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HOBGOBLINS (1988)
Oh, the things I do for Italy I would never have bothered with this obviously terrible movie, but for a request from an Italian guy who I'd like to hear another Leprechaun album from, or at least get a kiss on the cheek from Whisperwind. So, here it is. Damnagoras, you owe me. Hobgoblins is a (barely) R-rated gremlins/ghoulies/critters type movie where knee-high trolls cause mischief and havoc. These trolls have been living in a bank vault in a movie studio patrolled by an elderly security guard who's been trying to keep them from busting out for 30 years, while every assistant he hires falls prey to them. Talk about a dead-end job! (ba-dum CHH!) The hobgoblins don't just jump on you and chomp out your neck or anything; first they bring your most-desired fantasies to life, and then they kill you in a less satisfying manner than chomping out your neck. Like one guy whose phone-sex favorite materializes for him; she tries to push his car over a cliff while he's in it. She fails. You can see how this is a lot less satisfying to watch than seeing them jumping on people and chomping out their necks. The hero of the film is the latest trainee, a wholesome guy with an even more wholesome girlfriend (so nauseatingly wholesome, you just know she's gonna hop on a bullet train to slutsville by the end of the movie). Early in the movie, it's demonstrated that he's not as much hero material as he'd like to be when he engages in a rake-fight with a friend who learned about such fighting styles in the army; our hero gets his ass handed to him and there's a synth orchestra hit every time the rakes connect. Bang! Bang bang! Bang bang bang! Worst rake-fight ever. Brainiac here gets trained at work with basic instructions like oh, don't go into the vault. So later on, he goes to the vault, stands in front of the vault, unclips his walkie-talkie and sets it down on the ground outside the vault for no reason, and goes into the vault. (meanwhile his boss's voice crackles over the walkie-talkie, "Whatever you do, don't go in the vault!") This unleashes the hobgoblins, who escape by taking a joyride on a golf cart and immediately seek out our hero's friends, for reasons unknown since they haven't even been seen by the hobgoblins yet. How do they know where they're hanging out? Isn't there other prey more close by? Are these kids the only people in town? The action moves from their suburban hangout to a (supposedly) seedy bar where a new-wave band is playing music that actually isn't too bad when that guy's not singing - why do I now have suspicions that this movie was partly funded by a pay-for-play from that band? If so, that band got hosed. The hobgoblins have no survival instincts, showing up conspicuously not even to cause more mischief, but to give people an opportunity to kill them. Their defense skills are poor as well, since they are mostly immobile puppets which sometimes get thrust on screen from behind an obstacle (hand-up-the-butt style) but are sometimes called upon to be held onto by a screaming starlet who rolls around on the grass. So, these young 'uns have their wildest dreams come true (none of them very surprising, though one dream-character seemed to be an 80's American military equivalent of Zapp Brannigan), fight for their lives, and slowly come to realize that our once rake-bludgeoned hero is now acting heroic. Just as you're thinking, Hey, I bet the WHOLE MOVIE is a hobgoblin hallucination of our hero getting a chance to be heroic!, some guy shows up with nunchucks and challenges our hero to a fight. Our hero dutifully fights him. I was wondering, he's been heroic for the last hour or so, doesn't he have a new dream yet? I'd dream of being in Bikini Summer 2. There's way more nudity in the trailer for Bikini Summer 2 than in this entire movie. (c) Brian J. Wright 2008 BACK TO THE H's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE |