BLOOD SURF (2000) Still waiting for a good croc movie... Sigh...when will I learn? The first rule of giant crocodile movies is that giant crocodile movies all suck. I look forward to the day when somebody breaks that rule, because nobody's done it yet. Despite an opening flashback which suggests that it's a sequel, Blood Surf is, to my knowledge, a stand-alone killer-croc flick with a little more nudity than most (yay!) and a nice (hammy) performance from Duncan Regehr as a crusty seaman (don't start), but otherwise, not much to distinguish itself. Except, of course, for one thing. The trend of "reality" TV has amply demonstrated that people will do just about anything stupid or disgusting for the chance to be on TV. And you know how when you're watching a bad horror movie, you're thinking, "Why the HELL is he doing that? He's gonna get killed!" (chomp) "See?" Well, "reality" TV gives us a solution to this problem. Why else would somebody intentionally slash their foot and surf in shark-infested waters? (standard surfing footage with a few CGI fins) To be on TV, of course. This, I can believe. So, these two surfer dudes (one of which is obnoxious, the other, REALLY obnoxious - I can see the casting call now, looking for a "Matthew Lilliard-type") are brought out to this remote south Pacific island where they will be filmed "blood surfing" by a magnificently-endowed photographer (Maureen Larrazabal). We get to see everybody's chest naked in this movie, except the one I re-he-HEALLY wanted to see. Sharks are (after too long a wait) the least of anybody's problems. While this movie isn't as consistently, thuddingly, mind-blowingly awful as Tobe Hooper's Crocodile (things actually pick up a bit in the last third), effects-wise, it's even worse, you just don't want to know. The plot isn't much better - sure, it throws a few mildly welcome curveballs, like the gang of heavily armed, uh, drug runners? revolutionaries? professional kidnappers? which show up halfway through the film and claim to own the island, unaware of the giant crocodile Regehr says pretty much has free run of the place and has for years. But still, it's a giant croc movie, and giant croc movies never pass up an opportunity to suck. One surfer dude dives into the wreckage of a recently-sunk boat to retrieve a camera...in the dark...without a light. I can only assume he's tracking the camera by smell. Later on, the camerawoman dives right into the water with the croc to photograph it, for some reason putting a whole lot of faith in the strength of that tether and harpoon which she doesn't know anything about. The right combination of insanity and an utter lack of dignity - hey, that's what it takes to get on Fear Factor. There's an outrun-the-exploding-dock scene (exactly what's causing the dock to explode?), a sappy tribute to eaten friends, and a lot of boobytraps on that island, and I'm glad to see one of them kill a human instead of the croc as predicted. The croc performs a similar flip-and-catch manoeuvre as in Hooper's film, but it's not as funny. But at least this croc doesn't spit up the obnoxious meal so he can annoy us again. And in another scene, one character gets a really nasty bitten-in-half exit. Hokey, but nasty. I liked it. Another guy surfs right down the croc's throat, and these people who just a few scenes before had performed that sappy tribute to dead friends, shrug off his death, not fazed in the slightest. And don't even ask about one guy's (successful!) "plan" to defeat the croc. This is the worst plan I've seen since that running-down-the-dock scene in The Third Society, but it actually works here! The direction by James D.R. Hickox prompts me to ask, which is more lame, a sex scene intercut with a violent-death scene, or a birth scene intercut with a violent-death scene? I haven't decided, but this movie doesn't have any births. LOTS of bad surf music in the score, too. Like we didn't get the point that these guys are surfers. And the script, well..."I guess that's what you'd call croc-teasing!" Yeah. Like I said, things pick up a little in the last third, but this is strictly one of those movies for people who never seem to learn from their own mistakes (hand up). Also known as Krocodylus. BACK TO THE B's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE