Misc. Jokes; Page 3
A young man and his wife were going golfing together for the first time... The young man was kind of worried. His wife had never played before, and there were quite a few expensive houses near the green. Sure enough, after playing a few holes, the woman whacked the golf ball right into the window of someone's home.
They walked up to the house, and rang the bell. An odd looking man answered the door. "Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I were out playing together for the first time, and she accidentally broke your window."
"Oh, no, thank YOU. You see, I am a genie, and I had been trapped in that blasted window for hundreds of years. You have freed me, and I will now grant you each one wish!!"
After thinking for a moment, the woman wished for a mansion with 10 bedrooms, a HUGE kitchen, and numerous fireplaces. Her husband wished for millions of dollars. "Very well," the genie said "your wishes have been granted. And now, I have a request of my own. You see, having been trapped for hundreds of years, I have not been with a woman in QUITE some time. May I have the pleasure of being with your wife??"
The couple discussed it for a moment, and decided that since they were getting their wishes, that it would be okay to help the genie out... So, the genie takes the young wife upstairs and has his way with her... After they are finished, the young woman exclaims "Man, I cannot BELIEVE I am getting my dream house! This is SO great!!!" The genie turns to the woman and says "You know what I can't believe? That your husband is stupid enough to believe in genies!!!"
A lonely old man decided that maybe a pet would keep him from feeling so alone, so he went to a pet store and looked around. He noticed a beautiful parrot in the back, and asked the store owner how much it was. It was in his price range, so he bought the bird, and took him home. Over the next couple of days, the man was very annoyed to find out that the bird was not properly potty trained. So, the next time he caught the bird relieving itself on his floor, he stuck the bird in the freezer. While the bird was being punished, the man got a phone call, and forgot all about the bird... So, after about 30 mintues, the man finally remembered the poor bird. He opened the freezer, and said "Do you know why I punished you?" The parrot replies "Y...y...yes...." "And are you ever going to do that again?" the man asks... "N..N...No", the parrot replies. "Good, then you may come out of the freezer." The parrot hesitates a moment and says "J..j....just one q...q...q...question. W..w...w...what'd the t...t...turkey do?"
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes across a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man. "I'm lost" said the man "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," said the Chinese man "but on one condition. If you so much a lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Okay," replied the man, as he entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came downstairs. she was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man, as she could not keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the Chinese man's words, he ignored her and went upstairs to bed. During the night, he could bear it no longer, and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to be very quiet so that the old man wouldn't hear, and near dawn, he crept back to his own room for a nap. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest... Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock upon his chest with a note on it that read "Chinese torture #1: Large rock on chest." The man thought "Well, if that's the best he can do, I have nothing to worry about", and tossed the rock out of the window. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle". In a panic, he glanced down and saw that the rope was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window. As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign which read "Chinese torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost..."
Why doesn't Oklahoma have a professional football team??
Because if they had one, Texas would want one too....
Why did the Dallas Cowboys have to switch from real grass to astro turf??
Because the Cowboys kept smoking the grass and sniffing the lines....
Did you hear about the new Steelers cologne???
Put in on, and the other guy scores.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. he woman's face was burned severly. The doc told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin... However, the only place suitable to the doc was his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because, after all, it was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded by the woman's beauty. She looked even better than she had before! All of her friends and relatives just ranted and raved about her youthful beauty. When she was alone with her husband one day, she said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!" To which he replied "Oh, don't worry, honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother kisses you on the cheek."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin. He clicked off the light and froze. When he heard nothing more, he clicked the light back on and continued his searching. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, he once again heard "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around, looking for the source. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest upon a parrot.
"Did YOU say that?" he hissed.
"Yes," the parrot confessed. "I'm just trying to warn you."
"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?"
"Moses." Replied the parrot.
"MOSES??" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
To which the parrot replied "The same kind that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'"
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him." So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please." "Where are you?" shouts the homeowner. The stranger slurs, "I'm over here, on your swing."