Uncle Yohji's Book of Love: Schruldig's Book of 'Love'

[Therapist's office. Aya is sitting on the couch, arms crossed over 
his chest.]

Aya: I don't know why I'm here. I'm not crazy. Yohji's the crazy one.

Therapist: Could you, ah, put down the letter opener?

Aya: I'll think about it.

Therapist: I've asked you here to talk about Yohji-san. Has he been 
improving?

Aya: No, he's exactly the same as he was before. Except now he smokes 
an extra pack a day and complains a lot more. I think he's trying to 
kill me. Or kill all the flowers and run us out of business. The 
bastard. I'll kill him. TAKETORI!

Therapist: Ack!

Aya: Sorry. I do that sometimes.

Therapist: Erm, could you just tell me what happened claimed all 
these weird things occured?

Aya: It all started when Yohji was telling me one of his stories. You 
know, the kind that make you never want to look at a woman again.

Therapist: Aren't you suppose to say 'no offense'?

Aya: I meant to offend you.

Therapist: Oh.

Aya: Anyway, I've gotten to the point where I have a mental block 
against his voice. But he was standing so close I couldn't keep it 
out. Then Ken came down the stairs and... Well, since I equate Ken 
with sex, I thought, 'Why, God, why?' /mutters/ He did that on 
purpose.

Therapist: Yohji?

Aya: God.

Therapist: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or serious.



*** The Other Day ***

Yohji: Hey, Aya-kun, guess what happened to me.

Aya: //Mental block, mental block... Think of something else. 
Taketori... Yeah, revenge. How I'd like to sink my katana deep into 
his flesh.//

Yohji: ...Then she grabbed onto my ankles...

Aya: //TAKETORI! TAKETORI! Blood oozing from his open wounds!//

Yohji: ...The next thing I knew, the monkey was throwing my boxers 
around!...

Aya: //SAD THOUGHTS! Think sad thoughts! My puppy that got ran over 
by a car when I was six! My parents being killed by Taketori! Oh, why 
didn't I love them more?!?//

Ken: /enters shop/ Hey, Aya!

Aya: No sex tonight.

Ken: Dammit! Yohji!

Yohji: /cackles evilly/



*** Present ***

Therapist: Did he really--?

Aya: Yes.



*** The Other Day ***

[Black car drives up across the street and parks.]

Aya: Hmm, suspicious.

[Omi and Nagi exit the car and walk across the street to the shop.]

Omi: Hi, guys! This is my new boyfriend Na-- er, Ned.

Aya: You look familiar.

Nagi: No, I don't.

Ken: Aren't you a little too young?

Nagi: I may be two years younger but, well, you know how love is.

Aya: You look really, really familiar.

Nagi: No, I don't.

Aya: Must just be Yohji messing with my head again.

Yohji: /kicks over plant/

Aya: Yohji!

Yohji: I didn't do it!

Ken: The plant just dropped itself?

Yohji: Actually, yeah.

Everyone: /silence/

Yohji: I'll go now.

Aya: You do that.

Nagi: Come on, Omi, we have to start our homework.

Omi: Uh, yeah, homework.

Yohji: /leaves/

Aya: No sex tomorrow either.

Ken: Dammit!

Aya: Do you know how easy it would to just, say, push him down the 
stairs?

Ken: Maybe Yohji should have an 'accident.' He, he.

Aya: Yeah, but who will touch him?

Aya and Ken: /shudder/



*** Present ***

Therapist: Do you really hate him that much?

Aya: He's greasy. Both literally and metaphorically.


THE GREASE FILES

1.) Case #G001305

Ken: Hey, Yohji, why is your hair wet?

Yohji: It's not.

Ken: Now that's just nasty.

2.) Case #G002511

[Boys are in Kitty in the House. Aya is tending the roses. Omi's 
sweeping. Ken is washing the windows. Yohji is moving plants around.]

Omi: Jeeze, where are all these puddles coming from? Look, there's 
one here, and here... and here...

[The puddles lead up to Yohji, who's standing in the middle of one.]

Omi: /drops broom, covers eyes, and screams/

Ken: Oh my God!

Aya: Everybody out, everybody out! We have a leak!

Yohji: I don't feel so good...

3.) Case #G02953

Omi: Great, my fries are too dry.

Yohji: Mine are extra greasy.

Aya: /pushes fries away/

Ken: I just can't eat with him!

Omi: And I was hungry, too!



*** Present ***

Therapist: Maybe you should suggest to him that he bathes everyday.

Aya: He does. It's the grease within his dirty, dirty soul.

Therapist: /cough/ Let's get back to the story, shall we?

