FIRESTARTER 2: REKINDLED (2002) It's poo, people. Three hours of flaming poo! I don't remember much of the original Firestarter movie, but I do know it's widely (if not quite universally) regarded as the worst of the big-screen Stephen King adaptations. All I remember is one scene where everything's on fire, and then one guy comes out of nowhere, flying in slow motion across the screen (on fire). My friends and I all laughed and simultaneously said "Let's see that again!" Grade 9, I think. Maybe grade 10. Updating yesteryear's King adaptations for TV seems to be all the rage these days, but in this case, it's not a straight remake - it's a straight sequel. The dates are fudged a little (if the original timeline were adhered to, the girl would be almost 30 by now), and the actors are changed (they probably didn't even bother asking Drew Barrymore to come back), but it seems to pick up where the original left off. And if the original sucked, well, this sequel has been made with the strictest attention to upholding that standard of suck, because it's a near-complete washout. Flame-throwing Charlie McGee (Marguerite Moreau) is all grown up now - well, she's maybe twenty. If you'll recall from the original, Charlie's parents were both experimented on in something called Lot Six, where they were given some limited mental powers, but then they had a baby girl together and she was, uh, less limited. She's in training to be a librarian, at the very library where all sorts of recently-declassified files are stored, including that of her parents'. This makes it easy for Systems Operations - the company that ran the experiment - to find her, because they guy they send (Danny Nucci) literally bumps into her while looking into the files. R&D at Systems Operations is still run by John Rainbird, who was played by George C. Scott in the original. Here's he's played by Malcolm McDowell, sporting burn makeup on half his face. Rainbird has created a whole new generation of boys with mutant powers - basically like the evil X-Men. X-Kids, anyway. One kid can blow up buildings with his screams, another kid can absorb energy, another kid can command and control people's minds. There are other kids, but their powers seem unclear - mostly telekinesis, I guess. Dennis Hopper shows up in the second half, as a now-grown Lot Six experimentee who can see all things, past, present, future. He has some philosophy we couldn't possibly understand about how there is no past, present or future. Nothing surprises him because he already knows everything. "It's just the way it is!" he says every time he has to justify his actions - this is as bad as, probably worse than, my long-held disdain for people citing the predictions of an ancient prophecy in order to justify otherwise senseless actions (to forward the plot into expected conflicts). I don't understand how he can just be driving away from The Town, moments after dropping off Charlie (in fact trying to get away from her), only to have her and the guy she's rescued turn up after being in The Town for several minutes' screen time and get a ride from him. I understand even less how he's surprised by this, since he's supposed to know everything. He doesn't seem to see anything incongruous in being surprised - but then, he doesn't seem to even realize that he's been surprised, despite being omniscient. He must be omniscient, but pretty stupid at the same time. Like Cliff from Cheers, I guess. In a completely superfluous subplot, there's another experimentee who can activate and overload electrical appliances without the on switch. She's targeted by Systems Operations to be eliminated like everybody else who was experimented on so they can't talk (why'd they declassify the documents then?), and her suicide is faked, despite her assailant breaking a window and having a significant struggle with the victim. She comes back to life though, rants a bit about Rainbird, gets the cops to investigate him, and they have their brains messed with by the mind-command kid. A couple of gunshots serve to close this thread entirely - close it off from the rest of the movie! The direction by Robert "She's All That" Iscove is weak, filming chase scenes by putting a few shots of people running (or supposedly ominous people in suits stepping into the street) to brassy music. His attempt to show the mutant kids as dangerous badasses is laughable - not that this has ever worked, in any movie, but anyone who continues to try and fail should probably be singled out for their folly. The effects are kind of hit-and-miss, but the most heroic efforts of ILM probably couldn't save this. The only thing that saves this miniseries from being total shit is Moreau's performance as Charlie. It's kind of an old horror sequel rule that surviving heroines either return paranoid or otherwise crazy, or sometimes they're just knocked off in the first few minutes, to be replaced by a younger heroine. Moreau's Charly is self-assured, socially functional, has a sense of humor, sensible enough to sleep with a fire extinguisher - shit man, I'd date her, except for one thing. Just one problem, which throws off her character a lot. Her pyrokinesis is unconsciously set off during states of sexual arousal. We find this out in one scene where she goes to a bar, picks up a drunk guy, gets most of his clothes off (in the parking lot!) and then runs off when she gets too, uh, hot, setting an alleyway on fire during her departure. If this happens every time, am I to understand she's still a virgin? Until, of course, he next sexual encounter, where she just scorches everything on the inside of a hotel room? If you accidentally set everything in sight on fire every time you have sex, maybe you shouldn't be having sex with people you actually care about. She must be a really horny girl. Firestarter Rekindled climaxes Carrie-style with Charlie going nuts and blowing up a whole town, killing innocent bystanders left and right, for no vague reasons (I guess to overload the energy-absorption kid). She feels badly about her powers throughout the movie, until she actually uses them to kill innocent people. What a clueless story, perfectly suited for the movie it tries to prop up. I might not be able to recall if Firestarter is the worst Stephen King movie, but Firestarter Rekindled is probably the worst sequel to a Stephen King movie. BACK TO THE F's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE