Cooking with Schwartz

"Konnichiwa, minna-san! Rhole here once again, bringing you your fave yaoi cooking
show! *smileywaves to the audience* Due to the....um.... 'difficulties' we had with last
week's show *nervous grin*, the network thought it would be in our best interests {aka
we don't get slaughtered by rampant yaoi fans} to have another special, except the
bishounen will actually BE here this time!" 

[psychotic cheering from audience] 

"Before we begin, I have some sad news...my Aya-glomping co-host, Kanashimi Rain,
was unable to be with us for today's show. It seems that urgent business came up, and she
had to do some unexpected travel...^_^()" 

{flashback. Rhole and Rain are talking. After the show's topic is explained, Rain
screams, chibifies, runs around, screams more, de-chibifies, bangs head against a wall,
and finally runs through the nearest wall and out of sight. Rhole does an anime fallout...} 

"Okies, then! Minna-san, now for today's show...Cooking with Schwartz!!" 

[more shrill fangirl screams from the audience, who are from the yaoi ml's. as usual.] 

"Now, I'm sure these yummy bishys need no introduction... *tries not to drool*
Minna-san, please welcome Brad--" 

[walks out, adjusting his glasses. A few drooling fangirls shout sickenly-sweet nicknames
for Braddy, who blushes slightly. Studio is temp. blinded from sea of flashbulbs
capturing immortal Brad-blush.] 

*rubs at her eyes*"...Schu-honey--"
[walks out, grinning and blowing kisses. Half the audience dies of bishounen overload.] 

"Nagi-kun..."
[walks out, solemn as ever. Janitors mop up puddles of melting fans.] 

".... and Farfie!" 
[stalks out, licking an icepick and eyeing the audience with bloodlust. Rhole ducks under
the counter, covering her ears from the familiar sonic blast of cheers coming from the
FFU. Part of the wall behind her has disentegrated. SWAT team is ushered in once more.] 

*grins nervously upon seeing said wall* "Tonikaku...let's get started...Brad, why don't you
go first? Tell us, what's your favorite dessert?" 

Braddy: ". . ."
[S I L E N C E. . .Then, Schu-honey saunters over to Brad...] 

"Rhole-chan, would you hold these?" *hands her his shades*
"H...HAI!!!" *beams*
"C'mon Braddykins...no need to be shy..."
[crazy laughter fills the air upon hearing Braddykins. Flashbulbs light up the room once
more. Rhole puts on Schu-honey's shades.] 

"get off Schuldich..." *tries to push him away*
"awww....you're no fun..." 
[Schu-honey's hand travels to "that" place. cue passionate moans. Schu x Brad fans begin
chanting in German.] 

"Saa, minna! As you can cleary see, Braddy's fave dessert in none other than...me. He's
my fave too." *cute Schu wink* 

[Shouts of "I KNEW IT!" fill the air.] 

"Well, if you'll excuse us... *winks at everyone as he carries a struggling and blushing
Brad offstage.*
*blinks a few times, still daydreaming and on the verge of nosebleeding again* "Ah,
m-moving right along...Nagi-kun,Omi-kun's not here...did you have another recipie to
show us?..."
"Not really. I'll be leaving before he gets any ideas..." *points to the Farf*
[Nagi floats offstage. Poutscreamwhine from Nagi-lovers.] 

"Well, I guess that just leaves you. . .Farfarello. . .you were here last week as well, but
since Schu-honey and Braddy are currently 'occupied' and Nagi-kun's left, we've got 25
minutes of airtime to fill..." *looks around worriedly*
"Looks that way. That's a lovely black skirt your wearing..."
"Ariga--!" *pauses* "Um...yeah..." 
"...black. red and black. they go well together, ne?" 

[Farf twists the handle of the icepick, and the blade appears. He inches towards Rhole.
Everything becomes eerily quiet. Rhole wishes she were with Rain right about now...] 

{scene jump!}
[Rain is leaning over a bench, gasping for air. Across the street is a small gas station,
with a sign that says "Welcome to Santa Claus, IN"(1).] 

"Poor Rhole-chan...but she CHOSE to do this...! *sighs* I should go help her... I wonder
if I can bribe Aya into picking me up..." *grins deviously* 

[Rain goes off to buy an Orange Julius, scheming up ways to convince the red-head to
pick her up in the middle of nowhere, and how to save her tomodachi from a NOT
pleasant end...]
{/scene jump!} 

[back to Rhole, who is NOT in the best of situations. All the Farf fans are entranced by
his totemo-sugoi-Farf-ness, while the SWAT team members are scared as all get out.] 

"g--gonna die, don't wanna, gonna die, kami-sama tasukete..." 
*gulps and slowly backs away from the knife-licking maniac*
/of all days to forget my umbrella...SHIMATTA!/
/Hold on! This IS FARFIE here! The one impervious to pain, remember??!/
Oh yeah. Well, isn't this JUST #("$&(@! LOVELY!! I'm gonna die, and I haven't even
dominated the world yet.../ 

[Wee--ll, this looks like the end for the kawaii umbrella-wielding-bishounen hunter, until
a heavenly light shone from above...] 

"DAH!! Can't see...!!!" 
[looking up, she sees Rain, leaning over a spotlight and yelling at her to get the hell outta
dodge. Farf raises the knife high, about to strike, when divine revelation comes...] 

"CHOTTO MATTE! I don't have to put up with this...I'M THE AUTHOR!!" 

[Rhole jumps out of the way, hearing the infamous Farf-Xena-war cry, just as Farfie
destroys the counter. Rain drops her a rope. Before she takes it, she gets an idea...] 

"Minna-san, I have a suprise for you all...since this is our final broadcast, the network
thought it'd be fitting to leave our wonderful viewers with a gift. The Farf is YOURS.
Whoever catches him, gets to keep him FOREVER!!!" 

[Rhole tugs on the rope, being lifted up as a sandbag comes crashing down in her place.
Farf sqeaks as the rampant memebers of the FFU surround him, grinning mischeviously
and holding various sharp pointy objects (stolen from the SWAT team). With another
war cry, the girls cut loose, destroying the studio once more. Network is sued by SWAT
team.] 

**** 

"Rain-chan, mind explaining where'd you go after your lil' hissyfit?"
"Are? Um...Santa Claus, IN..."
". . . *sweatdrops* sooooo...how did you get back?"
(Rain smiles and points to a white Taurus) 

(Rhole screams as her eyes bug out) "A--A--AYA!!???" But how??!! When???"
"Oh, that's easy...I told him he'd get paid." ^,^
"My job is done. Where's my money?"
"Ah, you'll have to dicuss payment with my boss..." 
*grins as she shoves Rhole in front of Aya* 

"Nani??!! What are you talking about Rain??!! Besides, I only have 3 bucks on me..."
"...three....DOLLARS...??!!!" *grabs katana*
"RAIN!!!! KOROSHITE AGERU(2)!!!" *chases*
"Gomen nasai!!! I was only only joking...!" *runs like hell*
"MATTE!! I haven't been paid yet!" *joins the chase, swinging his katana*
[And thus concludes our broadcast day. Thank you for watching.]
{ending program image: Farf running for his life, the FFU in hot pursuit} 

~*Owari*~ 

Endnotes:
1. BELIEVE ME. Santa Claus, Indiana DOES exist (I've been there), and it IS the middle
of nowhere. 
2. Koroshite ageru: I'll kill you

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