GRIM
Way, WAY worse than The Fear. Avoid at all costs!
Yeah, you read that right. The Fear was bad, but this...let me give you an idea of just how unbelievably terrible this movie is. You know what I'd rather do than watch this movie again? I'd rather tie one end of a rope around my scrotum and the other end around the landing gear of a departing747. I'd rather lick a dead rat. I'd rather have my computer switched over to Linux as my father's been begging me. (nothing against Linux, hell, at the rate Windows keeps crashing lately, it's starting to look appealing, but damn it's like building a new bike from scratch every time you want to shift gears) I'd rather...well, you get the idea.
Yes, this one's just as boring as Next Of Kin and every bit as unbelievably lame as Dracula Rising. If only it was as incompetent as Conquest, then we'd have a hands-down winner for the worst movie of all time. As it is, it's just a serious candidate.
They should have just called it Spelunking Party Massacre. A team of people snoop into the caves beneath a small town to look into, hell, I don't know. They find a big ugly monster that you can see on the front of the box.
These are some smart freakin' spelunkers. They actually set off some dynamite to blast a hole in the wall while THEY'RE STILL IN THE CAVE. They hide behind some rocks for protection. Now, if the cave had come down on them then, then at least it would only be the most dreary thirty minutes I've ever spent in front of a TV. As it is, this movie is eighty-six of them, and I don't think I've ever looked at the clock so often in such a short period of time.
The closest to a good thing I can say about this movie is that the opening credits are kind of neat. That's it. Not necessarily good, but kind of neat. The rest of the movie? Forget it. It's not scary, gory, sexy, funny, fun, atmospheric, exciting, or anything that makes any movie worthwhile. Its crap factor is absolute.
And check out some of the dialogue. It falls into that "so bad, it's not even funny because it makes no sense" category. "Hey Trish, you can treat it like one long shopping expedition", taunts one of the spelunkers. I don't get it. Shopping? I mean, if they were gathering things (which they weren't), that line would sort of make sense. Instead, I was left staring at the screen, mouth agape, wondering how they got the funding for this thing.
Paul Matthews, the person responsible for writing and directing this one, displays his knowledge of the classics in one scene. One woman, to prevent their getting lost, ties a ball of string around a rock so they can find their way back, a la Theseus and the Minotaur. So some guy says "Hey Trish, this isn't Hansel and Gretel". It sure isn't. (hello, breadcrumbs?)(and it's not like this ball of string comes into play later in the movie)
"Let's hide" says one guy, picking up a torch. Yeah, that big flaming stick isn't gonna give you away. Well, actually, maybe it won't, since the monster sees everything in black and red, like a poor man's Predator. We're given so many monster-vision shots that by the end of the movie you're praying for blue.
This is the kind of movie that makes you throw your hands in the air and scream at the sky "WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?!?!?" It's a complete loser. Some people are exaggerating when they say they could pull a better movie out of their ass. But I've seen shits a lot more entertaining than this flick. If you're ever given a choice between putting this one in your VCR or putting it (sideways) in your rectum, pick the rectum. It'll be a lot less painful.