mark

Mark, mildly spoken and charming gentlemen he is, has played many of the same sort of characters. When a bit of normality is needed, Mark's your man. But, um, not always. At all, really. While he played david before he turned into a beast, he also plays the grotesque Hilary Briss and the frankly disturbed Val Denton. Mark's talents range far, far beyond writing Dr Who books.Thankfully.

VAL DENTON: Neat, clean and very serene lady of the house at Toad Hall. Spawned a satanic set of twins and is married to a Howard Hughes type man who is obsessed with his toads. She starts the day with a fresh glass of Aqua Vitae, and plans to keep her nephew Ben in a amphibarian. He has maggots to chow on, so it's not too inhumane. Oh, and please don't spray her fabrics with sticky white love piss, semen is such a persistant stain.

BEST LINE: Harvey: "Drink, drink, and hope that we may be more like him and his protachian friends!" (gleefully slurps his piss, spilling it all over himself and Ben) Val:(to Ben) "Or would you prefer tea?"

HILARY BRISS: Royston Vasey's resident family butcher, a jolly man who likes animals. On his slab. Disembered. He likes to take long, leisurely walks in the forest in the dead of night. He peddles his "special stuff" to his best customers, which mysteriously gives them terminal nosebleeds. His wife is a cow. Literally.

BEST LINE: "I've had a special delivary..." (licks lips sinisterly)

MATTHEW CHINNERY: The kind hearted veterinary who cycles through the town on his bike, bringing peace and harmony to all he passes. Except for the animals, who meet horrific and tragic ends when he touches them, due to the curse of Karrit Poor. Don't even let your dog sniff his crotch.

BEST LINE: (after the death of the boy with the eagle) "Yes, I think it will be hard to separate them."

LES MC QUEEN: The ageing hipster who still hasn't recovered from his glory days as the rhythm guitarist of Creme Brulee, one time Eurovision finalists. He got his guitar off him that writes songs for Paper Lace, right good sense of humour. It's a shit business.

BEST LINE: "Everybody knew me round here. I'd walk into a urinal and heads would turn."

MICKEY: Pauline's faithful Restart lapdog, with a mullet to match his moth eaten 80s trousers and Grandad jumper. He wants to be a fireman, and might show you his helmet if you ask him nicely. He has an endearing face of acne, and one brain cell that is constantly asleep. Mickey-love has been on the restart course 63 times, and knows Pauline better than anyone, and even her Trisha /flicking habit and blatant dykeness will not douse his love for her.

BEST LINE: (Pauline showing him the Big Issue...) "There's articles, stories...look, Mickey love, pictures!!!"
Mickey: (lunges forward) "Yarghhhhh!"

AL: Pops' stuck up son and the only Creme Brulee fan in existence. He's emotional and highly strung, and his favourite film is the "Assmaster". Pops thinks he's a mary-queen, a shitstabber, and since the only girlfriend he ever had ran away, he may be right.

BEST LINE: "Pops was the only one to have the vision to sell Ginster's Pasties in a newsagents. We owe him, Rich!"

BRIAN: Geoff's long suffering friend, who nicked his wife Katy and would say that wolves did it. Timid and quiet, he shats his pants everytime Geoff pulls a gun on him. I mean, how shitless can you get?

BEST LINE: (Geoff) "I've decided to turn over a new leaf."
Brian:"I'm glad to hear that Geoff cos sometimes you can be a right psycho!"

IRIS KRELL: The tactless and scrummy cleaner at chez Levenson. She would've had enough children to make a football team, if she hadn't had that still birth, and loves to divulge sordid information to Mrs Levenson about her and Ron's bedtime exploits. "USE ME!"

BEST LINE: "Oh, well, it's always been like that for me and my Ron, this way, that way, some of it barely legal, and I'm lying there thinking, will this pleasure never end?"