HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS
Needs more than a great title

  Briefly, I felt like I was being a humorless curmudgeon when I found that I thought this movie was more stupid than funny.  But then I went and saw Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo, giggled myself silly, and reassured myself that no, I have no problem lowering my brow - it's the movie's fault.

The title says it all.  Some evil chainsaw-worshipping cult (a line describing which is used as a sample in a song by, if I'm not mistaken, Ministry), whose members are all hookers who have no concerns about repeat business, are giving their johns a little more than they paid for.  They're led by a mysterious figure (Gunnar "Leatherface" Hansen, who I'd never seen without the mask before), and they're being investigated by hard-boiled private dick Jack Chandler (get it, Chandler?) who's looking for a runaway girl.

Obviously intended as a comedy, the gore is the only thing that puts this pooch in the horror section, and the gore is terrible.  The jokes aren't much better, with lines like "Whassa matter, chainsaw got your tongue?" (this line is not used in a scene with somebody's tongue being cut off by a chainsaw, so what's the joke here?)  Notable exception: when Chandler asks why a chainsaw-worshipping cult would have its roots in ancient Egypt, when of course ancient Egypt had no chainsaws.  He is promptly reminded (silly of him to forget) of "the chainsaws of the Gods!"

Not that the quality of dialogue much matters, since much of it can't even be heard over the awful music.  The best line, "My conscience is clear," is shown in print, so don't worry about that.   Jay Richardson as Chandler provides a few chuckles, like his drink of choice ("Bourbon.  With a bourbon chaser."), but there are so many bad "private dick" jokes, I found myself wishing he was a security guard.  Hansen surprisingly has a fairly strong screen presence, but he ruins everything when he opens his mouth ("How dare you act like a pack of wild animals in my presence!").

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (who directs something like five movies a year), the script is, incredibly, credited to four people.  I mean, it's widespread knowledge and common sense that a script with that many people working on it is going to suck, but usually in a choppy, you-can-see-where-some-good-ideas-got-through way.  Here, it's astonishing how consistently the suck shines through.

Great title, but movies need a lot more than a great title to win me over.  Avoid.  The closing credits, like those of The Sword And The Sorcerer, promise and name a sequel (Student Chainsaw Nurses) which thankfully never came to pass.  If it ever does, avoid that too.

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