10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as
not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the
label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live
alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a
woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with
you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby & picked up as soon as the movie has
ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot
hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund & a
clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the
deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS
has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to
bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
