THE ALCHEMIST (1984) Forgotten, even before I reviewed it What crap. Richard Band's classy, evocative score is so glaringly inappropriate for this sat-on-the-shelf-for-several-years cine-turd that I have to hope that it was recycled later on for a better film. An 1871 prologue shows us...I don't remember, something about a curse. Flash forward to 1955 and a chick with psychic visions (gah!) picks up a hitchhiker, and has her visions while driving, resulting in two (TWO!) reckless driving scenes. Despite a rocky start to their relationship, they start swappin' spit in short order, and then there are some demons from hell...or, really, let's call them what they are, little gremlins. (Oh, great, you hit a gremlin with your car, and you get out to go look and see what it is, great idea) Robert Ginty wants them to break his curse, or something. Hell if I remember, I saw this movie weeks ago and all I've got to go on to write this is my notes, and I can't even read the goddamned things. Excruciatingly slow pace. Satan in this movie sounds an awful lot like Jabba the Hutt. There's one accidental impalement, which further demonstrates to me that impalements are funniest when they happen because somebody slipped on something. Concludes with a nice body-cut-in-half gore bit, and a pretty unconvincing face-melting. Not exactly mapping the genome, figuring out why this movie sat on the shelf for much of the early 80's. Director Charles Band wisely cowers behind a pseudonym here. Weird, how some shots provoke unintended laughter by the way their incompetence destroys the whole illusion necessary for movie-watching, like the red ball of light from offscreen. Best part? After the credits, there's an amusing trailer for The Dungeonmaster, a movie I wanted to see more than anything in the whole world when I was in grade six. I don't remember anything about this movie, directly. BACK TO THE A's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE