BLOODY MURDER Ironically, the murders aren't very bloody Good things about this movie: lots of pretty scenery, including a lot of cute (if kinda blandly cute) girls spending half the movie in their swimsuits. One amusing scene where a guy tries explaining to the sheriff how his friend's alibi MIGHT not hold up. Bad things about this movie: everything else. I guess it's kind of refreshing to see a movie that's so unashamed of being so unoriginal. Oh, who am I kidding, this movie sucks ass. But at least you can't say you were caught by surprise; the cover actually features the villain with a hockey mask and chainsaw. (Jason never used a chainsaw in any of the Friday the 13th movies, to the best of my recollection, so what this reminds me of most is Homer Simpson bursting in on Bart screaming out "HEYBARTDOYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWHOCKEYMASKANDCHAINSAW?!?!?!?") The back cover claims that this killer has a chainsaw instead of a left hand. At no point in the movie is it suggested that this is the case; we see him use a chainsaw twice, and he's clearly got two hands in both scenes. I can't help but think that this is a movie which, despite its R rating, was basically made for ten year old kids. The sex is implied, all with clothes on. There's some "drug use" with what are referred to as "Guam cigarettes". The gore is almost nonexistent, the violence is almost all off-screen, and by the end of the movie, most of the cast is still alive, even the killer getting off fairly easy. Just what did this get an R for, antisocial behavior? Besides, ten-year-olds are the only people who aren't going to see every single development, killing, and "twist" coming from a mile off. Bloody Murder opens with one of those totally irrelevant opening scenes where a man and a woman, driving along in the deep woods, run out of gas. Almost without a word, the guy grabs a jerry can and walks (alone) back from whence they came, leaving the woman in the car. Already, I'm wondering...isn't she going to get bored in there? They're in the deep woods. How many days is it going to take for this guy to reach the next gas station on foot? Not that it matters, cuz he runs across a guy with a hockey mask and chainsaw, who stumbles drunkenly after him (no, I'm not being a smartass, he's clearly stumbling), and for once actually uses that saw to clear trees out of his way. Scratch one dumb-ass bastard who should've known better to have not filled up. By the time this scene's over, it's completely forgotten about the woman in the car. Then we get a bunch of teenaged camp counselors getting summer camp ready for the kids, oh my GOD, this movie has no shame. It's actually kind of amusing to behold how little shame this movie has. You can even tell just who's going to have to square off against the killer at the end by another character saying "I'm so glad you decided to come". Anyway, late at night, they go out to play a game called Bloody Murder. One character goes into a long-winded explanation of just how to play Bloody Murder, and by the time he's done, nobody seems to notice that this game also goes by another, more familiar name, Hide & Seek. WHY DIDN'T HE CALL IT HIDE AND FUCKING SEEK AND SPARE US THE EXPLANATION?!?!? Then a guy shows up with a hockey mask (no chainsaw) and people die, but not before a crazy old man runs into our heroine and crazily warns her that the crazy hockey-masked killer has returned to seek his revenge. This guy even holds his face like Crazy Ralph from the first two Friday the 13th movies. And just what this mythical killer is supposed to be avenging, nobody seems to know, and nobody's curious enough to ask. There's actually a character named Jason, and go figure, he spends most of the movie being the prime suspect for all of the "disappearances" (one girl laments "Jason couldn't possibly do anything to hurt anyone!"). No matter how many camp counselors disappear from this camp, nobody seems to be concerned enough to get the counselors away from the camp, until the end of the movie, that is. At least that's one difference from the Friday films; in those movies, nobody ever noticed anybody else was missing until the end of the film if they're lucky, or moments before their own deaths if they're not. The other big difference: the prankster in this movie is NOT a fat guy. Lots of inexplicable shit happens that I can't tell if we're supposed to notice or not. Is that a big brown stain in the seat of the killer's pants? I can't tell. Right after that guy told the girl "We're friends now", trying to make peace with her, somebody tell me I did not see him rub his cock. Come to think of it, please, don't tell me, I don't want to be reminded. Weirdest line of dialogue: "Your toes are beautiful!" Ladies, if you were praising another girl's toenail paintings, are these the words you'd use? Actually, this girl's foot fetish gets weirder yet; she'd have REALLY be into the foot thing to actually know the very tread mark of her boyfriend's shoe (from memory) well enough to confirm it for the sheriff. One of the counselors actually happens across some lawn darts, and I can't tell if the scene where the film demonstrates just why they were banned is supposed to be irony or moralizing. And when toenail-girl gives toenail-liking-girl "a little something to commemorate our summer together", both shots which actually show it have it half-covered by somebody's arm. So what the hell is this picture supposed to be of? I don't get it. Near the end of the film when the killer is unmasked, he says "...just like I killed your father!", which is weird, because not only did nobody kill her father, but the only person who even so much as attacked her father wasn't the killer. At least, unlike Jason, this killer can actually run - damn, he can really run! There's one scene where a girl is killed and later inspection of the room shows no mess, leaving me to chuckle to myself, imagining this hockey-masked killer wielding a mop and bucket, trying to get everything spotlessly clean when he'd clearly rather be out there hacking somebody up. Moments later, I'm treated to that very scene, which isn't nearly as funny when it's all conjecture and the hypothetical killer isn't wearing the mask. The sound mix in this movie is terrible; if there's music playing, you can't hear what anybody's saying. That scary music starts up at the weirdest times, like when one girl turns on a light in a storage room and we see that there are SHELVES!!! And on the shelves there are SALT SHAKERS!!! Man, I don't get that scene at all. Here's something else I don't get. You can tell it's filmed in Canada, because early on there's a completely unnecessary shot of an American flag. Well, and later, when one girl is shown to own a Bay blanket. Is trying to demonstrate that a movie is set in the States really that important? Scarily enough, it probably is. Bloody Murder was directed by Ralph Portillo, who actually has the audacity to not only include a previous film of his, Fever Lake, in the movie but actually make it a plot point. Aside from that pretty scenery and one amusing scene, this movie is crap from every angle, but it's not like you can't tell from the box. And the box STILL lies to you. One of these days, I hope to live to see a box that lies to me by looking like a crappy direct-to-video movie, and turning out to be a bitchin' flick. I'm still waiting. BACK TO THE B's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE