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Agent Whitney: Well as long as we're gonna humiliate someone, might as well be LAPD.
Carter: Fifty million dollars?! Man, who you think you kidnapped? Chelsea Clinton?
Carter: This is the United States of James Carter here. I'm the president, I'm the emperor, I'm the king. I'm Michael Jackson, you Tito!
Carter: You sorry? I got somebody’s old chopsticks stuck up my ass and all you gotta say to me is you sorry?
Carter: Man, what’s wrong with you? You don’t jump in front of a black man in a buffet line.
Carter: Lee, let me introduce you to Carter’s Theory of Criminal Investigation: follow the rich white man.
Carter: I’m tellin’ you Lee. Give me 6 months. 6 months and I’m going to be in Washington DC protecting the President.
Lee: We both know you’d never take a bullet for someone else.
Carter: Yeah, but they don’t know that.
Carter: Oh, I know I don’t think I see what I see what I’m thinking.
Lee: I’ll bitch-slap you back to Africa.
Harry: I was thinking the same thing.
Lloyd: That John Denver is full of shit, man.
Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling.
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work fourty hours a week.
Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Lloyd: I'm talkin about a place where the beer flows like wine, where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin about Aspen.
Harry: I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.
Fletcher: Stop breaking the law, asshole!
Bum: Sir, can you spare a little change?
Fletcher: Yes I could.
Bum: Well, will you?
Fletcher: No.
Bum: Why not?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap.
Receptionist: Do you like my new dress?
Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!
Max Reid: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.
God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead people, what are you gonna do?
Hades: Memo to me, memo to me. Maim you after my meeting.
Phil: Two words: I am retired.
Hades: The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death? Hmm... is there a catch?
Hades: How sentimental. You know I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.
Hercules: Wow, what a day, first that restaurant by the bay and then that, that play, that-that-that Oedipus thing. Man, I thought I had problems.
Meg: Megara, my friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends.
Jack Byrnes: Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not--hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No...
Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION!
Greg Focker: The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip, then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown!
Greg Focker: You can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
Dr. Ben Sobol: When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind!
Guard: What kind of sandwich ain't too fattening?
Jelly: A half a sandwich.
Boss Paul Viti: If I turn fag, you die.
Dr. Ben Sobol: Oedipus was a Greek king who killed his father and married his mother.
Boss Paul Viti: F***ing Greeks.
Dominic: Times are changing. You've got to change with the times.
Boss Paul Viti: What, am I supposed to get a f***ing website?
Primo: I'd like to see a movie, but it's nothing but this shoot-em-up action bullshit. I get enough of that at work.
Jimmy: You think those whales piss in that water?
Jelly: No, I think they use the men's room next to the Burger King.
Wesley: That does put a damper on our relationship
Inigo Montoya: I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have six fingers on you right hand?
Wesley: Do you always begin conversations this way?
Wesley: You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Buttercup: We’ll never survive
Wesley: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no on ever has.
Junior: I'm what? Why don't you speak English lady.
Principal Peabody: Oh, whoa, oh. Did something crawl in here and die?
Trixie: I wouldn’t do that if I were you
Junior: If I were you, I wouldn’t do a lot of things. Like go out in public.
Scott Calvin: He’s not a doctor, he’s a psychiatrist.
Scott Calvin: And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there’s no Santa Claus. I think if we’re going to destroy our son’s illusions, I should be a part of it.
Scott Calvin: Charlie, do you know ho to call 911?
Charlie: Sure, 9-1-1.
Charlie: Look, you’re flying
Scott/Santa: It’s okay, I’m used to it. I lived through the 60s.
Buzz: No. For 3 reasons. A: I’m not that lucky. 2: We have smoke detectors. And D: we live on the most boring street in the United States of America where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
Kevin’s brother: He went shopping? He doesn’t know how to tie his shoes and he’s going shopping?
STAR WARS: EPISODE I QUOTES
AS GOOD AS IT GETS QUOTES
A KNIGHTS TALE QUOTES
X-MEN QUTOES
EVER AFTER QUOTES
AUSTIN POWERS: INT'L MAN OF MYSTERY QUOTES
TITANIC QUOTES
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