her directly isn't going to amount to much.

This is actually pretty good news, though. Prayer basically assumes that you have a better idea what should be going on than She What Is In Charge, and you're kind enough to let Her in on the secret. Even though calling Divine attention to your own hubris is a good way of making your situation more interesting for onlookers, it's still a riskier path than most of us would like to follow. The Discordian outlook on prayer, then, can only help. It says, "Hey, pal, you don't like it? Either deal with it or git off yer lazy ass and do something about it."

But what about those situations when, despite the risk, you just feel you need a little assist from Beyond? Fortunately, other religions have done the leg work here and figured out what to do in situations where your God/dess can't be bothered by your petty desires - INTERCESSIONS!

Intercessions, quite simply, are when you ask somebody else to pray for you. (It seems that God/desses are notoriously poor bookkeepers and are actually quite vulnerable to polling box frauds such as this one.) Unless you're stupid as well as needy, you'll get some high powered saint, demigod, or spirit that specializes in whatever problem you're having ("St. Jephrehad of the Itchy Bottom, Ora Pro Nobis..."). That way, you can go about your business secure in the knowledge that somebody else is shouldering the burden of your entreaties.

Q. But Ffungo, does it really work?
A. Well, maybe, maybe not. You may be praying for inner peace or enlightenment, in which case your prayer could be a form of meditation and could very well work. Or, you could be trying to work the Santa Claus angle (getting the Big Being Upstairs to kowtow to your will and give you whatever your greedy little heart desires), in which case you'll find that things either happen or don't. Either way, though, if you sucker someone else into pulling the load, they'll get tagged if your chosen Deity is having a Bad Day - it's a win-win for you!

Q. Ok, Ffungo, assuming that I buy this, whom should we get to Ora Pro Nobis?
A. Well, personally, I prefer to ask the following types:
  • Celebrities - but only cool ones, not lame soap opera stars and such. Ask Liz Phair to help you with that destructive relationship, Timothy Leary to help you find good drugs, or Dennis Miller to help you find a witty rejoinder to that smug asshole who dissed you in front of people.
  • Fictional Characters - preferably from cartoons. Bugs Bunny will always be more real than Humbert Humbert, simply because we have seen the former and have had to imagine the latter. (If this is wrong, and there is a cartoon version of Lolita out there, please let me know.)
  • Actual Saints - Discordian ones are a little chancy - these guys will probably tell Eris that you want her to turn all of your underwear into green steel wool just for a laugh. If you want ones from Major Religions, I suggest ones like St. Christopher, who was later determined to be fictional.
  • The Beatus Ffungo - I have no supernatural powers (and limited natural ones) - hell, I'm not even a Saint yet, but I'd be glad to take a stab at it out of Discordian Neighborliness

If you get any really good results, let me know about it. I could assemble a ranked list of interceders, or maybe even get my own cable show...."Welcome to the Beatus Ffungo's Prayer Hour! Today we'll be asking Popeye and Beavis to help us pray to have my driving records cleaned up!"


About Eris
[Missing Page as of yet.]

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