FEAR.COM (2002) People don't talk like this! Fear.com is sort of like The Ring but with a web page instead of a videotape. Go log onto the site, you see some wacky shit, and you die. Oh, one more difference - Fear.com sucks ass. Natasha McElhone, who really needs to cut her hair, plays a Department of Health inspector, working with a New York detective (Steven Dorff) to figure out just what's up with this site, which is basically an R-rated version of Homer Simpson's Mr. Plow ad. That kills you with your worst fear. Gaaahh, no, not the "face your worst fear" bullshit again. I hate that bullshit. Bullshit! Jeffrey Combs shows up later and has to be told everything twice, poor bastard - because the script is loaded with the most perfunctory dialogue I've ever heard, and its only attempt at personality - and what sad ones they are - in lines like the following exchange: "Who is The Doctor?" "The skeleton in my closet." Or, "How enticing the smell of cheap perfume can be...or is that fear?" Phone conversations don't ring true in the slightest, with people answering questions after pausing only a fraction of a second for the question to presumably be spoken on the other side. I've never heard real people talk like this, and I don't expect it to happen before I die. Steven Rea speaks all these horrible lines so slowly, one hopes the two of them never have to converse with each other. It's very pretty (in an ugly way), but any ability to make a quality horror movie is not in evidence. Like, the second we see that window, we know she's gonna jump out and land on the car. No need to drag it out. A great look to a movie can only do so much before the script, actors or filmmakers destroy the mood though bad moviemaking. It's sad. For all its faults, Fear.com has one up on me in at least one department - I could've sworn all hemophiliacs were boys, but after snooping around a little, it turns out there are a few girls. Like, twenty or so, enough for a doomed field hockey team. I know I'm not the only person who thought they'd screwed up here. But tonight, I am more aware of the limitations of my knowledge than I've been in some time. I lost a game of Trivial Pursuit last night. The new edition. The Geography questions are hard as hell now. A disappointing effort from William Malone, whose remake of House On Haunted Hill I liked so much. The movie looks great, but everything else about it is so feeble that good looks alone never had a hope of making up for it. BACK TO THE F's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE