Bill Gates Jokes

Yes, it's personal. I HATE Billy Gates.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of Beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied God.

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a few second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair

There were three engineers in a car ; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. Thecockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen", he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack".

While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year.......

Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss.

Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?

Bill: Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated.

Contractor: Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.

Bill: We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.

Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.

Bill: Stacker?

Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done.

Bill: Uh... I dunno... issue two is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way.

Contractor: Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.

Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?

Contractor: Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.

Bill: You're kidding!?

Contractor: Nope. Its the only way.

Bill: sigh, Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. Then the water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work.

Contractor: That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.

Bill: And how do I fix that?

Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work.

Bill: That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?

Contractor: Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it.

Bill: And when will this be fixed?

Contractor: Oh, in your next house which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays...

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