ASYLUM OF SATAN
Most pathetic movie Satan EVER!
A young concert pianist is abducted by an evil doctor (looking as Mephistophelian as he conceivably can without adding horns and a tail) and held in an asylum, which is really a house of devil worship and human sacrifice. For some reason, they think that a professional musician this hot is a virgin and thus a good candidate for a sacrifice to their evil master. Meanwhile, her fiance (some guy named Nick Jolley, wearing this absurd plaid sport coat that irresistibly brings Herb Tarlek to mind) tries to find out what the hell's going on.
Being cooped up in this place would suck massively. No cute nurses - every female employee of the asylum appears to be a man in drag. This is later confirmed when one of them takes off her "woman" mask and reveals herself to be an entirely different actor with a beard that sticks way, way out.
It's mostly pretty silly, as assorted women in the asylum are knocked off with poison gas, poison spiders, poison snakes (sometimes two at a time) (methods, not chicks)...although I did love that "poison snakes" scene. This chick in the pool has a whole bunch of 'em slither on after her en masse, and one of 'em gets her right in the face! If there's one thing that makes my skin crawl more than seeing people get bitten by poisonous snakes, it's seeing people get bitten right in the face by poisonous snakes, even if they're obviously fake.
The music is hilariously bad; an awful mishmash of disco and "ooh, scary!" keyboard stuff. Jolley sings the song "The Red Lady" in this too. The plot's what you expect, and they never really quite reveal why Satan is displeased with this offering (she apparently is a virgin according to an examination - maybe she's sucked a whole lotta dick, and as far as Satan?s concerned, that ain?t pure enough).
To its credit, this movie does have one of the coolest tag lines I've heard in a long time ("Love slaves of Satan tortured to BLOOD DRIPPING death!").
And when Satan makes his appearance, well, I had to call my sister in from the next room to see. This Satan is so, so, SO lame. Basically, it's a woman in a gorilla suit, wearing a ridiculously hokey mask that seems to owe some debt to Japanese demon masks, but looks a lot more cheesy. And if that wasn't bad enough - she shambles around like a bad parody of the Frankenstein monster, arms before her. Man, I hope there are pictures on the 'net of this. of those "Explicit horror - not recommended for persons under 17 years of age" warning labels that endear themselves to me so much.
Maybe if you're in the mood for amusingly awful cheesy crap, but naah. You can do better than this even in that department. At least it's a mercifully brief 82 minutes. The back of the box promises that we'll see "axe-chopped bodies chase lovely victims down corridors of death", but the movie fails to deliver. Actually, the back of the box is pretty cool all around. Just read that, and skip the movie.