Aya: Right. Ken and I were minding our own business--

Therapist: And planning Yohji's demise?

Aya: That too. Anyway, Yohji started 'running' back to the store.

Therapist: 'Running'?

Aya: You ever have one of those dreams where you have to run but you 
can't get away because everything's in slow motion? That's what this 
looked like.



*** The Other Day ***

Aya: Get the stopwatch.

Ken: Already have it.

Aya and Ken: /watch as Yohji struggles/

Ken: The rapid rise and fall of his chest is almost hypnotic.

Aya: I'm suddenly having pleasant thoughts.

Aya and Ken: /eyes glaze over/ Oooh.



*** Present ***

Aya: That's when we were attacked.

Therapist: Attacked? By whom?

Aya: Schwarz, those black-hearted spawns of Satan.

Therapist: Who or what is Schwarz?

Aya: Our rival flower shop. They make lovely wreath arrangements in 
the holiday season. But they will never beat our prized roses!



*** The Other Day ***

Brad: /kicks open the door to the store, brandishing a gun/ It's your 
turn to die, Weiss bastards!

Aya: /flying through the air/ Shi-NE!

[Aya and Brad fight. Aya is clearly superior. Brad is backed into a 
corner. The gun is knocked from his hands.]

Brad: I knew that was going to happen.

Aya: /points katana at Brad's neck/ Omae o korosu.

Brad: /grabs random bouquet/ I would like to buy these, scum.

Taketori: /enters shop/ Mwhahahahahaha!

Aya: Kisama!



*** Present ***

Aya: Crawford was defeated. He knew in his heart I was the victor. 
Yet I could not kill a customer. It was dishonorable. Oh, curse my 
large sense of honor! As for Taketori... It just wasn't the right 
time.

Therapist: Anou...

Aya: What were we talking about?

Therapist: /writes: Aya, delusional/ Aya-kun, according to Yohji's 
session, none of that happened.

Aya: Yohji's crazy.

Therapist: I want you to think back to that day. Think really hard.

Aya: /blank look/

Therapist: Really, *really* hard. Now what really happened that day?

Aya: ...Crawford came into the store and purchased a bouquet 
(prepared by me) for 250,000 yen. He was going to ask someone for 
forgiveness, and nothing says I'm sorry like... Er, anyway, the price 
was FAR higher than the suggest retail.

Therapist: Now, that wasn't too hard, was it?

Aya: /sniff/ Then Ken said I was only good for sex.

Therapist: We would deal with your problems, but I'm afraid it would 
kill me. 



*** The Other Day ***

Yohji: Ned's parents are-- /falls over/

Ken: That can't be good.

Yohji: /twitch/

Aya: We should probably help him.

Ken: Yeah.

Aya and Ken: /leave/



*** Present ***

Aya: We eventually went back and put him on top of the counter. We 
have to move him because people started throwing money at him, 
thinking he was homeless. It was bad for business.



*** The Other Day ***

Yohji: /stumbles into the kitchen/ Okay, which one of you molested me?

Aya: No one molested you.

Yohji: Bullshit. I'm too beautiful to resist.

Aya and Ken: /exchange glances/

[Loud bang from upstairs.]

Omi: Oh, YES!

Ken: I'm going to check on that. /leaves/

Yohji: Now that Ken's gone, it's okay to tell me it was him.

Aya: Yohji, listen to yourself. You're saying *Ken* molested you.

Yohji: Come on, it's always the quiet ones.

Aya: *I'm* the quiet one.

Yohji: Reeeeally.

Aya: /sigh/

[From upstairs...]

Ken: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Oh my God!

Omi: It's not what it looks like!

Nagi: Yes, it is.

Ken: /runs back downstairs/ Ohmigod, ohmigod!

Aya: Ken, calm down!

Yohji: What's wrong, Ken? Found out I discovered your sick plan?

Ken: Naaaniii???

Aya: Ignore him.

Nagi: /comes downstairs, buttoning up his pants/ Well, guys, it's 
been fun and all, but I have to run.

Ken: God! /buries face in hands/

Yohji: You're the one who molested me, aren't you?!?

Nagi: Whatever you say, sweet cheeks. Ja! /leaves/

Aya: I *know* I've seen him before.

Omi: /comes bouncing downstairs, whistling/ Hey, who wants some TV?



*** Present ***

Therapist: Now I'm even *more* confused.

Aya: It's not my fault if you can't comprehend the truth.

Therapist: I'm beginning to suspect the four of you aren't really 
florists.

Aya: How dare you! I don't have to take your accusations. I'm leaving.

Therapist: Whatever. Send in the little guy on your way out.



*** Owari. ***