ALIEN FURY: COUNTDOWN TO EXTINCTION (2000) Tick tock, time to eject This movie is bad as only a made-for-TV movie starring a pro wrestler can be bad. It's the kind of movie which gives us an aerial establishing shot of the Pentagon, and gives us subtitles that say "THE PENTAGON - WASHINGTON D.C.". It's the kind of alien invasion movie which is so cheap that when it comes time to show us the aliens, it basically tells us that they look exactly like humans but have some slightly different internal organs (which they don't show us). Like an episode of The X-Files, drawn out and watered down, this movie gives us pictures of an alien armada on the moon...or is it a hoax? It gives us asthmatics...or are they aliens? It gives us men trying to save the earth...or are they trying to destroy it? You get the idea. Dale Midkiff is the government guy who might be a hero or a villain, who might be cheating on his hottie wife with a hottie coworker, who might be an alien or a human. Chyna plays the security guard who keeps killing on command (but on whose?), and somebody whose name I can't recall and don't care to look up, a cop who gets involved in the mess, the only character here who can reasonably be counted on to be who he says he is. A satellite looking at the moon is destroyed, but not before transmitting some damning-looking pics of alien invasion craft on the other side. What is the human race to do? The cast all looks bored and maybe more than a little ashamed of themselves, at least Grace Phillips showing some nice cleavage at every possible opportunity, leaving one to wonder just why the government guy's cheating on her. Chyna is, at least presence-wise, an interesting mix. Sure, she's a hulking be-she-moth who could probably crush your skull between her ass-cheeks, and after years in the pro-wrestling biz, she knows all about glaring at people. But she also has this incongruously high-pitched voice, one I might even describe as "girly", which renders her kind of, well, kind of charming. (the same voice has not had the same effect on Mike Tyson) It's all moot in a movie like this though, as she plays a glowering security guard who always looks very determined. Even when she's chasing a guy on her motorcycle, she occasionally stops to raise her visor to show us just how determined she's looking. Inevitably, there's pro wrestling footage, and a chance for Chyna to engage in some hand-to-hand fighting with somebody. She could've just killed him, but he challenges her to a fight, and she cannot resist his taunting power. Needless to say, this is a contest she loses (probably should've just shot him, hmm?), because he cheats by using her Tazer (I didn't know these things had a "kill" setting, but then, I'm Canadian). So far as plot and dialogue goes, there's nothing here that could possibly attract anybody but suckers for punishment (guilty)...like where a civilian, sort-of-but-not-really searching a dead man's home, goes zzzip! First thing, right to the top-secret CD. Or the security guys who run blindly into a parkade and basically shout "clear!" as if they knew what they were doing. Or the nuclear missile which explodes five seconds away from the moon, sending a blinding light all over the earth. This movie is tame, lame, dopey, and even throws in a "twist" at the end which affects nothing. Frankly, I'd suspected as much as soon as I read the title. Couldn't help myself anyway. Written and directed by the guy who did the Friday The 13th movie where Jason went to Manhattan for 15 minutes. BACK TO THE R's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE