EVILS OF THE NIGHT
Lesbian sex ahoy!
Okay, ultimately, the grand total of good lesbo action in this movie doesn't add up to much, but it gives us (along with a whole lot of gratuitous fellatio) a great first half hour.
This is a weird one. The front of the box makes it look like yer typical "teens in the woods" slasher flick, but the cast includes John Carradine, Julia Newmar, and Tina Louise. (!) It also features Kerrie Emerson, who I surprisingly don't remember from Chopping Mall, because she's unbelievably hot in this movie.
The movie's intro doesn't really give one much hope, either. A spaceship zooms along in space, and then lands in the woods, Close Encounters-style. Okay, we think...and then we get to the teens in the woods. These are some horny teens. They're either having sex, giving or receiving the Presidential Special, rubbing suntan lotion of each other's breasts (sigh)...you get the idea. These are my kinda people. In fact, the first half hour of this movie gives us more lesbo action and fellatio than I've ever seen in a mainstream film. Anyway, a number of these teens are killed. One of them while having sex. This does not daunt his girlfriend, who keeps right on going.
Next day, and we have all new teens, all new sex. But two of them are kidnapped and taken to a hospital. A weird hospital run by aliens who dress like they're in a 50's sci-fi movie and yammer about how they need young human platelets to live to a ripe age of 300. They've bribed a couple of mildly retarded auto mechanics (with a gold coin) (note the singular) to do their dirty kidnapping work for them. And they have rings on their fingers which shoot out green rays of unconsciousness.
Ever notice how the super-loser in any given group of teens in the movies is invariably named Brian? What's wrong with these people? Anyway, this guy tries to impress the chicks by holding his hand over a fire and having them time him. Uh, Brian, that doesn't work. Trust me.
Most surreal moment - in one shot, two heroines appear to both be gripping a big, condom-sheathed dildo. Nowhere before or after in that scene does said dildo appear. I rewound and watched this shot several times, and I still can't really make out what it is, but it looks like a dildo to me. REALLY strange.
Here's an example of a bad kind of friend to have. Imagine you and her have been kidnapped, and you're restrained by each being strapped to a pillar. She breaks free, but is interrupted by your captor before she can free you. The captor gets his hands on a power drill, and what does she do? She hides - BEHIND YOU!!! Poor you, strapped to the pillar, not going anywhere any time soon. (this actually happens twice to the poor bastard) This girl, the bimbo of the group, is played to hilarious perfection by G.T. Taylor, who shades her character with many different kinds of bimbosity. She was quite amusing. Until she died, that is, and then it was her costar's turn to be amusing, turning in a magnificently Charlton-Heston-esque bit of "You bastards! Damn you all to hell!"-ishness.
These girls sure defend themselves in nifty ways, too. One sticks an air hose into a baddie's ear (ouch!) and another ties his shoes together when his legs are on either side of...well, you wouldn't want your legs wrapped irremovably around this thing. It never occured to this guy to remove his shoes.
Features an inexplicable ending involving green beams of unconsciousness from the sky. And the film is actually dedicated to the cast and crew. A weird little movie that I'm really glad I saw, but I can't really say it's good. It's entertaining, though. Wish it really followed through on the lesbo action more. Really, why else were those two alien chick guards starting to...(sigh)