TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS:
BORDELLO OF BLOOD
Look, it's Count Crapula
This is not a very good movie. Actually, it has but two genuine blessings. What we've basically got is would-be horror/sex comedy that's about as amusing as a tour of my sock drawer, and only marginally more erotic. As for horror - yeah, right. A bunch of topless women in a vampire brothel feast upon the sinners who visit them. So much for repeat business. And we have to rely on Dennis Miller (why?) to save the day. Has your suck-detector gone off yet?
The cast almost uniformly embarrasses themselves. Corey Feldman tries his best to look just like my old guitar teacher,but what he pulls off is amply demonstrating just why Hollywood won't touch him with a ten-foot clown pole. Chris Sarandon looks like a fool, parodying the "southern preacher" thing so obviously, it looks like he's fresh out of Saturday Night Life.
And Dennis Miller...please. When I was a teenager, I thought this guy was pretty funny. I mean, there was just some sort of masochistic appeal at that age to listening to some guy rant endlessly about how cool he is and how lame everybody else is. Maybe it's a reflection of the high school I went to, I dunno, but the only thing keeping me from saying that Miller's awful in this movie is that I can't honestly testify that this is really anything bad by Miller standards. It's all moot anyway - when I saw him promoting this one on a late-night talk show, he seemed quite clearly embarrassed by the whole thing.
No, I'm afraid that the only "actor" in the entire film who doesn't look embarrassed to be there (how many times have I used the word "embarrassed"? How much can I stress this very important point?) is Angie Everhart as the vampire madam of the titular brothel. Everhart may not be able to act beyond giving us a pretty convincing look of sensual bloodthirst, and the retarded script doesn't do her any favors, but she clearly seems to believe in the character she plays - and thus, comes across head and shoulders above her co-stars. Besides, I liked one scene where she sucks blood off the fingers of one of her ladies. Too bad that hers are the only breasts we don't get to see. (well, we don't get to see Erika Eleniak's either, but you can always rent Under Seige)
And yes, there is one, solitary, lonely laugh - when the cantankerous proprietor of the BoB instructs our would-be hero "I suggest you mourn alone, in private, with a box of tissues!" Maybe you had to be there. It's a great line. But I wouldn't wish the rest of the movie on you to get to it.
Who'd have thought that this much toplessness could be so dull?